As we're now less than a month out from the 2016 Summer Olympics, there's a lot of talk about the potential pitfalls of the Rio Games. To put it kindly, Brazil is a "Horrible Hellscape Butt-F@#ked Six Ways From Sunday." And that Sunday's weather is "cloudy with a chance of cataclysm."
The country's just falling apart. There's political upheaval/revolution, collapsing infrastructure, pollution issues, social unrest, and the looming threat of a communicable disease outbreak. And that's without introducing one of the world's largest, most complex, and emotionally charged sporting events to the mix. It's a very bleak and disheartening situation. And that may be the "best case scenario" view point.
Is there a way to fix the games? Is there a way to push past the issues and make this one of the best Olympics of recent memory? Of course there is. And I - a slightly employed man in his late twenties - of course have the five step plan that should fix everything.
1) Embrace the Chaos
Let's be honest with ourselves here; there is no way we're going to fix Rio before the Games arrive. Sure, we "could" waste our time on "solving" the bigger issues and making "proactive choices" to ensure the safest and must successful games we can feasibly produce. But, WHERE THE HECK IS THE FUN IN THAT.
Let's just bathe ourselves in the sweet perfumed haze of anarchy. Instead of trying to fix the polluted waters of the the sailing and rowing events, let's amp up the dumping. You got trash in your house just float it on down. How much more fun would the Men's Lightweight Four prelims be if teams had to row through obstacles. Wouldn't you be more inclined to watch the Canoe Sprint finals if you knew that crippling bowel movements and nausea we're a mid-race probability? The biggest question is why are we still doing the indoor swimming INDOORS? You want to see Michael Phelps set another world record? Don't you think there's a better chance of that if he knows prolonged exposure to the water could cause Hepatitis and severe brain damage?
Changes like this just need to be implemented across the board. Let the power issues at the gymnastics center persist. Nothing spices up an Uneven Bars routine like the threat of a blackout during a bar transfer. Move the Marathon and other long distances races to that bike path that collapsed last month, That's just a no-brainer. And don't be afraid to get creative! Bring in mosquitoes for the start of every track and field race. Maybe re-animate those dead bodies on the outdoor volleyball court. The sky's the limit! And even that's negotiable with the right balance of "sticktuitiveness" and rocket engineering.
2) Find Hope with Dope
Although it's not really a fault of Brazil or it's collapsing society, doping is going to be another big issue at the games. Nearly the entire Russian Delegation (save for two athletes) has been banned from competition, and numerous other singular competitors from other nations have been excluded because of positive tests and violations. Plus there's the ever-looming threat that an athlete previously cleared tests positive AT the games.
What I propose is that we invite all these athletes to compete, BUT, add new carefully calculated restrictions and caveats that try to mitigate their competitive advantages. Are you a runner that tested positive? You can still compete at your events, but you now have to carry a small 5-6 pound Howler Monkey on your back. What about a gymnast who got busted for HGH? Don't worry, you're still on the squad. We've just shaved another inch off the width of your balance beam. We could require cheating power lifters to wear Skechers Step Ups, throw some KY-Jelly on the grips of a PED using Pole Vaulter's pole, insist that banned table tennis pros wear old-timey roller skates. The new policy will be cheaters CAN play. The game is just going to be a lot more complex.
3) Let's Get Physical Political
The political and social climate in Brazil is going to be a tense scene. There's going to be a lot of poor and disenfranchised people who don't want the Games or it's athletes there, a bunch of tourists and visitors unsure of how to interact with them, and about 80,000 police officers and military personnel on-site just to add fire-arms and potential force to the mixture. Everyone is going to be on edge, and smart athletes who are given a platform to talk are going to try and avoid getting themselves entangled in the mess.
Let's not let them. Let's hand every athlete we can a mic and ask them heated political and social questions. Better yet, let's let the citizens themselves ask them. Maybe in their native Portuguese! Don't you want to hear what Usain Bolt has to say about the impeachment proceedings of Dilma Rousseff? Or 19 year old Simone Biles' opinions on the socio-political impact of creating potentially unnecessary infrastructure during an economic crisis? I know I would. Especially as she sits next to a Wheaties box in front of several thousand irate Brazilians. Viva la chaos!
4) Free Tickets
Which speaking of, let's get more angry Brazilians in the stands. Ticket sales have been under-performing to this point, for many obvious reasons. Why not fill those seats with native Brazilians? Give those people who need it most a distraction from the tumult and unrest around them. And do it for free. It's a great gift for a people that need it, and a brilliant PR move for a country that could definitely use some good news on the AP wire.
And we'd get several thousand rowdy Brazilians showing up to all types of athletic events. I'd obviously love to see what disorder and pandemonium they could add to already popular events, but I'm most intrigued by what they could add to the lesser known and appreciated sports. A couple extra thousand homeless individuals watching the pomp and circumstance of a Dressage routine? Five thousand incensed, passionate, possibly drunk men at a Women's Team Synchronized Swimming performance? WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!
5) Make Every Event A "Winner Leaves Town" Showdown
I know, I saved the best for last. This idea is a must. If you want to see athletes rise to new heights - achieve records and times we never thought possible - they need to be incentivized. And what better incentive could there be then, "if you don't win, you don't go home." Competitors would fight tooth and nail to insure that they stood atop the podium. It would be amazing spectacle.
And what's even better, is that Brazil would inherit a new group of citizens to help rebuild their country with. Citizens who are strong, tough, agile, and probably great at manual labor. That's just a win-win-win. Can't wait to see it announced during the opening ceremonies!
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