Westworld? More Like BESTworld!

Yep. Still need to work on my title game. Note taken.

But I stand by the sentiment. Just five episodes into its inaugural season, and Westworld has already skyrocketed up my list of favorite TV shows. I mean, only time will tell how high it goes up the list. If season one ends with a kid shaking a tiny western-themed snow globe, my affection will fade.

But if the show continues to be as enthralling as it has been so far, it may be surpassing some much beloved programs in the not too distant future. What makes the show so great? It’s easy.

S-C-I-E-N-C-E.

S - Setting

There's something amazing about the grit, grime, and gruffness of the American West. Before you even think about plot, you just know you're going to get booze, debauchery, cussing, shoot-outs, and horse-chases. Westworld gives you all of that (and then some #Pariahtown), coupled with the beauty of the untouched frontier. There's stunning vistas, beautiful plateaus, and truly gorgeous gorges. And the fact that you even notice them as people are mangled, tortured, and murdered: that's saying something.

C - Chaos

Speaking of torture and murder - this show is off the rails. In just five episodes we've seen scalping, self-inflicted stab wounds, a man bash his own head in, a sip of milk drain out through multiple bullet holes, and another man's head explode via cigar. And that's just the really noteworthy stuff. Exit wounds are like mosquito bites in this world. But - and this is going to be hard to say after the previous lines - nothing seems over the top. The violence of this world - as per mechanism of the plot - all seems purposeful and sensible. Everything that happens here gives us a glimpse into the park, it's inhabitants, and the guests who come to visit. Or looks cool enough for me to not care. One or the other.

I - Intrigue

I think this is honestly why I love this show so much. We're halfway into the first season, and I have no idea what is happening. And - well, for the most part - not in a bad way. Nothing in the show is really "confusing." It's more so just wonderfully mysterious. What's happening to Dolores? What's happening to Maeve? What is the Maze? Who's siphoning info out of the park? What's up with Dr. Ford? Or Stubbs? Or anyone, ever, in the entire show? There's 300 plot points, all interacting and evolving over two very distinct worlds, and the possible outcomes and interactions seem limitless. That's the best kind of TV. Where you can watch, and dissect, and immerse yourself in a world; only to be completely wrong and wildly off-base. Like season one of King Of Queens. Who knew Leah Remini's character wasn't held against her will and forced to love Kevin James' character. Shocking twist!

E - Expendability

I think the problem with most TV is that right from the get go the viewer - whether implicitly or internally - defines a premise's end game. Jim needs to date Pam, Jack Bauer needs to thwart the terrorist, the "Golden Girls" need to not die. Good shows make the journey to that point fun, exciting, or intriguing. Great shows never really let you get a lock on what the end game is. Think Game of Thrones for a second. There's lots of reason to love that show, but the biggest is that no character is ever safe. Important people die all the time, and as an audience, you're left trying to figure out what comes next. This aura of expendability - where character's fates aren't knowable in advance - is exciting. And Westworld takes that concept and ratchets it up to eleven. The inhabitants of Westworld - I'm hesitant to call them robots - can, and do, die all the time. But they can come back. And they can come back as new people. Or "different" people. You never know who is still in the game, or out. And you never know - for sure at least - who is and isn't a "robot." It makes it very tough to lose interest.

N - Nudity

I know what you're thinking. And you're right. Boobs, boobs, boobs. Sometimes too many to handle (again #Pariahtown). But - lest that not interest you - there's also a surprising amount of other genitals as well. We've seen an extended shot of an inconsequential character spilling a drink while hanging dong. If that's not in your formula for great TV, I don't know what is.

C - Casting

This cast is beyond amazing. I could waste your time and talk about Marsden, or Jimmi Simpson, or Thandi Newton. They'd all be deserving of adulation. But lets just be honest here: Ed Harris is putting on a freaking clinic as the Man in Black. I mean the guy has been in like 60 movies - and been great in all of them - but this may be his defining role. Rugged, ruthless, methodical, driven, and dapper AF. We're approaching "Omar-esque" levels of character love, and we haven't even begun to explore his back story. Which I guarantee will be amazing. Harris is so good in this role, he makes you forget about Anthony Hopkins perfected performance as a nuanced inventor struggling to regain control over his creations. Who makes Anthony Hopkins a freaking footnote?!

E - Evan Rachel Wood

Still - as good as Ed Harris has been - I feel special praise must be heaped upon Evan Rachel Wood. As Dolores, the show's centerpiece, she's been truly fascinating to watch. Mainly because as at any one given time Dolores is going through about 45 layers of character evolution and growth. In five episodes she's gone from "peaceful unaware robot who wouldn't hurt a fly" to "bad-ass gunslinger desperately longing for answers at all costs." She has visions, and dreams, and hears voices, and has a secret mission from said voice, and is experiencing the world for the first time. And Wood nails all of that. You believe every second of it, even when a single scene has her unfold up to three unique layers of personality. And if it's tough to follow any of that - which it is - imagine acting it. Preach on sista, you're doing the Lord's work.

Love Dies Hard.... With a Vengeance

I have been - and probably always will be - an aficionado of "Action" movies. I consider Lethal Weapon a masterpiece, I have cheered for Arnold Schwarzenegger chasing a motorcycle through a hotel on a horse, and I scream "Kumite" anytime it looks like two people, children, or animals are about to fight/argue.

But if we're being completely honest, the apex of the genre is and will always be Die Hard. It's not just a great action movie, it's a great movie. I hold it in the highest regard and have held a similar affection for its two sequels (AND ONLY TWO SEQUELS, NA-NA-NA I'M NOT LISTENING) Die Harder and Die Hard With A Vengeance.

Like most rational people I for a long time believed that third film of the trilogy - Die Hard With A Vengeance - was the better of the sequels. The plot was more coherent and exciting, the stakes were higher, the villain was more villainous, and Samuel L. Jackson was the sidekick. One of the greatest actors ever was the "sassy partner." How could you NOT love that?

But after living in NYC for a few years now - where the film is set - my opinion of the movie has declined exponentially. A man can only suspend his disbelief so far during a movie about a massive gold heist/bomb plot/intricate cat and mouse game all foiled by a drunk detective and a random citizen over the course of 8 hours.

But no native New Yorker could forgive these errors.

1) A NYC CAB DRIVER STOPPED FOR A PERSON LYING IN THE ROAD.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Towards the beginning of the movie John McClane (Bruce Willis) is tasked with the challenge of spending some time in Harlem wearing a big sign-board which reads "I hate" and the "N-word." That is unless you watch the film on basic cable, in which the sign reads "I hate everyone." Either way this goes predictably bad for John, and it is only after the intervention of Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) that he escapes the ensuing melee. The problem is that during said brawl - with some understandably angry African Americans - John is tossed into the street and a cab stops a mere 30 to 40 inches from his head.

I have never seen, and will never see, a cab driver stop for anything. A NYC cab driver would have swerved recklessly into the rest of the road, or - more likely - run over ANY thing in his path. He would eventually stop, but not until he spotted his next fare. I can understand why the director chose this miscue - as a 17 minute sequel might not garner much critical acclaim - but I can't stand by it. In the real world an Ahkmed (not racist, comedy blog, stop writing hate mail) would be picking out McClane's hair from his rear axle two hours after the accident. All the while cursing the man's stupidity for being in the road in the first place.

2) BALLSY CITIZENS ON PAYPHONES

Side Issue - Gray's Papaya line should be into the crosswalk

New Yorkers - especially in the early Nineties - were tough, no-nonsense, people. I'm not here to argue their vigor or sass, and honestly I find it nice that the filmmakers decided to incorporate it into the movie. But on two separate occasions Sammy and Bruce need to use a payphone that is currently occupied by a New York Citizen. These civilians aren't just reluctant to give up the phone, they're hostile about it. I can understand said aggression if say a man in a business suit asked them to step aside, but this is hardly the case. The first woman is approached by two men, covered in sweat and blood, who are yelling intensely about being police officers. She pretty much tells them to "F*ck Off."

The New York Lotto Jackpot Is -- no, okay, take my wallet!

The second time is an even more glaring misstep. We're down in the subway, in a poorly lit section, under a staircase, with seemingly no one around. And yet a quiet, very white businessman (in an exciting cameo by the New York Lottery Guy) suddenly has the nerve to tell Samuel L. Jackson to "calm down, bro." Samuel L Jackson has one sleeve ripped off, is dripping blood from said exposed arm, and is demanding him to get off the phone. As a New Yorker I can tell you that I would have seen Sam THE MOMENT he walked down the steps. I would have told the other person on the phone that I was about to get raped as soon as he started approaching. And I would have run like a fucking gazelle as soon as he started talking to me. That's just real talk.

3) THEY DRIVE THROUGH CENTRAL PARK AND DON'T KILL 15 PLUS PEOPLE

No lie, if the fair was right I would do this EVERY day.

This one is just absurd. In the heat of trying to make it to their next "riddle" on time "John McCool" drives a speeding taxi cab straight through Central Park. Not across the transverse, not on a road or path, just THROUGH the park. Have you ever been in Central Park? He'd have killed 7 tourists just turning off of 8th Avenue. The front of his car would look like he drove through a petting zoo.

More importantly "Mac-Attack," at the VERY least, has been a New York City resident for seven years at this point. The mere notion that he wouldn't intentionally try to maul innocent tourists and pedestrians is laughable. If I were a cop - on a high stakes mission to stop a large bomb from going off - I'd calculate that there's a 60-70% probability that a minor manslaughter or two would be overlooked or leniently prosecuted. I'd personally start mowing down crowds of citibikes at a 6-7% chance of the same promise. And I've only lived here for four years.

4) AN AMBULANCE CAN NAVIGATE NYC TRAFFIC

There's a 40% chance the driver dies of old age before making it to hospital.

After driving through Central Park "Mac-Daddy" and "Hey-Zeus Christo" hit the road and unfortunately find a massive traffic jam. In a pretty clever move "Mac-Arthur Park" dials 911, processes a fake "officer down" call, and tries to use the ensuing ambulance as a route to escape the vehicular stoppage. That's all well and good, except, NYC cars DO NOT move for ambulances. We really are that selfish and awful. If you're going to ask me to delay my trip 20 - 25 extra seconds or save a human life, the answer is pretty obvious. Adios el victimo! Next time fall ill in a less populated city.

5) ANYONE WOULD LISTEN TO SOMEONE YELLING ON A SUBWAY

Where are these people's headphones?

As the plot thickens, "Bruce Caboose" must thwart a bomb which has been placed at the front of a New York City subway car. As he slowly walks the bomb towards the back of the train he informs (or more so yells for) the passengers to "move towards the front of the train." He mentions that he is an NYC police officer, that he's carrying a bomb, and that people are in great danger. And we're supposed to believe that the people in this subway car believe him? That they flee towards the front of the subway? HA.

There's only one rule for a subway rider: if and when you are being harassed, DO NOT MOVE. Moving is a sign of weakness. It lets the evangelist/meth addict/homeless person/musician know that you are indeed paying attention to them. All that will do is inspire them to ratchet up the craziness. Any true New Yorker keeps their head down, pretends to focus harder on their book/newspaper, and refuses to flinch until the trouble dissipates. To imagine that a subway car of people would bend to the will of one person screaming nonsense about a bomb is ridiculous. I've been threatened with much worse and didn't even take my eyes off my Candy Crush game. In real life he could have fired his gun in the air and 85% percent of people would have stayed seated. At most an old person would have told him to "shut the hell up."

6) AN ALL-WHITE CONSTRUCTION CREW

This seems more like an audition for the Village People than anything.

It may be difficult to discern - as, for some reason it's difficult to get a good screenshot of the background of an unimportant scene in a movie - but what we have pictured here is a construction crew. It's part of an elaborate plan by the main villain to steal all the gold under the Federal Reserve Building while posing as "clean-up crews" for the aforementioned Subway explosion. It's a pretty ingenious plan, to be honest. Except, the ENTIRE construction crew is made up of white guys. Svelt Aryan-Master-Race white guys.

If any New Yorker saw a construction crew with forty men and NO minorities alarms would go off. Not one Hispanic man? Not one African American worker? And the white workers aren't surly, overweight, ridiculously hungover Italian or Irish Americans? I can't even process such a ridiculous thought. Yes it's a horribly racist thought, but it's an accurate one. And I can't overlook such glaring inaccuracies.

7) YOU COULD LEAVE SOMETHING UNATTENDED, AND IT WOULDN'T GET STOLEN

"I'm just as shocked as you are that this shit is still here"

In another important scene our dynamic duo - "J-Mac" and "The Zeus is Loose" - arrive at a park to find another bomb and another riddle. It involves an important (and expensive) looking briefcase and two large empty water jugs left unattended on a fountain. They arrive to find all three pieces left undisturbed. 

In real life, the BEST case scenario would be the swift and immediate theft of all three items. Pretty much whatever guy that set them up would have turned around and turned back to see a horde of thieves fleeing. The more likely scenario is that when our heroes arrived a homeless man would be pissing into one of the jugs and a crack head would be trying to pawn the "microwave-radio" for $6.50.

8) YOU CAN JUST STROLL AROUND YANKEE STADIUM

Normally only the Mets Stadium is this empty. Boom, roasted.

As we near the end of the heist, "Zeus Moose" is sent out on his own to retrieve the final clue in Yankee Stadium. I feel at this point it is important to note the following facts:

- This character is NOT a cop. So he can't just show up and flash a badge to get in.

- This character is bleeding, dirty, shirt torn in half, and (I don't see this, but I've been told) African American.

- There is no game. The stadium is empty save for employees.

Yet somehow, "Zeus-Juice" just saunters right in. He walks himself right up to the home team dugout, and no one says a God damn thing. Umm... Yahhh-NO. There is no way he's let in the stadium. There's no way he's not tackled within three feet of entering. There's definitely no way he just hobbles up to the field without attracting ANY attention. Have you tried to cut into field seats during a blow-out game? There's no way those asshole ushers are letting him that close to a Yankee Stadium billboard, let alone the actual field.

9) THE SAWMILL PARKWAY COULD HOUSE A CAR CHASE

There are only two ways to drive on the Sawmill Parkway. Slowly and cautiously. Yet after escaping the bad guys, again, our heroes "Spruce Bruce" and "Action Jackson" find themselves in a harrowing car chase on one of the worst highways on the planet. In the pouring rain. Yet this is how "Sam-I-am"

is caught driving:

I know, I need to get better at my screenshots.

It may be somewhat (or completely) tough to tell, but he's staring wide-eyed, out the driver side window, while going 60 in a downpour. They could have rolled the credits right then. I don't even put on the radio on that road. No one is surviving such lackluster focus.

Yet still they have - AND SURVIVE - a high speed chase and gun battle. They spin their car 180 degrees, avoid Uzi fire, and manage to take out their enemies.

And they don't even have their lights on!

If this weren't a movie, thousands would be dead. Admittedly only like 100 from the chase itself though. The rest would have committed suicide in their cars from the traffic delays.

10) THE HUDSON RIVER IS COMPRISED OF WATER

This water would be on fire. It would find a way.

HA. HAHA.

After jumping 12 feet from a 40 kiloton explosion (which produces its own mushroom cloud) "Big Mac" and "Ob-Zeus Triangle" find themselves flung into the Hudson River. Do you see the color of the water? The color blue?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is hysterical. At best the Hudson River is the color of raw sewage. It is 94% mud, has the viscosity of tar, and is far more potent a health risk then a 40 Kiloton explosion. They would have popped up for air and been neck deep in floating fish carcasses.

I just hope the fourth movie will be more believable. Whenever they make that.

A Fair and Balanced Analysis of the 2001 Film Hardball

I enjoy - probably a lot more then I should - re-watching older films and TV shows. This is not to say that I'm a "connoisseur" or "devotee" to the better constructions of the mediums. I will (and more aptly, have) re-watched absolute and utter garbage. Couldn't tell you why either. Sometimes it's nostalgia. Sometimes it's to confirm preconceived notions of good and bad storytelling. More often then not its brought on entirely by extreme boredom and having a functional Netflix account.

And for more reasons I can't explain, I'm a particular sucker for baseball movies. I played little league as a kid, but sucked. I enjoyed watching Yankees games, but really only for the accompanying snacks. Yet I've always had an affinity for baseball movies. Of course for classics (Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, The Natural, etc..) but also, for less provocative films in the genre. Lets just say I don't want to say out loud the number of times I've seen Angels in the Outfield. Or Rookie of the Year. Or admit to having enjoyed Mr. 3000. And all three (yes, I said it) of the Major League "movies." I've even gone so far as to watch the trailer for Benchwarmers.

I am not proud of my addiction.

But yesterday - in the throws of said enslavement - I re-watched the 2001 baseball film Hardball. I definitely watched it as a kid, but the only really tangible thing I could remember was the ending. And that it was depressing as all hell. But in the interest of science - and to kill time before the NBA Finals - I decided to revisit the film. And although I wasn't expecting it to really spur any next level thinking, it incited in me a barrage of questions. Questions I feel we'd all be better off from discussing. Oh and SPOILING too, in case you really had planned on seeing this 15 year old movie.

Is this the worst baseball movie ever made?

"Does anyone know what we do next? Anyone?"

Undoubtedly so. The amount of baseball "action" in this movie isn't actually bad. The kids spend a decent amount of time on the field when we're not concerned with Keanu's character making a bet, losing a bet, thinking of making another bet, or changing his mind on a bet. But what makes the movie terrible in terms of baseball content, is two fold:

1) Keanu Reeves teaches them baseball for a grand total of 4 hits into the outfield.
For a movie about a team growing and overcoming life through baseball, the man teaches them nothing. He buys them things - new uniforms, tickets to a major league game, a life changing three pizzas - but he fixes none of their on-field problems. The first time they play no one can catch a ball. Two games later they're unstoppable talents. He is nowhere to be found in that process. Except for helping his pitcher find his "rhythm" (we'll get to it), and....

2) Holy shit that ending.
I'll talk about the twist in a moment, but to win the penultimate game he blatantly cheats. Because it's the right thing to do. AWESOME MESSAGE. And then the final game, for the championship they wanted so bad, is... PICTURES OF THEM HOLDING THE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY. I get that "it's not about that" by the end, but why have them even play then? Why not make the second to last game the championship? It's not a happy ending anyway you slice it. A CHILD JUST DIED.

Is this the worst kids movie ever made?

Well this escalated quickly.

If you read the above sentence, then I think you already know the answer. This was so horrible. Even worse on the second watching. For those who haven't seen it, the movie in part revolves around a precocious nine year old named G-Baby. His older brother is on the team, and he wants to be too. But he's too young to be on the team. So he becomes a secondary coach/mascot, and hangs with Keanu in the dugout. He's great.

Or, he was great. Because after their second to last game, he gets shot. In a drug killing gone wrong. In his brothers arms. HIS 11 YEAR OLD BROTHER'S ARMS. Then we learn about him heroically winning the team the game, at his funeral, as the coach gives a passionate speech about how he changed his life. This was the trailer for the movie:

It has a a DMB song in the background, a record scratch, and two spots involving head injuries. Even though it gets inspirational and "serious" at the end, I don't necessarily equate that with nine year olds dying. Which is like the most heavy-handed way ever to get an already made point across.

Is this the laziest movie ever made?

It's a scientific fact. Pizza = team growth.

Yes. That seems like a pretty big generalization to make, but its 100% accurate. Nothing in this movie is remotely unique or original. Everything is borrowed, bastardized, and boring. I'm absurdly positive this was the pitch meeting. Verbatim.

Producer 1: We need another baseball movie.
Producer 2: How about an updated "Bad News Bears?"
Producer 1: Like a gritty reboot?
Producer 2: Exactly.
Producer 1: But how?
< 30 minutes of silence and hard drugs >
Producer 2: THE KIDS ARE BLACK.
Producer 1: SOMEONE GET ME MY CHECKBOOK.

It's such homogenized bullshit. It's a cinematic Mad Lib of the highest order.

Leading man Keanu Reeves hits hard times because of his drinking and gambling addictions. To fix his gambling problem, he agrees to help teach an inner city baseball program. At first he only coaches to make money, and to win the love of Diane Lane. A schoolteacher, who also loves the kids. Soon, he finds out that his players need him. And that he might need them. In the end he becomes a better person, and the kids win the championship.

Is this the worst Keanu Reeves movie ever made?

"I SHOULD HAVE DONE ANOTHER BILL AND TED!"

Most certainly. And that's saying something for an actor best known for playing men who have little to no discernible emotions. But this is tough to watch. His most intense scene is him beating himself up. He also yells at kids, a car, a woman, and his friend. Does he take all of that back within 2 scenes/30 seconds? Of course he does. Then he fills out the movie with this.

I mean it's grade A ass sitting, but to make this movie even remotely passable, I would have needed more. But, to be honest, even if we Daniel Day Lewis, I don't think I could forgive a film that...

Is the most simplistically racist movie ever?

I'm pretty sure this font is "Ghetto Papyrus." It explains a lot.

A million times over. I'm willing to concede that its not easy to paint a nuanced picture of racial prejudice and inner city life in a 2 hour movie. But this was just a masterclass in BROAD brush strokes. The projects aren't bad, they're Fallujah. In the ten seconds they're on screen we witness a beating, a car fire, and a drug killing. These kids fear for their life every second of the day.

If I'm going to have to buy that, I can't also buy that the kids who come out of said projects would immediately - and with almost no hesitation - trust, support, and follow a drunk white guy who claims to be their new baseball coach. They listen to everything he says, and trust in him so unequivocally that they assuage the fears of every adult around them.

OF A GUY THEY JUST MET A MONTH AGO.

It's just full of insultingly simple white-black dynamics. There's a white teacher who has devoted herself to the education of these kids on every level. The black families are nowhere to be found for these kids yet they have packed stands at their games. Keanu adopts black culture by learning and loving the Notorious B.I.G.

I'm all for racial growth and discussion, but this all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like a white writer wrote a book about hard times in a Chicago ghetto. And a white producer and director cast two famous white actors to tell the story. Ugh.

I need to just stick to The Sandlot.