The Tropes Win! The Tropes Win!

Don't know if this needs much of a preface, minus the "I know, I'm weird" disclaimer. Which really should be the banner headline of the site or something. I'll get on that.

In the meanwhile, enjoy!

Delayed Response: "When they go low, we go high."

I hated this slogan. Not because of what it stands for. Obviously, it's the correct moral and ethical choice. In a perfect world it's how everyone would act, especially an individual hoping to be the next President of the United States. Unfortunately, the world we live in is very far from perfect. And now this phrase just reminds me of mistakes, regrets, and one of several missed opportunities.

I think Hillary should have gotten filthy. Andy Dufresne dirty. Like she crawled through "500 yards of shit smelling foulness" just to come out clean on the other side. Every time Trump attacked her "30 years of political inaction," she should have asked where he was. What societal good he accomplished borrowing daddy's money and failing at business after business. For every comment about an email, or Benghazi, or her husband's impropriety; there should have been an equal and opposing reaction. Sexual assault, fraud, racketeering, ineptitude, racism, bigotry. Load up the chamber and fire off a round.

It wouldn't have been pretty. It could have backfired spectacularly; especially as Trump seems to avoid the tarnish and consequence of scandal as if they were "flat-chested women." But "going high" - however right an action - wasn't enough. For the voters that Trump had already wrangled - the "mid-western common folk" that Hilary really needed to sway - it came off as elitist. It came off as preachy. It showed a reluctance to get in the muck and fight for your beliefs with passion and fire. However "wrong" this mentality would have been, it was what these people wanted to see. Hillary in the trenches. Because - whether we liked it or not - this was trench warfare. And you win trench warfare with bullets and grenades. Not etiquette handbooks and Purell.

But, here we are. Two months away from living in the United States of Trump. The land of the HUGE, the home of the WRONG.

Like many other Americans - or at least those who live in similar bubbles - I still can't really peg down a single emotion to describe where I am at. Everything vacillates. Feelings come and go like waves against the shore. Or, in perhaps a more apt analogy; emotions swirl and blend like Trump's hair in a strong breeze. My thoughts meander like a hair follicle unbound by physics or natural law.

Sometimes I'm mad. I'm mad at people: of the collective and individual variety. I want to cast Florida adrift into the Atlantic, I want to light Debbie Wasserman Schultz's hair ablaze with several tiki torches. Sometimes I'm sad. I'm sad for people of color, of the Muslim faith, of the LGBT community.  I want to tell them we have their back. I want to piss a heart onto a confederate flag. I'm unnecessarily frustrated at the color red. It knows what it did. I'm fearful of what comes next. Of where the game of action and reaction will escalate to. I'm angry, anxious, overwhelmed, embarrassed, and 43% whiskey.

I'm "flabber-aghasted."

And I don't really think that I'm in a position to tell other people how they should feel or act. But I'd like to, because it's my blog, and I DO WHAT I WANT.

To the "good" people who support Trump, I'd ask you to be patient with us. We were kind of caught off guard by this. Many of us were ten to twelve lines into our "I'm With Her" victory Facebook posts; and electing a racist, misogynistic, xenophobe was a pretty big swerve. We really are good people, but were using some pretty broad brushstrokes to paint pictures of you. It's lazy and ignorant. Not all of you are racists, or homophobes, or - politically speaking - "He-Man Woman Haters." Some of you are decent people who felt disenfranchised and forgotten, and believed that a political outsider was a way out from that. That's fair. Maybe not smart, but fair. We don't mean to lump you in with the crowd, but we're still in panic mode here.

To the "bad" people who support Trump: "Fuckin' A" guys. You couldn't wait like a day? Just because we elected one asshole doesn't mean the rest of you get Carte Blanche to run amok. If I were you - and I thank ALL of the Gods that I'm not - I would drastically slow your roll. You are on the wrong side of history. America won't let hate, and prejudice, and the toxicity of your beliefs engulf this country. Even if our leader might look the other way, we will not.

To the people who supported Jill Stein or Gary Johnson: Shhhh. Just, shhhh.

To the Democrats, the Liberals, the "Bernie Bros," and the "With-Hers:" let's not lose our heads. I agree it is not the time to rest on our laurels, but I think we need to be smarter and more thoughtful in our action. I don't think - and that's an emphatic "I" - that we should be investing so heavily in trying to "right the wrong." The election happened and like it or not, we need to let Trump be our next President. He will fail, he will make mistakes, he will ruin this for himself. People - and most importantly, people who supported him - will get to see the monster for what he is. The rich will get richer, the poor poorer. There will still be lobbyists, and extremists. Some of the people who got conned will learn their lesson, and maybe the voting populace in general will get smarter. We don't get that growth if we spend the next two months trying to vacate Trump before he gets into the oval office. And in the meantime, the divide between liberals and conservatives (or our parties, or however you want to define it) will get worse. Which is not something this country can afford.

We can still be vigilant and passionate. If you're worried about climate change, a VP who believes in conversion therapy, or Ben Carson being anywhere near a textbook: do something. Show support for clean jobs and sustainable energy. Try to educate someone you personally know about the struggles of the LGBT community. Send Ben Carson a word search without any words, or a maze without an exit. That could buy us months. Be involved in the politics that are important to you, and be an integral part in making sure they don't take steps back in the next four years. Don't give up on things. Don't give up on people, no matter who they voted for this election. Don't get angry, get active. Stay positive, stay accepting, stay strong. It may not be easy, but it's the path we need to take. Because, "when they go low, we go high."

Because we sure as shit can't go any lower.

Rapid Response - Are You There God? It's me, 'Murica

My most pressing thoughts within 24 hours of the election. Presented without attention to order, spelling, or the normal constraints of profanity on a blog.

1) So you know how the Republican members of the Senate - without any legal authority or political precedent - have held up President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court for almost seven months? Is there a way to duplicate this strategy and apply it to Trump? For say - and this is just a random number, right off the top of my head - four years?

2) I'm full willing and ready to accept the results of this election, no matter how vile and disturbing they are. But - and I say this on the manic end of my ever fluctuating mood spectrum - what if we could get the Russians to "admit" to tampering with our elections; give us one more chance to get the vote right. I mean, there's a 7% chance they already did it, a 40% chance Putin would admit to it just because it would make him an uber badass, and a 53% chance we could push the deal through by relinquishing the rights to some famous American athletes or actors. I mean, who really needs James Franco anyway? We've got Dave. Dave's fine.

3) I realize that the GOP would never allow us to make Election Day a holiday - as suppressing voter turnout is actually a large part of their strategy - but can we all come together and make the day after Election Day a national holiday? It doesn't impact the election at all, but it rewards people for staying up till 3 AM to watch the results and connect with their civic duty. And, as a bonus, also rewards people who drank a lot of whiskey while watching said civic duty unfold.

4) I was hoping that it was avoidable, but a Facebook purge is coming. There aren't many people who support Trump on my feed, but I can't continue to stare at and rage-boil over these people's posts. I'm losing a considerable amount of time and blood vessels.

5) On a related note: New York City is the best bubble to live in throughout this endeavor.

6) Does anyone remember the Family Guy episode, "I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar?" Long story short: Peter makes a bunch of sexist remarks at work, and when threatened with legal response from one of his co-workers, has to attend sensitivity training (which he fails), and a "women's retreat" in the woods. After being told he can only appreciate/understand women after experiencing the pain of childbirth, he promptly falls down a tree and has his lower lip pulled to the back of his neck. Now knowing their pain, he spends the rest of the episode as an extremely effeminate feminist.

I think this was a lot of men's "lip extending moment." As a man, I knew that women often we're treated as second class citizens. I knew they faced discrimination in the workplace, in the higher levels of our academic and scientific communities, and really just in the world in general. I know there were many different "reasons" people didn't vote for Hilary, but I really didn't believe that so many people would vote against the better candidate on the sole grounds that she was a woman. On the bright side, at least I'm personally closer to truly understanding the bias women have to fight through.

7) While we're on the topic of women, how the FLYING HELL did so many women vote for Trump? Yes, Hillary did have a higher percentage of women voters than Trump: 54% to 42%. But how did 42% of women vote for Trump? I seriously don't understand it. Love her or hate her, she's inarguably trying to better your standing in the country, while being explicitly attuned to your needs and struggles. How can you not support that? Especially when the other option is a man who has devalued women on too many levels to keep track of, and literally thinks he can grab you all by the pussy? My brain can't wrap itself around the disconnect. Are 42% of women in the country in some sort of kidnapping situation where they were allowed to vote, but only at the whim of their male captors? Because that is legitimately the most plausible scenario I can think of. Hundred of thousands of women in dog cages being dragged to polling places across the country.

8) I'm having very mixed opinions about "third party candidates." I believe they are a valuable part of our political system, and a necessary escape hatch for people who feel strongly compelled not to vote for one of the two major parties' candidate. But, in specific sentiment to this election, FUCK THEM. This was not the time for a protest vote. This was not the time to get cute. The votes wasted on Johnson and Stein could have swayed the election in Hillary's favor in several key states. Sensible people across the country should have united their votes against Trump. The biggest evil, requiring the most directed of attacks. But people squandered votes on hopeless candidates with no chance of victory. Well, at least it'll give Gary a chance to figure out what the hell "Aleppo" is before 2020.

9) Van Jones is my spirit animal.

10) Do all of Trump's pending legal issues just suddenly disappear? As far as I know - which is all that I could gather from the Wikipedia page "Legal Affairs of Donald Trump" (A THING THAT EXISTS) - our next president has several outstanding court cases. He's facing civil and federal action for his involvement with Trump U; and is in the midst of proceedings for breach of contract, assault, discrimination, charity misuse, and fraud. And that's not even mentioning the stuff he wants to sue other people for. Which as President, can he do? Can he just continue to sue people at will? And does he receive - whether implicitly or explicitly - political leniency on everything else? Or do they just build a HUGE penthouse onto the nearest DC courthouse?

Westworld? More Like BESTworld!

Yep. Still need to work on my title game. Note taken.

But I stand by the sentiment. Just five episodes into its inaugural season, and Westworld has already skyrocketed up my list of favorite TV shows. I mean, only time will tell how high it goes up the list. If season one ends with a kid shaking a tiny western-themed snow globe, my affection will fade.

But if the show continues to be as enthralling as it has been so far, it may be surpassing some much beloved programs in the not too distant future. What makes the show so great? It’s easy.

S-C-I-E-N-C-E.

S - Setting

There's something amazing about the grit, grime, and gruffness of the American West. Before you even think about plot, you just know you're going to get booze, debauchery, cussing, shoot-outs, and horse-chases. Westworld gives you all of that (and then some #Pariahtown), coupled with the beauty of the untouched frontier. There's stunning vistas, beautiful plateaus, and truly gorgeous gorges. And the fact that you even notice them as people are mangled, tortured, and murdered: that's saying something.

C - Chaos

Speaking of torture and murder - this show is off the rails. In just five episodes we've seen scalping, self-inflicted stab wounds, a man bash his own head in, a sip of milk drain out through multiple bullet holes, and another man's head explode via cigar. And that's just the really noteworthy stuff. Exit wounds are like mosquito bites in this world. But - and this is going to be hard to say after the previous lines - nothing seems over the top. The violence of this world - as per mechanism of the plot - all seems purposeful and sensible. Everything that happens here gives us a glimpse into the park, it's inhabitants, and the guests who come to visit. Or looks cool enough for me to not care. One or the other.

I - Intrigue

I think this is honestly why I love this show so much. We're halfway into the first season, and I have no idea what is happening. And - well, for the most part - not in a bad way. Nothing in the show is really "confusing." It's more so just wonderfully mysterious. What's happening to Dolores? What's happening to Maeve? What is the Maze? Who's siphoning info out of the park? What's up with Dr. Ford? Or Stubbs? Or anyone, ever, in the entire show? There's 300 plot points, all interacting and evolving over two very distinct worlds, and the possible outcomes and interactions seem limitless. That's the best kind of TV. Where you can watch, and dissect, and immerse yourself in a world; only to be completely wrong and wildly off-base. Like season one of King Of Queens. Who knew Leah Remini's character wasn't held against her will and forced to love Kevin James' character. Shocking twist!

E - Expendability

I think the problem with most TV is that right from the get go the viewer - whether implicitly or internally - defines a premise's end game. Jim needs to date Pam, Jack Bauer needs to thwart the terrorist, the "Golden Girls" need to not die. Good shows make the journey to that point fun, exciting, or intriguing. Great shows never really let you get a lock on what the end game is. Think Game of Thrones for a second. There's lots of reason to love that show, but the biggest is that no character is ever safe. Important people die all the time, and as an audience, you're left trying to figure out what comes next. This aura of expendability - where character's fates aren't knowable in advance - is exciting. And Westworld takes that concept and ratchets it up to eleven. The inhabitants of Westworld - I'm hesitant to call them robots - can, and do, die all the time. But they can come back. And they can come back as new people. Or "different" people. You never know who is still in the game, or out. And you never know - for sure at least - who is and isn't a "robot." It makes it very tough to lose interest.

N - Nudity

I know what you're thinking. And you're right. Boobs, boobs, boobs. Sometimes too many to handle (again #Pariahtown). But - lest that not interest you - there's also a surprising amount of other genitals as well. We've seen an extended shot of an inconsequential character spilling a drink while hanging dong. If that's not in your formula for great TV, I don't know what is.

C - Casting

This cast is beyond amazing. I could waste your time and talk about Marsden, or Jimmi Simpson, or Thandi Newton. They'd all be deserving of adulation. But lets just be honest here: Ed Harris is putting on a freaking clinic as the Man in Black. I mean the guy has been in like 60 movies - and been great in all of them - but this may be his defining role. Rugged, ruthless, methodical, driven, and dapper AF. We're approaching "Omar-esque" levels of character love, and we haven't even begun to explore his back story. Which I guarantee will be amazing. Harris is so good in this role, he makes you forget about Anthony Hopkins perfected performance as a nuanced inventor struggling to regain control over his creations. Who makes Anthony Hopkins a freaking footnote?!

E - Evan Rachel Wood

Still - as good as Ed Harris has been - I feel special praise must be heaped upon Evan Rachel Wood. As Dolores, the show's centerpiece, she's been truly fascinating to watch. Mainly because as at any one given time Dolores is going through about 45 layers of character evolution and growth. In five episodes she's gone from "peaceful unaware robot who wouldn't hurt a fly" to "bad-ass gunslinger desperately longing for answers at all costs." She has visions, and dreams, and hears voices, and has a secret mission from said voice, and is experiencing the world for the first time. And Wood nails all of that. You believe every second of it, even when a single scene has her unfold up to three unique layers of personality. And if it's tough to follow any of that - which it is - imagine acting it. Preach on sista, you're doing the Lord's work.

It's A Ghost!

See... because I have been crazily absent from this blog for a while... And it's Halloween...

Yeah, I'm rusty.

I apologize for that, and for the long hiatus. I spent a good portion of the last few months working on some larger scale writing, and in the interest of "focusing" (/laziness), I decided to take a blogging sabbatical. Minus the acquisition or refinement of skills that normally accompanies such a break.

But I'm back now! Ready to entertain, amuse, bore, and frustrate. Probably in that order. Cheers to you - the reader - for putting up with it all. I couldn't do this without you. I mean, I 100% could, but what's the point of writing for the sake of one's own passion? Personal growth? Don't plan on starting that anytime soon.

Making Rio Great Again - Five Steps To The Best Games Ever

As we're now less than a month out from the 2016 Summer Olympics, there's a lot of talk about the potential pitfalls of the Rio Games. To put it kindly, Brazil is a "Horrible Hellscape Butt-F@#ked Six Ways From Sunday." And that Sunday's weather is "cloudy with a chance of cataclysm."

The country's just falling apart. There's political upheaval/revolution, collapsing infrastructure, pollution issues, social unrest, and the looming threat of a communicable disease outbreak. And that's without introducing one of the world's largest, most complex, and emotionally charged sporting events to the mix. It's a very bleak and disheartening situation. And that may be the "best case scenario" view point.

Is there a way to fix the games? Is there a way to push past the issues and make this one of the best Olympics of recent memory? Of course there is. And I - a slightly employed man in his late twenties - of course have the five step plan that should fix everything.

1) Embrace the Chaos

Let's be honest with ourselves here; there is no way we're going to fix Rio before the Games arrive. Sure, we "could" waste our time on "solving" the bigger issues and making "proactive choices" to ensure the safest and must successful games we can feasibly produce. But, WHERE THE HECK IS THE FUN IN THAT.

Let's just bathe ourselves in the sweet perfumed haze of anarchy. Instead of trying to fix the polluted waters of the the sailing and rowing events, let's amp up the dumping. You got trash in your house just float it on down. How much more fun would the Men's Lightweight Four prelims be if teams had to row through obstacles. Wouldn't you be more inclined to watch the Canoe Sprint finals if you knew that crippling bowel movements and nausea we're a mid-race probability? The biggest question is why are we still doing the indoor swimming INDOORS? You want to see Michael Phelps set another world record? Don't you think there's a better chance of that if he knows prolonged exposure to the water could cause Hepatitis and severe brain damage?

Changes like this just need to be implemented across the board. Let the power issues at the gymnastics center persist. Nothing spices up an Uneven Bars routine like the threat of a blackout during a bar transfer. Move the Marathon and other long distances races to that bike path that collapsed last month, That's just a no-brainer. And don't be afraid to get creative! Bring in mosquitoes for the start of every track and field race. Maybe re-animate those dead bodies on the outdoor volleyball court. The sky's the limit! And even that's negotiable with the right balance of "sticktuitiveness" and rocket engineering.

2) Find Hope with Dope

Although it's not really a fault of Brazil or it's collapsing society, doping is going to be another big issue at the games. Nearly the entire Russian Delegation (save for two athletes) has been banned from competition, and numerous other singular competitors from other nations have been excluded because of positive tests and violations. Plus there's the ever-looming threat that an athlete previously cleared tests positive AT the games.

What I propose is that we invite all these athletes to compete, BUT, add new carefully calculated restrictions and caveats that try to mitigate their competitive advantages. Are you a runner that tested positive? You can still compete at your events, but you now have to carry a small 5-6 pound Howler Monkey on your back. What about a gymnast who got busted for HGH? Don't worry, you're still on the squad. We've just shaved another inch off the width of your balance beam. We could require cheating power lifters to wear Skechers Step Ups, throw some KY-Jelly on the grips of a PED using Pole Vaulter's pole, insist that banned table tennis pros wear old-timey roller skates. The new policy will be cheaters CAN play. The game is just going to be a lot more complex.

3) Let's Get Physical Political

The political and social climate in Brazil is going to be a tense scene. There's going to be a lot of poor and disenfranchised people who don't want the Games or it's athletes there, a bunch of tourists and visitors unsure of how to interact with them, and about 80,000 police officers and military personnel on-site just to add fire-arms and potential force to the mixture. Everyone is going to be on edge, and smart athletes who are given a platform to talk are going to try and avoid getting themselves entangled in the mess.

Let's not let them. Let's hand every athlete we can a mic and ask them heated political and social questions. Better yet, let's let the citizens themselves ask them. Maybe in their native Portuguese! Don't you want to hear what Usain Bolt has to say about the impeachment proceedings of Dilma Rousseff? Or 19 year old Simone Biles' opinions on the socio-political impact of creating potentially unnecessary infrastructure during an economic crisis? I know I would. Especially as she sits next to a Wheaties box in front of several thousand irate Brazilians. Viva la chaos!

4) Free Tickets

Which speaking of, let's get more angry Brazilians in the stands. Ticket sales have been under-performing to this point, for many obvious reasons. Why not fill those seats with native Brazilians? Give those people who need it most a distraction from the tumult and unrest around them. And do it for free. It's a great gift for a people that need it, and a brilliant PR move for a country that could definitely use some good news on the AP wire.

And we'd get several thousand rowdy Brazilians showing up to all types of athletic events. I'd obviously love to see what disorder and pandemonium they could add to already popular events, but I'm most intrigued by what they could add to the lesser known and appreciated sports. A couple extra thousand homeless individuals watching the pomp and circumstance of a Dressage routine? Five thousand incensed, passionate, possibly drunk men at a Women's Team Synchronized Swimming performance? WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!

5) Make Every Event A "Winner Leaves Town" Showdown

I know, I saved the best for last. This idea is a must. If you want to see athletes rise to new heights - achieve records and times we never thought possible - they need to be incentivized. And what better incentive could there be then, "if you don't win, you don't go home." Competitors would fight tooth and nail to insure that they stood atop the podium. It would be amazing spectacle.

And what's even better, is that Brazil would inherit a new group of citizens to help rebuild their country with. Citizens who are strong, tough, agile, and probably great at manual labor. That's just a win-win-win. Can't wait to see it announced during the opening ceremonies!

Love Dies Hard.... With a Vengeance

I have been - and probably always will be - an aficionado of "Action" movies. I consider Lethal Weapon a masterpiece, I have cheered for Arnold Schwarzenegger chasing a motorcycle through a hotel on a horse, and I scream "Kumite" anytime it looks like two people, children, or animals are about to fight/argue.

But if we're being completely honest, the apex of the genre is and will always be Die Hard. It's not just a great action movie, it's a great movie. I hold it in the highest regard and have held a similar affection for its two sequels (AND ONLY TWO SEQUELS, NA-NA-NA I'M NOT LISTENING) Die Harder and Die Hard With A Vengeance.

Like most rational people I for a long time believed that third film of the trilogy - Die Hard With A Vengeance - was the better of the sequels. The plot was more coherent and exciting, the stakes were higher, the villain was more villainous, and Samuel L. Jackson was the sidekick. One of the greatest actors ever was the "sassy partner." How could you NOT love that?

But after living in NYC for a few years now - where the film is set - my opinion of the movie has declined exponentially. A man can only suspend his disbelief so far during a movie about a massive gold heist/bomb plot/intricate cat and mouse game all foiled by a drunk detective and a random citizen over the course of 8 hours.

But no native New Yorker could forgive these errors.

1) A NYC CAB DRIVER STOPPED FOR A PERSON LYING IN THE ROAD.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Towards the beginning of the movie John McClane (Bruce Willis) is tasked with the challenge of spending some time in Harlem wearing a big sign-board which reads "I hate" and the "N-word." That is unless you watch the film on basic cable, in which the sign reads "I hate everyone." Either way this goes predictably bad for John, and it is only after the intervention of Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) that he escapes the ensuing melee. The problem is that during said brawl - with some understandably angry African Americans - John is tossed into the street and a cab stops a mere 30 to 40 inches from his head.

I have never seen, and will never see, a cab driver stop for anything. A NYC cab driver would have swerved recklessly into the rest of the road, or - more likely - run over ANY thing in his path. He would eventually stop, but not until he spotted his next fare. I can understand why the director chose this miscue - as a 17 minute sequel might not garner much critical acclaim - but I can't stand by it. In the real world an Ahkmed (not racist, comedy blog, stop writing hate mail) would be picking out McClane's hair from his rear axle two hours after the accident. All the while cursing the man's stupidity for being in the road in the first place.

2) BALLSY CITIZENS ON PAYPHONES

Side Issue - Gray's Papaya line should be into the crosswalk

New Yorkers - especially in the early Nineties - were tough, no-nonsense, people. I'm not here to argue their vigor or sass, and honestly I find it nice that the filmmakers decided to incorporate it into the movie. But on two separate occasions Sammy and Bruce need to use a payphone that is currently occupied by a New York Citizen. These civilians aren't just reluctant to give up the phone, they're hostile about it. I can understand said aggression if say a man in a business suit asked them to step aside, but this is hardly the case. The first woman is approached by two men, covered in sweat and blood, who are yelling intensely about being police officers. She pretty much tells them to "F*ck Off."

The New York Lotto Jackpot Is -- no, okay, take my wallet!

The second time is an even more glaring misstep. We're down in the subway, in a poorly lit section, under a staircase, with seemingly no one around. And yet a quiet, very white businessman (in an exciting cameo by the New York Lottery Guy) suddenly has the nerve to tell Samuel L. Jackson to "calm down, bro." Samuel L Jackson has one sleeve ripped off, is dripping blood from said exposed arm, and is demanding him to get off the phone. As a New Yorker I can tell you that I would have seen Sam THE MOMENT he walked down the steps. I would have told the other person on the phone that I was about to get raped as soon as he started approaching. And I would have run like a fucking gazelle as soon as he started talking to me. That's just real talk.

3) THEY DRIVE THROUGH CENTRAL PARK AND DON'T KILL 15 PLUS PEOPLE

No lie, if the fair was right I would do this EVERY day.

This one is just absurd. In the heat of trying to make it to their next "riddle" on time "John McCool" drives a speeding taxi cab straight through Central Park. Not across the transverse, not on a road or path, just THROUGH the park. Have you ever been in Central Park? He'd have killed 7 tourists just turning off of 8th Avenue. The front of his car would look like he drove through a petting zoo.

More importantly "Mac-Attack," at the VERY least, has been a New York City resident for seven years at this point. The mere notion that he wouldn't intentionally try to maul innocent tourists and pedestrians is laughable. If I were a cop - on a high stakes mission to stop a large bomb from going off - I'd calculate that there's a 60-70% probability that a minor manslaughter or two would be overlooked or leniently prosecuted. I'd personally start mowing down crowds of citibikes at a 6-7% chance of the same promise. And I've only lived here for four years.

4) AN AMBULANCE CAN NAVIGATE NYC TRAFFIC

There's a 40% chance the driver dies of old age before making it to hospital.

After driving through Central Park "Mac-Daddy" and "Hey-Zeus Christo" hit the road and unfortunately find a massive traffic jam. In a pretty clever move "Mac-Arthur Park" dials 911, processes a fake "officer down" call, and tries to use the ensuing ambulance as a route to escape the vehicular stoppage. That's all well and good, except, NYC cars DO NOT move for ambulances. We really are that selfish and awful. If you're going to ask me to delay my trip 20 - 25 extra seconds or save a human life, the answer is pretty obvious. Adios el victimo! Next time fall ill in a less populated city.

5) ANYONE WOULD LISTEN TO SOMEONE YELLING ON A SUBWAY

Where are these people's headphones?

As the plot thickens, "Bruce Caboose" must thwart a bomb which has been placed at the front of a New York City subway car. As he slowly walks the bomb towards the back of the train he informs (or more so yells for) the passengers to "move towards the front of the train." He mentions that he is an NYC police officer, that he's carrying a bomb, and that people are in great danger. And we're supposed to believe that the people in this subway car believe him? That they flee towards the front of the subway? HA.

There's only one rule for a subway rider: if and when you are being harassed, DO NOT MOVE. Moving is a sign of weakness. It lets the evangelist/meth addict/homeless person/musician know that you are indeed paying attention to them. All that will do is inspire them to ratchet up the craziness. Any true New Yorker keeps their head down, pretends to focus harder on their book/newspaper, and refuses to flinch until the trouble dissipates. To imagine that a subway car of people would bend to the will of one person screaming nonsense about a bomb is ridiculous. I've been threatened with much worse and didn't even take my eyes off my Candy Crush game. In real life he could have fired his gun in the air and 85% percent of people would have stayed seated. At most an old person would have told him to "shut the hell up."

6) AN ALL-WHITE CONSTRUCTION CREW

This seems more like an audition for the Village People than anything.

It may be difficult to discern - as, for some reason it's difficult to get a good screenshot of the background of an unimportant scene in a movie - but what we have pictured here is a construction crew. It's part of an elaborate plan by the main villain to steal all the gold under the Federal Reserve Building while posing as "clean-up crews" for the aforementioned Subway explosion. It's a pretty ingenious plan, to be honest. Except, the ENTIRE construction crew is made up of white guys. Svelt Aryan-Master-Race white guys.

If any New Yorker saw a construction crew with forty men and NO minorities alarms would go off. Not one Hispanic man? Not one African American worker? And the white workers aren't surly, overweight, ridiculously hungover Italian or Irish Americans? I can't even process such a ridiculous thought. Yes it's a horribly racist thought, but it's an accurate one. And I can't overlook such glaring inaccuracies.

7) YOU COULD LEAVE SOMETHING UNATTENDED, AND IT WOULDN'T GET STOLEN

"I'm just as shocked as you are that this shit is still here"

In another important scene our dynamic duo - "J-Mac" and "The Zeus is Loose" - arrive at a park to find another bomb and another riddle. It involves an important (and expensive) looking briefcase and two large empty water jugs left unattended on a fountain. They arrive to find all three pieces left undisturbed. 

In real life, the BEST case scenario would be the swift and immediate theft of all three items. Pretty much whatever guy that set them up would have turned around and turned back to see a horde of thieves fleeing. The more likely scenario is that when our heroes arrived a homeless man would be pissing into one of the jugs and a crack head would be trying to pawn the "microwave-radio" for $6.50.

8) YOU CAN JUST STROLL AROUND YANKEE STADIUM

Normally only the Mets Stadium is this empty. Boom, roasted.

As we near the end of the heist, "Zeus Moose" is sent out on his own to retrieve the final clue in Yankee Stadium. I feel at this point it is important to note the following facts:

- This character is NOT a cop. So he can't just show up and flash a badge to get in.

- This character is bleeding, dirty, shirt torn in half, and (I don't see this, but I've been told) African American.

- There is no game. The stadium is empty save for employees.

Yet somehow, "Zeus-Juice" just saunters right in. He walks himself right up to the home team dugout, and no one says a God damn thing. Umm... Yahhh-NO. There is no way he's let in the stadium. There's no way he's not tackled within three feet of entering. There's definitely no way he just hobbles up to the field without attracting ANY attention. Have you tried to cut into field seats during a blow-out game? There's no way those asshole ushers are letting him that close to a Yankee Stadium billboard, let alone the actual field.

9) THE SAWMILL PARKWAY COULD HOUSE A CAR CHASE

There are only two ways to drive on the Sawmill Parkway. Slowly and cautiously. Yet after escaping the bad guys, again, our heroes "Spruce Bruce" and "Action Jackson" find themselves in a harrowing car chase on one of the worst highways on the planet. In the pouring rain. Yet this is how "Sam-I-am"

is caught driving:

I know, I need to get better at my screenshots.

It may be somewhat (or completely) tough to tell, but he's staring wide-eyed, out the driver side window, while going 60 in a downpour. They could have rolled the credits right then. I don't even put on the radio on that road. No one is surviving such lackluster focus.

Yet still they have - AND SURVIVE - a high speed chase and gun battle. They spin their car 180 degrees, avoid Uzi fire, and manage to take out their enemies.

And they don't even have their lights on!

If this weren't a movie, thousands would be dead. Admittedly only like 100 from the chase itself though. The rest would have committed suicide in their cars from the traffic delays.

10) THE HUDSON RIVER IS COMPRISED OF WATER

This water would be on fire. It would find a way.

HA. HAHA.

After jumping 12 feet from a 40 kiloton explosion (which produces its own mushroom cloud) "Big Mac" and "Ob-Zeus Triangle" find themselves flung into the Hudson River. Do you see the color of the water? The color blue?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is hysterical. At best the Hudson River is the color of raw sewage. It is 94% mud, has the viscosity of tar, and is far more potent a health risk then a 40 Kiloton explosion. They would have popped up for air and been neck deep in floating fish carcasses.

I just hope the fourth movie will be more believable. Whenever they make that.

Six Thoughts On Game Six

I know. If there's one thing we were all hoping for it was a Warriors win and an end to these "attempts" at a sports post. But, tradition is tradition. What kind of sports journalist would I be if I abandoned a promise I randomly made after the fifth game of a seven game series? Definitely not the journalist I set out to be, three days ago, as I slowly tried to recover from a hangover. Let's get to it!

1) THEY TOOK MY IDEA!

Let's get right to the important stuff people. During the last of my only other sports column I made a decidedly angry point about branded announcers and commentators. The short version: I don't appreciate how these guys are all assigned to (and owned by) various networks. Especially because I think the ABC staff is a bit tame for my taste and lacks the pizazz/showmanship/absurdist comedy of say the " The NBA On TNT" crew. And then look what happens during the very next game:

That's right. Team ABC gets a loan from TNT/ESPN and gets Craig Sager to be a part of the broadcast. A few thoughts here on this GREAT idea. First, thank you to Craig for giving credit where credit is due. You can clearly see him mouth "Thank you Andrew, my hero" in the above video. That helps Craig, it really does. Especially as ABC didn't even bother to give me a throwaway "attaboy." Secondly, if you didn't support my idea for "Free Agent" announcers for new blood and excitement, you should support it for this. Despite dressing like a couch fabric pattern in an early SIMS game, the man is a legend. The fact that he can go thirty years - at the top of his field - without ever getting to announce a Finals game is ludicrous. It should be about who makes the game better, or deserves to be there. Not about whose contract is owned by which network.

2) Iman Shumpert's Hair Is Next Level Bonkers

As a New York Knicks fan - or as we call ourselves during most seasons, "mourner" - I've been well acquainted with the hair stylings of Iman Shumpert for quite some time. As a baseline, this is what you should normally expect:

That's one hell of a flat top. It's not really "absurd" in any way, unless of course he doesn't impersonate the lead characters from House Party 1,2, or 3, in his spare time. When he's been in the playoffs before he has added a touch of razzle-dazzle. He's carved in lightning bolts on the side, and once he subbed the "flat" top for a " "half-slanted debacle of a" top. Still, this year's hair takes the cake.

I sat through most of this haircut thinking it was just a slightly off-kilter "man bun." That's not a great style either, but it's not a completely unique entity. This thing is. If you look closely, it's really just a tuft of long hair, pulled from some weird off-center patch of hair he intently left for this sole purpose. I ask "why?" And also, "why?" He looks like a poorly groomed poodle. I love it.

3) Tristan Thompson is Worth Every Penny

In the off-season there was a big debate about the Cavs re-signing Tristan Thompson. He's a great young player, a workhorse, and a dependable double-double machine. Still, he lacks a really developed offensive game. He's a great rebounder (especially on the offensive end), but wanted to be paid like a two way star. The Cavs - with a ton of support from Lebron - ended up hammering out a costly deal to keep him. Last night he proved that investment was worth every freaking cent.

That wasn't just a one-off play either. He hustled all night, had some great rebounds and dunks, and made the Warriors pay when they left him unguarded in the paint. He will be the difference in Game 7. If he plays like that - and with Bogut now out - the Warriors don't have an answer for him. That's huge when Golden State really owns the better half of almost every other match up out there.

4)  Steph Curry - Angry Tyke

Is it just me, or are announcer jinxes the best thing on the planet? Steph got two early fouls last night and, sadly, it changed the entire complexion of the game. He didn't get to play much of the first half, probably cost his team at least a chance to cut into the Cavs lead, and with him on the bench things were just a little less interesting. When he came back in the third and notched another quick foul, all the announcers could talk about was how he had NEVER fouled out of a professional basketball game. That of course led to this:

I'm a little bummed that it didn't degrade into a full scale meltdown - because him missing game 7 on a double technical would have been a ridiculous story line - but I love what we were given. Especially the mouth guard throw. You don't really get it from this angle, but... oh, screw it. What's one more video?

I mean that toss - and ensuing super manly recoil - is glorious. I just loved the whole scene. Nothing makes me happier then chaos.

5) Lebron and the MVP dilemma

I guess I should come clean a bit here before this one. I'm a sucker for Lebron. I'm well aware of all of his faults and disappointing performances over the years, but he's still one of the best to play the game. And I believe he's done it under more pressure and scrutiny then any of the other greats. Honestly, can you come up with another player so highly praised out of high school that delivered this well on the promises? I can't. And I know at least three to four other athletes by name.

So I believe that Lebron should have won MVP last year in the finals. I understand how MVP has become synomous with being on the winning side, but I don't think it should be that way. His stats were a stratosphere above Iguodala, and he single handedly took that series from a Warriors sweep to a competitive six game series. If the Warriors win this year - and if Lebron plays in line with his stats so far this series - I think he deserves it again. I mean, look at the numbers:

King James, indeed. pic.twitter.com/A3o4c9KZFf

— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) June 17, 2016

The man is first (or tied for first) in every major stat. ON BOTH TEAMS. If he doesn't deserve the MVP, then who does? Is it just a race between whichever Splash Brother puts up the most points in Game 7? Isn't "because it has to go to somebody on the Warriors" a horrible argument for MVP?

6) Great Story Lines

Say what you will about the results of Game 6 or the series so far, but Game 7 is going to have some of the best story lines ever. Can the Warriors hold off the Cavs and win back to back championships? Can the Cavs avenge last season's loss? Can they become the first ever team to come back from a 3-1 deficit in the finals? Can Steph rebound from his foul woes in game 6? Will Kevin Love prove his doubters wrong, or right? Will Lebron be able to meet the pressure one more time or collapse under its weight?

This is what playoff basketball is all about. An absurd amount of pressure, a ridiculous multitude of legacies on the line, all confined to one 48 minute game. I don't know of anything so miraculous and wonderful. It's certainly the only thing out there that could make me cancel a Father's Day dinner, and postpone GOT episode 9 by like 3 hours. That's saying A LOT.

7) BONUS ROUND

Seven things to watch for in Game Seven:
- Andre Iguodala''s back injury. If Iggy can't play at 60% or above, that's catastrophic for the Warriors.
- Draymond Green didn't even nudge one "bait and tackle set" last night. I assume he feared the eyes of road refs. Back at Oracle the gloves will be off. The dick punching gloves, of course.
- Lebron James under pressure. Win or Lose, he will face the most individual scrutiny BY FAR. He knows it too. How will he handle that?
- Iguodala's back injury. Seriously guys, this is a huge deal. Can he play, and play well?
- Anderson Varejao's flopping masterclass continues. Word on the street, he's going to try and take a charge from a ref this game.
- How aggressive will Curry be? And I of course mean Ayesha Curry. I think she's going to shiv a ref, no joke.
- IGGY'S FREAKING BACK. WE DON'T NEED TO BE TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

Safe Summer PSA

You know for a long while I was the typical Central Park Runner. I was out there 2-3 times a week, thought I was better then everyone else, and hated every ass-clown on two wheels. They never seemed to follow the rules of the road, were way too fast in crowded areas, and were an absolute nuisance.

Then I injured my leg and have been pretty much just biking for the last 6 months. I now know that runners are total butt-pirates. They never heed the signs of the road, don't account for anyone or anything more then 3 feet away from them, and are an absolute nuisance.

I thought a lot about this dichotomy as an argument raged in my head. Whose really worse? And what could bring us together?

I thought it best to write it down.

Five Thoughts On Game Five

And we're now off the beaten path.

I very rarely write about sports. It's not that I'm not passionate about them, I am. I've woken up at 4 AM to watch Australian Open matches. I've worn face paint and screamed my throat sore at a football game. I'm the proud owner of a single Latrell Sprewell and Patrick Ewing sock (lets be honest, more then one of either is a waste of money).

I avoid sports writing because no matter what it pisses 95% of readers off. Or more accurately, makes people irrationally lose their shit. You pick the wrong sport (like admitting to love tennis) - people lose their shit. You praise the wrong team or player - shit is lost. You praise the RIGHT team or player in the WRONG way - shit cannot be found. You make abstract connections or comparisons, incorporate too many stats, not enough stats, personal anecdotes, future predictions, past correlations, or anything that would normally be a sound method of analysis - BYE BYE POOP.

But this blog has all been about new things for me. And with there potentially - AT MAX - being only two more games in the NBA season, it seems like a perfect time to try my hand at "basketball blogging." Or as I'll call my future column: "The Hard-Wood Hard-On."

1) Kyrie Irving is a Basketball Assassin.

There were a bunch of big takeaways from last night's game. The Cavs proved they could win a game at Oracle Arena when it mattered most. Andrew Bogut showed us that you can writhe on the floor for twenty minutes before anyone will help you. Mo Williams proved that he is still in the NBA. But the biggest takeaway from the night was that Kyrie Irving is one of the most ridiculous offensive weapons the NBA has ever seen.

Exhibit A: The "Fuck It, This Is Going In"


This is not even the video I was looking for. I think the most ridiculous play of the night was with 7:30 left in the fourth quarter; the Warriors - as always - poised to play catch up. Irving drove, did about a 720 spin move into Klay Thompson, got the bucket, the foul, and killed Golden States' potential for momentum. He just kept doing that. DAGGERS. Off the backboard, or from three, or after nearly falling down on the court. He could not miss.

It's a performance that will probably be forgotten if/when the Cavaliers lose, but should not be. I don't care how great Lebron played, Kyrie won his team this game. Sincerely believe that. If he's not there Lebron has a forgettable fourth, and the Warriors take home another championship. He's - at least - delayed that.

2) Draymond Green is Lebrontinite (Lebron Kryptonite)

Last night we finally got a peak at Angry Lebron. It's that absurd vicious killer version he only seems to whip out on special occasions (See: Heat V. Celtics Game 6) that refuses to be denied. It's the first time we've seen it in the finals, and I truly believe it only happened because Draymond Green was off the floor.

We make a big deal that Lebron can enter this cheat mode whenever he wants, but there's a reason its not the norm. He needs to generate points at the rim, impose his physicality, and get the other team to ease a few steps back on his jumper. None of that happens with Green on the floor. Green can handle him at the rim, denies his penetration, and makes him work for every point. And on top of that, he just gets under his skin. Whatever it is - my bet is the constant fear of groin kicking - it takes Lebron off his game. He can't get the points he wants, he can't generate momentum, and you can see him FEEL the moment slip away. It's pretty dope/horrible depending on your allegiances.

3) Steph Curry is Starting To Annoy Me

Steph Curry is a really great basketball player. I don't think anyone could rightly argue otherwise. He also seems like a fun, cool guy. I don't even want to make fun of the pubes he glues in and around his mouth as an attempt at a goatee. And that's saying A LOT. But it's funny to me that he's - again - been pretty absent in these NBA finals. I know his presence allows Golden States' other players the freedom to shoot better shots, and I'm aware he had a 38 point game just 4 days ago, but are we not going to hold him to higher standards?

I just think it's odd that we're not really talking about his shortcomings in the sports media realm. When Lebron has an off night - when he misses shots, or can't lead his team to victory down the stretch - it always seems like the blame falls hardest on him. Yet when Steph - a two time MVP now - is largely absent from the second half of the game, we don't hear anything about it. It's all about Kyrie and Lebron's greatness, or Draymond not playing. The guy went 8 for 21 with 4 turnovers. He missed a bunch of key shots and it really seemed like this was Klay's team the whole night. Even if they do win the championship, is he the guy who gets the MVP? Does it fall to him just out of a lack of candidates? Why aren't we tearing this debate apart? Maybe because...

4) These Narrative Changes Suck Balls

This is another reason I hate writing about sports - especially in a "series" type of event. The media gets hung up on something it can analyze and track during every game. And between games. And in the lead up to more games. 9 out of 10 times it's all proved an asinine anomaly by the next game. I know that's the unfortunate nature of the beast, but good Lord that's annoying.

Do you guys remember how Channing Frye was the greatest in-season acquisition of all time? How his 3-point shot was unstoppable? He's had two points the entire series. How about how Durant and Westbrook were demolishing the Warriors? Then lost the series. Or how Cleveland was going to sweep Toronto, lost two games and was suddenly going to lose the series, then won two more to handle business? Here are the only three plot lines you need to follow for this series:

a) Cleveland and Golden State really want to win a title.

b) The game they play is basketball.

c) Draymond Green wants to destroy all penises.

That's all that matters every game. My only possible addition would be d) Paul Pierce is not a thing. Stop trying to make him a thing.

5) I Hate How Announcers Are Branded

Speaking of announcer difficulties... I hate how correspondents, anchors, and commentators are all the property of a certain specific network. Mainly because the ABC team is just generic and boring. I'm a homer for Van Gundy - because he frequently decides to just not give a crap - and Jalen Rose is always fun to listen to. But good God the rest of this team puts me to bed. Mark Jackson sounds like he's four Ambien deep every night, and I don't know if Mike Breen has seen a basketball game before. I think if they'd let him he'd defer questions to members of the crowd.

I miss Kenny, Shaq, Charles, and even Reggie. They're not the best announcers - for technique and such other important "things" - but they're fun and exciting. I think all announcers should be "free agents," and they should be selected for each individual game. You could pick fun announcers, good announcers, or relevant announcers. I kind of would love to hear what former Warriors Star Latrell Sprewell thinks about the team now. Or lets cut all sense of reasonable decision making and get Steph Marbury. I want to hear what he thinks about EVERYTHING. Why are we limited in our choices? Can we not do better?

6) BONUS ROUND

Six things to watch for in Game Six:
- Draymond Green returns, so put away them groins.
- Richard Jefferson is playing like he just left the Nets yesterday, and wants to prove it wasn't his fault they sucked. If that keeps up the Cavs could win it all.
- Anderson Varejao will attempt his greatest feat, flopping to crowd noise.
- Tyronn Lue will try out a new coaching technique. It's called coaching.
- Steph Curry's mouth guard will finally escape, and seek revenge.
- Mike Breen will confuse Tristan and Klay Thompson 325 times in 48 minutes of basketball.

Cooking With Glass

Not much to say on this one. An idea I had for a product/cooking technique that I think could sweep the nation. Or at least give Guy Fieri another show.

Enjoy,

A Fair and Balanced Analysis of the 2001 Film Hardball

I enjoy - probably a lot more then I should - re-watching older films and TV shows. This is not to say that I'm a "connoisseur" or "devotee" to the better constructions of the mediums. I will (and more aptly, have) re-watched absolute and utter garbage. Couldn't tell you why either. Sometimes it's nostalgia. Sometimes it's to confirm preconceived notions of good and bad storytelling. More often then not its brought on entirely by extreme boredom and having a functional Netflix account.

And for more reasons I can't explain, I'm a particular sucker for baseball movies. I played little league as a kid, but sucked. I enjoyed watching Yankees games, but really only for the accompanying snacks. Yet I've always had an affinity for baseball movies. Of course for classics (Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, The Natural, etc..) but also, for less provocative films in the genre. Lets just say I don't want to say out loud the number of times I've seen Angels in the Outfield. Or Rookie of the Year. Or admit to having enjoyed Mr. 3000. And all three (yes, I said it) of the Major League "movies." I've even gone so far as to watch the trailer for Benchwarmers.

I am not proud of my addiction.

But yesterday - in the throws of said enslavement - I re-watched the 2001 baseball film Hardball. I definitely watched it as a kid, but the only really tangible thing I could remember was the ending. And that it was depressing as all hell. But in the interest of science - and to kill time before the NBA Finals - I decided to revisit the film. And although I wasn't expecting it to really spur any next level thinking, it incited in me a barrage of questions. Questions I feel we'd all be better off from discussing. Oh and SPOILING too, in case you really had planned on seeing this 15 year old movie.

Is this the worst baseball movie ever made?

"Does anyone know what we do next? Anyone?"

Undoubtedly so. The amount of baseball "action" in this movie isn't actually bad. The kids spend a decent amount of time on the field when we're not concerned with Keanu's character making a bet, losing a bet, thinking of making another bet, or changing his mind on a bet. But what makes the movie terrible in terms of baseball content, is two fold:

1) Keanu Reeves teaches them baseball for a grand total of 4 hits into the outfield.
For a movie about a team growing and overcoming life through baseball, the man teaches them nothing. He buys them things - new uniforms, tickets to a major league game, a life changing three pizzas - but he fixes none of their on-field problems. The first time they play no one can catch a ball. Two games later they're unstoppable talents. He is nowhere to be found in that process. Except for helping his pitcher find his "rhythm" (we'll get to it), and....

2) Holy shit that ending.
I'll talk about the twist in a moment, but to win the penultimate game he blatantly cheats. Because it's the right thing to do. AWESOME MESSAGE. And then the final game, for the championship they wanted so bad, is... PICTURES OF THEM HOLDING THE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY. I get that "it's not about that" by the end, but why have them even play then? Why not make the second to last game the championship? It's not a happy ending anyway you slice it. A CHILD JUST DIED.

Is this the worst kids movie ever made?

Well this escalated quickly.

If you read the above sentence, then I think you already know the answer. This was so horrible. Even worse on the second watching. For those who haven't seen it, the movie in part revolves around a precocious nine year old named G-Baby. His older brother is on the team, and he wants to be too. But he's too young to be on the team. So he becomes a secondary coach/mascot, and hangs with Keanu in the dugout. He's great.

Or, he was great. Because after their second to last game, he gets shot. In a drug killing gone wrong. In his brothers arms. HIS 11 YEAR OLD BROTHER'S ARMS. Then we learn about him heroically winning the team the game, at his funeral, as the coach gives a passionate speech about how he changed his life. This was the trailer for the movie:

It has a a DMB song in the background, a record scratch, and two spots involving head injuries. Even though it gets inspirational and "serious" at the end, I don't necessarily equate that with nine year olds dying. Which is like the most heavy-handed way ever to get an already made point across.

Is this the laziest movie ever made?

It's a scientific fact. Pizza = team growth.

Yes. That seems like a pretty big generalization to make, but its 100% accurate. Nothing in this movie is remotely unique or original. Everything is borrowed, bastardized, and boring. I'm absurdly positive this was the pitch meeting. Verbatim.

Producer 1: We need another baseball movie.
Producer 2: How about an updated "Bad News Bears?"
Producer 1: Like a gritty reboot?
Producer 2: Exactly.
Producer 1: But how?
< 30 minutes of silence and hard drugs >
Producer 2: THE KIDS ARE BLACK.
Producer 1: SOMEONE GET ME MY CHECKBOOK.

It's such homogenized bullshit. It's a cinematic Mad Lib of the highest order.

Leading man Keanu Reeves hits hard times because of his drinking and gambling addictions. To fix his gambling problem, he agrees to help teach an inner city baseball program. At first he only coaches to make money, and to win the love of Diane Lane. A schoolteacher, who also loves the kids. Soon, he finds out that his players need him. And that he might need them. In the end he becomes a better person, and the kids win the championship.

Is this the worst Keanu Reeves movie ever made?

"I SHOULD HAVE DONE ANOTHER BILL AND TED!"

Most certainly. And that's saying something for an actor best known for playing men who have little to no discernible emotions. But this is tough to watch. His most intense scene is him beating himself up. He also yells at kids, a car, a woman, and his friend. Does he take all of that back within 2 scenes/30 seconds? Of course he does. Then he fills out the movie with this.

I mean it's grade A ass sitting, but to make this movie even remotely passable, I would have needed more. But, to be honest, even if we Daniel Day Lewis, I don't think I could forgive a film that...

Is the most simplistically racist movie ever?

I'm pretty sure this font is "Ghetto Papyrus." It explains a lot.

A million times over. I'm willing to concede that its not easy to paint a nuanced picture of racial prejudice and inner city life in a 2 hour movie. But this was just a masterclass in BROAD brush strokes. The projects aren't bad, they're Fallujah. In the ten seconds they're on screen we witness a beating, a car fire, and a drug killing. These kids fear for their life every second of the day.

If I'm going to have to buy that, I can't also buy that the kids who come out of said projects would immediately - and with almost no hesitation - trust, support, and follow a drunk white guy who claims to be their new baseball coach. They listen to everything he says, and trust in him so unequivocally that they assuage the fears of every adult around them.

OF A GUY THEY JUST MET A MONTH AGO.

It's just full of insultingly simple white-black dynamics. There's a white teacher who has devoted herself to the education of these kids on every level. The black families are nowhere to be found for these kids yet they have packed stands at their games. Keanu adopts black culture by learning and loving the Notorious B.I.G.

I'm all for racial growth and discussion, but this all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like a white writer wrote a book about hard times in a Chicago ghetto. And a white producer and director cast two famous white actors to tell the story. Ugh.

I need to just stick to The Sandlot.

Law and Order - Nebraska

First things first, I apologize for the week long absence. I spent a good amount of time working on some freelance - non blog stuff - have had some sweet computer problems, and also got drunk and played outside. Doesn't feel fair to blame it entirely on that, but I'm going to anyway. Because I owe you heathens amazing friends and supporters nothing less talky more writey.

And I promise to be more on my game this week.

As for today's piece - I think it's more then just an attempt to improve my comedic writing. I think it's a real world - no bull shit - look at the police force in middle America. And I think those people deserve to have a voice. And since there might be a paycheck in it, it should be my voice.

Enjoy.

Signing Up For Helping Out

Homelessness. It's a problem that affects millions each year.

And of course I'm talking about the people who have to interact with the homeless. It's tough. I mean, I consider myself a pretty moral and caring person. But every single day I have to stare a homeless person in the eyes intently at the blank screen on my phone while a homeless person passes. Knowing full well that I could help, but don't.

And why not? Because if I gave to every needy or disadvantaged citizen I encountered, I'd be starving myself. They're everywhere. And all deserving of care and support.

So in an effort to help those who really need it - my conscience and troubled soul - I've decided to offer a few sign ideas for gathering meaningful donations. In this day and age you really need to capture a citizen's heart and mind before you can tap into their wallet. And I believe I've done that here. So, to any homeless people out there reading this, I offer these free of charge.

And I wish you luck.