Love Dies Hard.... With a Vengeance

I have been - and probably always will be - an aficionado of "Action" movies. I consider Lethal Weapon a masterpiece, I have cheered for Arnold Schwarzenegger chasing a motorcycle through a hotel on a horse, and I scream "Kumite" anytime it looks like two people, children, or animals are about to fight/argue.

But if we're being completely honest, the apex of the genre is and will always be Die Hard. It's not just a great action movie, it's a great movie. I hold it in the highest regard and have held a similar affection for its two sequels (AND ONLY TWO SEQUELS, NA-NA-NA I'M NOT LISTENING) Die Harder and Die Hard With A Vengeance.

Like most rational people I for a long time believed that third film of the trilogy - Die Hard With A Vengeance - was the better of the sequels. The plot was more coherent and exciting, the stakes were higher, the villain was more villainous, and Samuel L. Jackson was the sidekick. One of the greatest actors ever was the "sassy partner." How could you NOT love that?

But after living in NYC for a few years now - where the film is set - my opinion of the movie has declined exponentially. A man can only suspend his disbelief so far during a movie about a massive gold heist/bomb plot/intricate cat and mouse game all foiled by a drunk detective and a random citizen over the course of 8 hours.

But no native New Yorker could forgive these errors.

1) A NYC CAB DRIVER STOPPED FOR A PERSON LYING IN THE ROAD.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Towards the beginning of the movie John McClane (Bruce Willis) is tasked with the challenge of spending some time in Harlem wearing a big sign-board which reads "I hate" and the "N-word." That is unless you watch the film on basic cable, in which the sign reads "I hate everyone." Either way this goes predictably bad for John, and it is only after the intervention of Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) that he escapes the ensuing melee. The problem is that during said brawl - with some understandably angry African Americans - John is tossed into the street and a cab stops a mere 30 to 40 inches from his head.

I have never seen, and will never see, a cab driver stop for anything. A NYC cab driver would have swerved recklessly into the rest of the road, or - more likely - run over ANY thing in his path. He would eventually stop, but not until he spotted his next fare. I can understand why the director chose this miscue - as a 17 minute sequel might not garner much critical acclaim - but I can't stand by it. In the real world an Ahkmed (not racist, comedy blog, stop writing hate mail) would be picking out McClane's hair from his rear axle two hours after the accident. All the while cursing the man's stupidity for being in the road in the first place.

2) BALLSY CITIZENS ON PAYPHONES

Side Issue - Gray's Papaya line should be into the crosswalk

New Yorkers - especially in the early Nineties - were tough, no-nonsense, people. I'm not here to argue their vigor or sass, and honestly I find it nice that the filmmakers decided to incorporate it into the movie. But on two separate occasions Sammy and Bruce need to use a payphone that is currently occupied by a New York Citizen. These civilians aren't just reluctant to give up the phone, they're hostile about it. I can understand said aggression if say a man in a business suit asked them to step aside, but this is hardly the case. The first woman is approached by two men, covered in sweat and blood, who are yelling intensely about being police officers. She pretty much tells them to "F*ck Off."

The New York Lotto Jackpot Is -- no, okay, take my wallet!

The second time is an even more glaring misstep. We're down in the subway, in a poorly lit section, under a staircase, with seemingly no one around. And yet a quiet, very white businessman (in an exciting cameo by the New York Lottery Guy) suddenly has the nerve to tell Samuel L. Jackson to "calm down, bro." Samuel L Jackson has one sleeve ripped off, is dripping blood from said exposed arm, and is demanding him to get off the phone. As a New Yorker I can tell you that I would have seen Sam THE MOMENT he walked down the steps. I would have told the other person on the phone that I was about to get raped as soon as he started approaching. And I would have run like a fucking gazelle as soon as he started talking to me. That's just real talk.

3) THEY DRIVE THROUGH CENTRAL PARK AND DON'T KILL 15 PLUS PEOPLE

No lie, if the fair was right I would do this EVERY day.

This one is just absurd. In the heat of trying to make it to their next "riddle" on time "John McCool" drives a speeding taxi cab straight through Central Park. Not across the transverse, not on a road or path, just THROUGH the park. Have you ever been in Central Park? He'd have killed 7 tourists just turning off of 8th Avenue. The front of his car would look like he drove through a petting zoo.

More importantly "Mac-Attack," at the VERY least, has been a New York City resident for seven years at this point. The mere notion that he wouldn't intentionally try to maul innocent tourists and pedestrians is laughable. If I were a cop - on a high stakes mission to stop a large bomb from going off - I'd calculate that there's a 60-70% probability that a minor manslaughter or two would be overlooked or leniently prosecuted. I'd personally start mowing down crowds of citibikes at a 6-7% chance of the same promise. And I've only lived here for four years.

4) AN AMBULANCE CAN NAVIGATE NYC TRAFFIC

There's a 40% chance the driver dies of old age before making it to hospital.

After driving through Central Park "Mac-Daddy" and "Hey-Zeus Christo" hit the road and unfortunately find a massive traffic jam. In a pretty clever move "Mac-Arthur Park" dials 911, processes a fake "officer down" call, and tries to use the ensuing ambulance as a route to escape the vehicular stoppage. That's all well and good, except, NYC cars DO NOT move for ambulances. We really are that selfish and awful. If you're going to ask me to delay my trip 20 - 25 extra seconds or save a human life, the answer is pretty obvious. Adios el victimo! Next time fall ill in a less populated city.

5) ANYONE WOULD LISTEN TO SOMEONE YELLING ON A SUBWAY

Where are these people's headphones?

As the plot thickens, "Bruce Caboose" must thwart a bomb which has been placed at the front of a New York City subway car. As he slowly walks the bomb towards the back of the train he informs (or more so yells for) the passengers to "move towards the front of the train." He mentions that he is an NYC police officer, that he's carrying a bomb, and that people are in great danger. And we're supposed to believe that the people in this subway car believe him? That they flee towards the front of the subway? HA.

There's only one rule for a subway rider: if and when you are being harassed, DO NOT MOVE. Moving is a sign of weakness. It lets the evangelist/meth addict/homeless person/musician know that you are indeed paying attention to them. All that will do is inspire them to ratchet up the craziness. Any true New Yorker keeps their head down, pretends to focus harder on their book/newspaper, and refuses to flinch until the trouble dissipates. To imagine that a subway car of people would bend to the will of one person screaming nonsense about a bomb is ridiculous. I've been threatened with much worse and didn't even take my eyes off my Candy Crush game. In real life he could have fired his gun in the air and 85% percent of people would have stayed seated. At most an old person would have told him to "shut the hell up."

6) AN ALL-WHITE CONSTRUCTION CREW

This seems more like an audition for the Village People than anything.

It may be difficult to discern - as, for some reason it's difficult to get a good screenshot of the background of an unimportant scene in a movie - but what we have pictured here is a construction crew. It's part of an elaborate plan by the main villain to steal all the gold under the Federal Reserve Building while posing as "clean-up crews" for the aforementioned Subway explosion. It's a pretty ingenious plan, to be honest. Except, the ENTIRE construction crew is made up of white guys. Svelt Aryan-Master-Race white guys.

If any New Yorker saw a construction crew with forty men and NO minorities alarms would go off. Not one Hispanic man? Not one African American worker? And the white workers aren't surly, overweight, ridiculously hungover Italian or Irish Americans? I can't even process such a ridiculous thought. Yes it's a horribly racist thought, but it's an accurate one. And I can't overlook such glaring inaccuracies.

7) YOU COULD LEAVE SOMETHING UNATTENDED, AND IT WOULDN'T GET STOLEN

"I'm just as shocked as you are that this shit is still here"

In another important scene our dynamic duo - "J-Mac" and "The Zeus is Loose" - arrive at a park to find another bomb and another riddle. It involves an important (and expensive) looking briefcase and two large empty water jugs left unattended on a fountain. They arrive to find all three pieces left undisturbed. 

In real life, the BEST case scenario would be the swift and immediate theft of all three items. Pretty much whatever guy that set them up would have turned around and turned back to see a horde of thieves fleeing. The more likely scenario is that when our heroes arrived a homeless man would be pissing into one of the jugs and a crack head would be trying to pawn the "microwave-radio" for $6.50.

8) YOU CAN JUST STROLL AROUND YANKEE STADIUM

Normally only the Mets Stadium is this empty. Boom, roasted.

As we near the end of the heist, "Zeus Moose" is sent out on his own to retrieve the final clue in Yankee Stadium. I feel at this point it is important to note the following facts:

- This character is NOT a cop. So he can't just show up and flash a badge to get in.

- This character is bleeding, dirty, shirt torn in half, and (I don't see this, but I've been told) African American.

- There is no game. The stadium is empty save for employees.

Yet somehow, "Zeus-Juice" just saunters right in. He walks himself right up to the home team dugout, and no one says a God damn thing. Umm... Yahhh-NO. There is no way he's let in the stadium. There's no way he's not tackled within three feet of entering. There's definitely no way he just hobbles up to the field without attracting ANY attention. Have you tried to cut into field seats during a blow-out game? There's no way those asshole ushers are letting him that close to a Yankee Stadium billboard, let alone the actual field.

9) THE SAWMILL PARKWAY COULD HOUSE A CAR CHASE

There are only two ways to drive on the Sawmill Parkway. Slowly and cautiously. Yet after escaping the bad guys, again, our heroes "Spruce Bruce" and "Action Jackson" find themselves in a harrowing car chase on one of the worst highways on the planet. In the pouring rain. Yet this is how "Sam-I-am"

is caught driving:

I know, I need to get better at my screenshots.

It may be somewhat (or completely) tough to tell, but he's staring wide-eyed, out the driver side window, while going 60 in a downpour. They could have rolled the credits right then. I don't even put on the radio on that road. No one is surviving such lackluster focus.

Yet still they have - AND SURVIVE - a high speed chase and gun battle. They spin their car 180 degrees, avoid Uzi fire, and manage to take out their enemies.

And they don't even have their lights on!

If this weren't a movie, thousands would be dead. Admittedly only like 100 from the chase itself though. The rest would have committed suicide in their cars from the traffic delays.

10) THE HUDSON RIVER IS COMPRISED OF WATER

This water would be on fire. It would find a way.

HA. HAHA.

After jumping 12 feet from a 40 kiloton explosion (which produces its own mushroom cloud) "Big Mac" and "Ob-Zeus Triangle" find themselves flung into the Hudson River. Do you see the color of the water? The color blue?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is hysterical. At best the Hudson River is the color of raw sewage. It is 94% mud, has the viscosity of tar, and is far more potent a health risk then a 40 Kiloton explosion. They would have popped up for air and been neck deep in floating fish carcasses.

I just hope the fourth movie will be more believable. Whenever they make that.

Six Thoughts On Game Six

I know. If there's one thing we were all hoping for it was a Warriors win and an end to these "attempts" at a sports post. But, tradition is tradition. What kind of sports journalist would I be if I abandoned a promise I randomly made after the fifth game of a seven game series? Definitely not the journalist I set out to be, three days ago, as I slowly tried to recover from a hangover. Let's get to it!

1) THEY TOOK MY IDEA!

Let's get right to the important stuff people. During the last of my only other sports column I made a decidedly angry point about branded announcers and commentators. The short version: I don't appreciate how these guys are all assigned to (and owned by) various networks. Especially because I think the ABC staff is a bit tame for my taste and lacks the pizazz/showmanship/absurdist comedy of say the " The NBA On TNT" crew. And then look what happens during the very next game:

That's right. Team ABC gets a loan from TNT/ESPN and gets Craig Sager to be a part of the broadcast. A few thoughts here on this GREAT idea. First, thank you to Craig for giving credit where credit is due. You can clearly see him mouth "Thank you Andrew, my hero" in the above video. That helps Craig, it really does. Especially as ABC didn't even bother to give me a throwaway "attaboy." Secondly, if you didn't support my idea for "Free Agent" announcers for new blood and excitement, you should support it for this. Despite dressing like a couch fabric pattern in an early SIMS game, the man is a legend. The fact that he can go thirty years - at the top of his field - without ever getting to announce a Finals game is ludicrous. It should be about who makes the game better, or deserves to be there. Not about whose contract is owned by which network.

2) Iman Shumpert's Hair Is Next Level Bonkers

As a New York Knicks fan - or as we call ourselves during most seasons, "mourner" - I've been well acquainted with the hair stylings of Iman Shumpert for quite some time. As a baseline, this is what you should normally expect:

That's one hell of a flat top. It's not really "absurd" in any way, unless of course he doesn't impersonate the lead characters from House Party 1,2, or 3, in his spare time. When he's been in the playoffs before he has added a touch of razzle-dazzle. He's carved in lightning bolts on the side, and once he subbed the "flat" top for a " "half-slanted debacle of a" top. Still, this year's hair takes the cake.

I sat through most of this haircut thinking it was just a slightly off-kilter "man bun." That's not a great style either, but it's not a completely unique entity. This thing is. If you look closely, it's really just a tuft of long hair, pulled from some weird off-center patch of hair he intently left for this sole purpose. I ask "why?" And also, "why?" He looks like a poorly groomed poodle. I love it.

3) Tristan Thompson is Worth Every Penny

In the off-season there was a big debate about the Cavs re-signing Tristan Thompson. He's a great young player, a workhorse, and a dependable double-double machine. Still, he lacks a really developed offensive game. He's a great rebounder (especially on the offensive end), but wanted to be paid like a two way star. The Cavs - with a ton of support from Lebron - ended up hammering out a costly deal to keep him. Last night he proved that investment was worth every freaking cent.

That wasn't just a one-off play either. He hustled all night, had some great rebounds and dunks, and made the Warriors pay when they left him unguarded in the paint. He will be the difference in Game 7. If he plays like that - and with Bogut now out - the Warriors don't have an answer for him. That's huge when Golden State really owns the better half of almost every other match up out there.

4)  Steph Curry - Angry Tyke

Is it just me, or are announcer jinxes the best thing on the planet? Steph got two early fouls last night and, sadly, it changed the entire complexion of the game. He didn't get to play much of the first half, probably cost his team at least a chance to cut into the Cavs lead, and with him on the bench things were just a little less interesting. When he came back in the third and notched another quick foul, all the announcers could talk about was how he had NEVER fouled out of a professional basketball game. That of course led to this:

I'm a little bummed that it didn't degrade into a full scale meltdown - because him missing game 7 on a double technical would have been a ridiculous story line - but I love what we were given. Especially the mouth guard throw. You don't really get it from this angle, but... oh, screw it. What's one more video?

I mean that toss - and ensuing super manly recoil - is glorious. I just loved the whole scene. Nothing makes me happier then chaos.

5) Lebron and the MVP dilemma

I guess I should come clean a bit here before this one. I'm a sucker for Lebron. I'm well aware of all of his faults and disappointing performances over the years, but he's still one of the best to play the game. And I believe he's done it under more pressure and scrutiny then any of the other greats. Honestly, can you come up with another player so highly praised out of high school that delivered this well on the promises? I can't. And I know at least three to four other athletes by name.

So I believe that Lebron should have won MVP last year in the finals. I understand how MVP has become synomous with being on the winning side, but I don't think it should be that way. His stats were a stratosphere above Iguodala, and he single handedly took that series from a Warriors sweep to a competitive six game series. If the Warriors win this year - and if Lebron plays in line with his stats so far this series - I think he deserves it again. I mean, look at the numbers:

King James, indeed. pic.twitter.com/A3o4c9KZFf

— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) June 17, 2016

The man is first (or tied for first) in every major stat. ON BOTH TEAMS. If he doesn't deserve the MVP, then who does? Is it just a race between whichever Splash Brother puts up the most points in Game 7? Isn't "because it has to go to somebody on the Warriors" a horrible argument for MVP?

6) Great Story Lines

Say what you will about the results of Game 6 or the series so far, but Game 7 is going to have some of the best story lines ever. Can the Warriors hold off the Cavs and win back to back championships? Can the Cavs avenge last season's loss? Can they become the first ever team to come back from a 3-1 deficit in the finals? Can Steph rebound from his foul woes in game 6? Will Kevin Love prove his doubters wrong, or right? Will Lebron be able to meet the pressure one more time or collapse under its weight?

This is what playoff basketball is all about. An absurd amount of pressure, a ridiculous multitude of legacies on the line, all confined to one 48 minute game. I don't know of anything so miraculous and wonderful. It's certainly the only thing out there that could make me cancel a Father's Day dinner, and postpone GOT episode 9 by like 3 hours. That's saying A LOT.

7) BONUS ROUND

Seven things to watch for in Game Seven:
- Andre Iguodala''s back injury. If Iggy can't play at 60% or above, that's catastrophic for the Warriors.
- Draymond Green didn't even nudge one "bait and tackle set" last night. I assume he feared the eyes of road refs. Back at Oracle the gloves will be off. The dick punching gloves, of course.
- Lebron James under pressure. Win or Lose, he will face the most individual scrutiny BY FAR. He knows it too. How will he handle that?
- Iguodala's back injury. Seriously guys, this is a huge deal. Can he play, and play well?
- Anderson Varejao's flopping masterclass continues. Word on the street, he's going to try and take a charge from a ref this game.
- How aggressive will Curry be? And I of course mean Ayesha Curry. I think she's going to shiv a ref, no joke.
- IGGY'S FREAKING BACK. WE DON'T NEED TO BE TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

Safe Summer PSA

You know for a long while I was the typical Central Park Runner. I was out there 2-3 times a week, thought I was better then everyone else, and hated every ass-clown on two wheels. They never seemed to follow the rules of the road, were way too fast in crowded areas, and were an absolute nuisance.

Then I injured my leg and have been pretty much just biking for the last 6 months. I now know that runners are total butt-pirates. They never heed the signs of the road, don't account for anyone or anything more then 3 feet away from them, and are an absolute nuisance.

I thought a lot about this dichotomy as an argument raged in my head. Whose really worse? And what could bring us together?

I thought it best to write it down.

Five Thoughts On Game Five

And we're now off the beaten path.

I very rarely write about sports. It's not that I'm not passionate about them, I am. I've woken up at 4 AM to watch Australian Open matches. I've worn face paint and screamed my throat sore at a football game. I'm the proud owner of a single Latrell Sprewell and Patrick Ewing sock (lets be honest, more then one of either is a waste of money).

I avoid sports writing because no matter what it pisses 95% of readers off. Or more accurately, makes people irrationally lose their shit. You pick the wrong sport (like admitting to love tennis) - people lose their shit. You praise the wrong team or player - shit is lost. You praise the RIGHT team or player in the WRONG way - shit cannot be found. You make abstract connections or comparisons, incorporate too many stats, not enough stats, personal anecdotes, future predictions, past correlations, or anything that would normally be a sound method of analysis - BYE BYE POOP.

But this blog has all been about new things for me. And with there potentially - AT MAX - being only two more games in the NBA season, it seems like a perfect time to try my hand at "basketball blogging." Or as I'll call my future column: "The Hard-Wood Hard-On."

1) Kyrie Irving is a Basketball Assassin.

There were a bunch of big takeaways from last night's game. The Cavs proved they could win a game at Oracle Arena when it mattered most. Andrew Bogut showed us that you can writhe on the floor for twenty minutes before anyone will help you. Mo Williams proved that he is still in the NBA. But the biggest takeaway from the night was that Kyrie Irving is one of the most ridiculous offensive weapons the NBA has ever seen.

Exhibit A: The "Fuck It, This Is Going In"


This is not even the video I was looking for. I think the most ridiculous play of the night was with 7:30 left in the fourth quarter; the Warriors - as always - poised to play catch up. Irving drove, did about a 720 spin move into Klay Thompson, got the bucket, the foul, and killed Golden States' potential for momentum. He just kept doing that. DAGGERS. Off the backboard, or from three, or after nearly falling down on the court. He could not miss.

It's a performance that will probably be forgotten if/when the Cavaliers lose, but should not be. I don't care how great Lebron played, Kyrie won his team this game. Sincerely believe that. If he's not there Lebron has a forgettable fourth, and the Warriors take home another championship. He's - at least - delayed that.

2) Draymond Green is Lebrontinite (Lebron Kryptonite)

Last night we finally got a peak at Angry Lebron. It's that absurd vicious killer version he only seems to whip out on special occasions (See: Heat V. Celtics Game 6) that refuses to be denied. It's the first time we've seen it in the finals, and I truly believe it only happened because Draymond Green was off the floor.

We make a big deal that Lebron can enter this cheat mode whenever he wants, but there's a reason its not the norm. He needs to generate points at the rim, impose his physicality, and get the other team to ease a few steps back on his jumper. None of that happens with Green on the floor. Green can handle him at the rim, denies his penetration, and makes him work for every point. And on top of that, he just gets under his skin. Whatever it is - my bet is the constant fear of groin kicking - it takes Lebron off his game. He can't get the points he wants, he can't generate momentum, and you can see him FEEL the moment slip away. It's pretty dope/horrible depending on your allegiances.

3) Steph Curry is Starting To Annoy Me

Steph Curry is a really great basketball player. I don't think anyone could rightly argue otherwise. He also seems like a fun, cool guy. I don't even want to make fun of the pubes he glues in and around his mouth as an attempt at a goatee. And that's saying A LOT. But it's funny to me that he's - again - been pretty absent in these NBA finals. I know his presence allows Golden States' other players the freedom to shoot better shots, and I'm aware he had a 38 point game just 4 days ago, but are we not going to hold him to higher standards?

I just think it's odd that we're not really talking about his shortcomings in the sports media realm. When Lebron has an off night - when he misses shots, or can't lead his team to victory down the stretch - it always seems like the blame falls hardest on him. Yet when Steph - a two time MVP now - is largely absent from the second half of the game, we don't hear anything about it. It's all about Kyrie and Lebron's greatness, or Draymond not playing. The guy went 8 for 21 with 4 turnovers. He missed a bunch of key shots and it really seemed like this was Klay's team the whole night. Even if they do win the championship, is he the guy who gets the MVP? Does it fall to him just out of a lack of candidates? Why aren't we tearing this debate apart? Maybe because...

4) These Narrative Changes Suck Balls

This is another reason I hate writing about sports - especially in a "series" type of event. The media gets hung up on something it can analyze and track during every game. And between games. And in the lead up to more games. 9 out of 10 times it's all proved an asinine anomaly by the next game. I know that's the unfortunate nature of the beast, but good Lord that's annoying.

Do you guys remember how Channing Frye was the greatest in-season acquisition of all time? How his 3-point shot was unstoppable? He's had two points the entire series. How about how Durant and Westbrook were demolishing the Warriors? Then lost the series. Or how Cleveland was going to sweep Toronto, lost two games and was suddenly going to lose the series, then won two more to handle business? Here are the only three plot lines you need to follow for this series:

a) Cleveland and Golden State really want to win a title.

b) The game they play is basketball.

c) Draymond Green wants to destroy all penises.

That's all that matters every game. My only possible addition would be d) Paul Pierce is not a thing. Stop trying to make him a thing.

5) I Hate How Announcers Are Branded

Speaking of announcer difficulties... I hate how correspondents, anchors, and commentators are all the property of a certain specific network. Mainly because the ABC team is just generic and boring. I'm a homer for Van Gundy - because he frequently decides to just not give a crap - and Jalen Rose is always fun to listen to. But good God the rest of this team puts me to bed. Mark Jackson sounds like he's four Ambien deep every night, and I don't know if Mike Breen has seen a basketball game before. I think if they'd let him he'd defer questions to members of the crowd.

I miss Kenny, Shaq, Charles, and even Reggie. They're not the best announcers - for technique and such other important "things" - but they're fun and exciting. I think all announcers should be "free agents," and they should be selected for each individual game. You could pick fun announcers, good announcers, or relevant announcers. I kind of would love to hear what former Warriors Star Latrell Sprewell thinks about the team now. Or lets cut all sense of reasonable decision making and get Steph Marbury. I want to hear what he thinks about EVERYTHING. Why are we limited in our choices? Can we not do better?

6) BONUS ROUND

Six things to watch for in Game Six:
- Draymond Green returns, so put away them groins.
- Richard Jefferson is playing like he just left the Nets yesterday, and wants to prove it wasn't his fault they sucked. If that keeps up the Cavs could win it all.
- Anderson Varejao will attempt his greatest feat, flopping to crowd noise.
- Tyronn Lue will try out a new coaching technique. It's called coaching.
- Steph Curry's mouth guard will finally escape, and seek revenge.
- Mike Breen will confuse Tristan and Klay Thompson 325 times in 48 minutes of basketball.

Cooking With Glass

Not much to say on this one. An idea I had for a product/cooking technique that I think could sweep the nation. Or at least give Guy Fieri another show.

Enjoy,

A Fair and Balanced Analysis of the 2001 Film Hardball

I enjoy - probably a lot more then I should - re-watching older films and TV shows. This is not to say that I'm a "connoisseur" or "devotee" to the better constructions of the mediums. I will (and more aptly, have) re-watched absolute and utter garbage. Couldn't tell you why either. Sometimes it's nostalgia. Sometimes it's to confirm preconceived notions of good and bad storytelling. More often then not its brought on entirely by extreme boredom and having a functional Netflix account.

And for more reasons I can't explain, I'm a particular sucker for baseball movies. I played little league as a kid, but sucked. I enjoyed watching Yankees games, but really only for the accompanying snacks. Yet I've always had an affinity for baseball movies. Of course for classics (Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, The Natural, etc..) but also, for less provocative films in the genre. Lets just say I don't want to say out loud the number of times I've seen Angels in the Outfield. Or Rookie of the Year. Or admit to having enjoyed Mr. 3000. And all three (yes, I said it) of the Major League "movies." I've even gone so far as to watch the trailer for Benchwarmers.

I am not proud of my addiction.

But yesterday - in the throws of said enslavement - I re-watched the 2001 baseball film Hardball. I definitely watched it as a kid, but the only really tangible thing I could remember was the ending. And that it was depressing as all hell. But in the interest of science - and to kill time before the NBA Finals - I decided to revisit the film. And although I wasn't expecting it to really spur any next level thinking, it incited in me a barrage of questions. Questions I feel we'd all be better off from discussing. Oh and SPOILING too, in case you really had planned on seeing this 15 year old movie.

Is this the worst baseball movie ever made?

"Does anyone know what we do next? Anyone?"

Undoubtedly so. The amount of baseball "action" in this movie isn't actually bad. The kids spend a decent amount of time on the field when we're not concerned with Keanu's character making a bet, losing a bet, thinking of making another bet, or changing his mind on a bet. But what makes the movie terrible in terms of baseball content, is two fold:

1) Keanu Reeves teaches them baseball for a grand total of 4 hits into the outfield.
For a movie about a team growing and overcoming life through baseball, the man teaches them nothing. He buys them things - new uniforms, tickets to a major league game, a life changing three pizzas - but he fixes none of their on-field problems. The first time they play no one can catch a ball. Two games later they're unstoppable talents. He is nowhere to be found in that process. Except for helping his pitcher find his "rhythm" (we'll get to it), and....

2) Holy shit that ending.
I'll talk about the twist in a moment, but to win the penultimate game he blatantly cheats. Because it's the right thing to do. AWESOME MESSAGE. And then the final game, for the championship they wanted so bad, is... PICTURES OF THEM HOLDING THE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY. I get that "it's not about that" by the end, but why have them even play then? Why not make the second to last game the championship? It's not a happy ending anyway you slice it. A CHILD JUST DIED.

Is this the worst kids movie ever made?

Well this escalated quickly.

If you read the above sentence, then I think you already know the answer. This was so horrible. Even worse on the second watching. For those who haven't seen it, the movie in part revolves around a precocious nine year old named G-Baby. His older brother is on the team, and he wants to be too. But he's too young to be on the team. So he becomes a secondary coach/mascot, and hangs with Keanu in the dugout. He's great.

Or, he was great. Because after their second to last game, he gets shot. In a drug killing gone wrong. In his brothers arms. HIS 11 YEAR OLD BROTHER'S ARMS. Then we learn about him heroically winning the team the game, at his funeral, as the coach gives a passionate speech about how he changed his life. This was the trailer for the movie:

It has a a DMB song in the background, a record scratch, and two spots involving head injuries. Even though it gets inspirational and "serious" at the end, I don't necessarily equate that with nine year olds dying. Which is like the most heavy-handed way ever to get an already made point across.

Is this the laziest movie ever made?

It's a scientific fact. Pizza = team growth.

Yes. That seems like a pretty big generalization to make, but its 100% accurate. Nothing in this movie is remotely unique or original. Everything is borrowed, bastardized, and boring. I'm absurdly positive this was the pitch meeting. Verbatim.

Producer 1: We need another baseball movie.
Producer 2: How about an updated "Bad News Bears?"
Producer 1: Like a gritty reboot?
Producer 2: Exactly.
Producer 1: But how?
< 30 minutes of silence and hard drugs >
Producer 2: THE KIDS ARE BLACK.
Producer 1: SOMEONE GET ME MY CHECKBOOK.

It's such homogenized bullshit. It's a cinematic Mad Lib of the highest order.

Leading man Keanu Reeves hits hard times because of his drinking and gambling addictions. To fix his gambling problem, he agrees to help teach an inner city baseball program. At first he only coaches to make money, and to win the love of Diane Lane. A schoolteacher, who also loves the kids. Soon, he finds out that his players need him. And that he might need them. In the end he becomes a better person, and the kids win the championship.

Is this the worst Keanu Reeves movie ever made?

"I SHOULD HAVE DONE ANOTHER BILL AND TED!"

Most certainly. And that's saying something for an actor best known for playing men who have little to no discernible emotions. But this is tough to watch. His most intense scene is him beating himself up. He also yells at kids, a car, a woman, and his friend. Does he take all of that back within 2 scenes/30 seconds? Of course he does. Then he fills out the movie with this.

I mean it's grade A ass sitting, but to make this movie even remotely passable, I would have needed more. But, to be honest, even if we Daniel Day Lewis, I don't think I could forgive a film that...

Is the most simplistically racist movie ever?

I'm pretty sure this font is "Ghetto Papyrus." It explains a lot.

A million times over. I'm willing to concede that its not easy to paint a nuanced picture of racial prejudice and inner city life in a 2 hour movie. But this was just a masterclass in BROAD brush strokes. The projects aren't bad, they're Fallujah. In the ten seconds they're on screen we witness a beating, a car fire, and a drug killing. These kids fear for their life every second of the day.

If I'm going to have to buy that, I can't also buy that the kids who come out of said projects would immediately - and with almost no hesitation - trust, support, and follow a drunk white guy who claims to be their new baseball coach. They listen to everything he says, and trust in him so unequivocally that they assuage the fears of every adult around them.

OF A GUY THEY JUST MET A MONTH AGO.

It's just full of insultingly simple white-black dynamics. There's a white teacher who has devoted herself to the education of these kids on every level. The black families are nowhere to be found for these kids yet they have packed stands at their games. Keanu adopts black culture by learning and loving the Notorious B.I.G.

I'm all for racial growth and discussion, but this all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like a white writer wrote a book about hard times in a Chicago ghetto. And a white producer and director cast two famous white actors to tell the story. Ugh.

I need to just stick to The Sandlot.

Law and Order - Nebraska

First things first, I apologize for the week long absence. I spent a good amount of time working on some freelance - non blog stuff - have had some sweet computer problems, and also got drunk and played outside. Doesn't feel fair to blame it entirely on that, but I'm going to anyway. Because I owe you heathens amazing friends and supporters nothing less talky more writey.

And I promise to be more on my game this week.

As for today's piece - I think it's more then just an attempt to improve my comedic writing. I think it's a real world - no bull shit - look at the police force in middle America. And I think those people deserve to have a voice. And since there might be a paycheck in it, it should be my voice.

Enjoy.