Love Dies Hard.... With a Vengeance

I have been - and probably always will be - an aficionado of "Action" movies. I consider Lethal Weapon a masterpiece, I have cheered for Arnold Schwarzenegger chasing a motorcycle through a hotel on a horse, and I scream "Kumite" anytime it looks like two people, children, or animals are about to fight/argue.

But if we're being completely honest, the apex of the genre is and will always be Die Hard. It's not just a great action movie, it's a great movie. I hold it in the highest regard and have held a similar affection for its two sequels (AND ONLY TWO SEQUELS, NA-NA-NA I'M NOT LISTENING) Die Harder and Die Hard With A Vengeance.

Like most rational people I for a long time believed that third film of the trilogy - Die Hard With A Vengeance - was the better of the sequels. The plot was more coherent and exciting, the stakes were higher, the villain was more villainous, and Samuel L. Jackson was the sidekick. One of the greatest actors ever was the "sassy partner." How could you NOT love that?

But after living in NYC for a few years now - where the film is set - my opinion of the movie has declined exponentially. A man can only suspend his disbelief so far during a movie about a massive gold heist/bomb plot/intricate cat and mouse game all foiled by a drunk detective and a random citizen over the course of 8 hours.

But no native New Yorker could forgive these errors.

1) A NYC CAB DRIVER STOPPED FOR A PERSON LYING IN THE ROAD.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Towards the beginning of the movie John McClane (Bruce Willis) is tasked with the challenge of spending some time in Harlem wearing a big sign-board which reads "I hate" and the "N-word." That is unless you watch the film on basic cable, in which the sign reads "I hate everyone." Either way this goes predictably bad for John, and it is only after the intervention of Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) that he escapes the ensuing melee. The problem is that during said brawl - with some understandably angry African Americans - John is tossed into the street and a cab stops a mere 30 to 40 inches from his head.

I have never seen, and will never see, a cab driver stop for anything. A NYC cab driver would have swerved recklessly into the rest of the road, or - more likely - run over ANY thing in his path. He would eventually stop, but not until he spotted his next fare. I can understand why the director chose this miscue - as a 17 minute sequel might not garner much critical acclaim - but I can't stand by it. In the real world an Ahkmed (not racist, comedy blog, stop writing hate mail) would be picking out McClane's hair from his rear axle two hours after the accident. All the while cursing the man's stupidity for being in the road in the first place.

2) BALLSY CITIZENS ON PAYPHONES

Side Issue - Gray's Papaya line should be into the crosswalk

New Yorkers - especially in the early Nineties - were tough, no-nonsense, people. I'm not here to argue their vigor or sass, and honestly I find it nice that the filmmakers decided to incorporate it into the movie. But on two separate occasions Sammy and Bruce need to use a payphone that is currently occupied by a New York Citizen. These civilians aren't just reluctant to give up the phone, they're hostile about it. I can understand said aggression if say a man in a business suit asked them to step aside, but this is hardly the case. The first woman is approached by two men, covered in sweat and blood, who are yelling intensely about being police officers. She pretty much tells them to "F*ck Off."

The New York Lotto Jackpot Is -- no, okay, take my wallet!

The second time is an even more glaring misstep. We're down in the subway, in a poorly lit section, under a staircase, with seemingly no one around. And yet a quiet, very white businessman (in an exciting cameo by the New York Lottery Guy) suddenly has the nerve to tell Samuel L. Jackson to "calm down, bro." Samuel L Jackson has one sleeve ripped off, is dripping blood from said exposed arm, and is demanding him to get off the phone. As a New Yorker I can tell you that I would have seen Sam THE MOMENT he walked down the steps. I would have told the other person on the phone that I was about to get raped as soon as he started approaching. And I would have run like a fucking gazelle as soon as he started talking to me. That's just real talk.

3) THEY DRIVE THROUGH CENTRAL PARK AND DON'T KILL 15 PLUS PEOPLE

No lie, if the fair was right I would do this EVERY day.

This one is just absurd. In the heat of trying to make it to their next "riddle" on time "John McCool" drives a speeding taxi cab straight through Central Park. Not across the transverse, not on a road or path, just THROUGH the park. Have you ever been in Central Park? He'd have killed 7 tourists just turning off of 8th Avenue. The front of his car would look like he drove through a petting zoo.

More importantly "Mac-Attack," at the VERY least, has been a New York City resident for seven years at this point. The mere notion that he wouldn't intentionally try to maul innocent tourists and pedestrians is laughable. If I were a cop - on a high stakes mission to stop a large bomb from going off - I'd calculate that there's a 60-70% probability that a minor manslaughter or two would be overlooked or leniently prosecuted. I'd personally start mowing down crowds of citibikes at a 6-7% chance of the same promise. And I've only lived here for four years.

4) AN AMBULANCE CAN NAVIGATE NYC TRAFFIC

There's a 40% chance the driver dies of old age before making it to hospital.

After driving through Central Park "Mac-Daddy" and "Hey-Zeus Christo" hit the road and unfortunately find a massive traffic jam. In a pretty clever move "Mac-Arthur Park" dials 911, processes a fake "officer down" call, and tries to use the ensuing ambulance as a route to escape the vehicular stoppage. That's all well and good, except, NYC cars DO NOT move for ambulances. We really are that selfish and awful. If you're going to ask me to delay my trip 20 - 25 extra seconds or save a human life, the answer is pretty obvious. Adios el victimo! Next time fall ill in a less populated city.

5) ANYONE WOULD LISTEN TO SOMEONE YELLING ON A SUBWAY

Where are these people's headphones?

As the plot thickens, "Bruce Caboose" must thwart a bomb which has been placed at the front of a New York City subway car. As he slowly walks the bomb towards the back of the train he informs (or more so yells for) the passengers to "move towards the front of the train." He mentions that he is an NYC police officer, that he's carrying a bomb, and that people are in great danger. And we're supposed to believe that the people in this subway car believe him? That they flee towards the front of the subway? HA.

There's only one rule for a subway rider: if and when you are being harassed, DO NOT MOVE. Moving is a sign of weakness. It lets the evangelist/meth addict/homeless person/musician know that you are indeed paying attention to them. All that will do is inspire them to ratchet up the craziness. Any true New Yorker keeps their head down, pretends to focus harder on their book/newspaper, and refuses to flinch until the trouble dissipates. To imagine that a subway car of people would bend to the will of one person screaming nonsense about a bomb is ridiculous. I've been threatened with much worse and didn't even take my eyes off my Candy Crush game. In real life he could have fired his gun in the air and 85% percent of people would have stayed seated. At most an old person would have told him to "shut the hell up."

6) AN ALL-WHITE CONSTRUCTION CREW

This seems more like an audition for the Village People than anything.

It may be difficult to discern - as, for some reason it's difficult to get a good screenshot of the background of an unimportant scene in a movie - but what we have pictured here is a construction crew. It's part of an elaborate plan by the main villain to steal all the gold under the Federal Reserve Building while posing as "clean-up crews" for the aforementioned Subway explosion. It's a pretty ingenious plan, to be honest. Except, the ENTIRE construction crew is made up of white guys. Svelt Aryan-Master-Race white guys.

If any New Yorker saw a construction crew with forty men and NO minorities alarms would go off. Not one Hispanic man? Not one African American worker? And the white workers aren't surly, overweight, ridiculously hungover Italian or Irish Americans? I can't even process such a ridiculous thought. Yes it's a horribly racist thought, but it's an accurate one. And I can't overlook such glaring inaccuracies.

7) YOU COULD LEAVE SOMETHING UNATTENDED, AND IT WOULDN'T GET STOLEN

"I'm just as shocked as you are that this shit is still here"

In another important scene our dynamic duo - "J-Mac" and "The Zeus is Loose" - arrive at a park to find another bomb and another riddle. It involves an important (and expensive) looking briefcase and two large empty water jugs left unattended on a fountain. They arrive to find all three pieces left undisturbed. 

In real life, the BEST case scenario would be the swift and immediate theft of all three items. Pretty much whatever guy that set them up would have turned around and turned back to see a horde of thieves fleeing. The more likely scenario is that when our heroes arrived a homeless man would be pissing into one of the jugs and a crack head would be trying to pawn the "microwave-radio" for $6.50.

8) YOU CAN JUST STROLL AROUND YANKEE STADIUM

Normally only the Mets Stadium is this empty. Boom, roasted.

As we near the end of the heist, "Zeus Moose" is sent out on his own to retrieve the final clue in Yankee Stadium. I feel at this point it is important to note the following facts:

- This character is NOT a cop. So he can't just show up and flash a badge to get in.

- This character is bleeding, dirty, shirt torn in half, and (I don't see this, but I've been told) African American.

- There is no game. The stadium is empty save for employees.

Yet somehow, "Zeus-Juice" just saunters right in. He walks himself right up to the home team dugout, and no one says a God damn thing. Umm... Yahhh-NO. There is no way he's let in the stadium. There's no way he's not tackled within three feet of entering. There's definitely no way he just hobbles up to the field without attracting ANY attention. Have you tried to cut into field seats during a blow-out game? There's no way those asshole ushers are letting him that close to a Yankee Stadium billboard, let alone the actual field.

9) THE SAWMILL PARKWAY COULD HOUSE A CAR CHASE

There are only two ways to drive on the Sawmill Parkway. Slowly and cautiously. Yet after escaping the bad guys, again, our heroes "Spruce Bruce" and "Action Jackson" find themselves in a harrowing car chase on one of the worst highways on the planet. In the pouring rain. Yet this is how "Sam-I-am"

is caught driving:

I know, I need to get better at my screenshots.

It may be somewhat (or completely) tough to tell, but he's staring wide-eyed, out the driver side window, while going 60 in a downpour. They could have rolled the credits right then. I don't even put on the radio on that road. No one is surviving such lackluster focus.

Yet still they have - AND SURVIVE - a high speed chase and gun battle. They spin their car 180 degrees, avoid Uzi fire, and manage to take out their enemies.

And they don't even have their lights on!

If this weren't a movie, thousands would be dead. Admittedly only like 100 from the chase itself though. The rest would have committed suicide in their cars from the traffic delays.

10) THE HUDSON RIVER IS COMPRISED OF WATER

This water would be on fire. It would find a way.

HA. HAHA.

After jumping 12 feet from a 40 kiloton explosion (which produces its own mushroom cloud) "Big Mac" and "Ob-Zeus Triangle" find themselves flung into the Hudson River. Do you see the color of the water? The color blue?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is hysterical. At best the Hudson River is the color of raw sewage. It is 94% mud, has the viscosity of tar, and is far more potent a health risk then a 40 Kiloton explosion. They would have popped up for air and been neck deep in floating fish carcasses.

I just hope the fourth movie will be more believable. Whenever they make that.