Signing Up For Helping Out

Homelessness. It's a problem that affects millions each year.

And of course I'm talking about the people who have to interact with the homeless. It's tough. I mean, I consider myself a pretty moral and caring person. But every single day I have to stare a homeless person in the eyes intently at the blank screen on my phone while a homeless person passes. Knowing full well that I could help, but don't.

And why not? Because if I gave to every needy or disadvantaged citizen I encountered, I'd be starving myself. They're everywhere. And all deserving of care and support.

So in an effort to help those who really need it - my conscience and troubled soul - I've decided to offer a few sign ideas for gathering meaningful donations. In this day and age you really need to capture a citizen's heart and mind before you can tap into their wallet. And I believe I've done that here. So, to any homeless people out there reading this, I offer these free of charge.

And I wish you luck.

To The Patriarch Of The Family Next To Me In The Park

     Actually, I should be a lot less specific. Perhaps matriarch? Or maybe, leader? I'm not even sure if you're a family or not. A group? Some sort of collective, conglomerate, or cult? All I know for sure is that you're an assemblage of people, blankets, and noise. One which extends from about 3.5 feet into the main path to about 75 feet into the nicest, sunniest, flattest part of the grass.
     And to be fair, I'm just limiting this idea of scope to your most recognizable central mass. There are a lot of things and people which - although seemingly possessed by you - float discarded off the edges of your territory. There are of course cups, plates, napkins and cans that - although they most assuredly belong to you - have been forgotten after the wind moved them off of your blankets.
     But I more so refer to the toys, balls, lawn games and razor scooters that mire the ground near your eastern perimeter. If considered part of your camp, they'd most definitely increase the boundaries of said border by at least another 20 feet. But you seem to have no knowledge of them; keen to let pedestrians and passerbys trip and stumble over their sharpest edges. That is of course unless another young child approaches (or in a most terrible scenario, touches) them, in which case your group yells and screams at the savage and unsupervised hoodlum. As would any humane person.
     That is not to say that I view the children in your party in any such manner. Of course not. Although they do not seem to be watched or cared for in any sort of identifiable manner, I know they do not escape your watchful gaze. I know that when they unapologetically toss a football into a nearby family, or recklessly race their bikes down the most crowded walkways, they do so under your "contact-less supervision." Under a highly pragmatic and reasonable style of parenting that just appears "Laissez Faire" to the un-trained eye. I assume you learned it from the elders in your group?
     I guess I also assume those elders are in your group? They seem to be orbiting around your party, and I get a distinct twinge of familial connection. Still, the fact that only strangers are attending to the one who fell down near the bathroom could throw this theory into doubt. I can't imagine you'd be so inattentive. I mean nothing like the careless dog owners between my party and yours. Those owners who have felt it sufficient to tie their dogs to a nearby tree; their canine compatriots still able to roam, bark, and bite within the circumference of their leashes. They're just pooping and chasing with no restriction or oversight.
     At least you're nothing like those -- oh, wait. Now you're throwing bits of cold-cut chicken in their general direction.
     I digress. I've gotten very far off the proverbial tracks here.
     My reason for writing is that some time ago one of your relatives (or co-workers, or commune brethren) observed one of my friends using the bottle opener which we had brought to our picnic. Stomping over (and onto) our blanket they humbly asked if they could borrow it for a minute. Thinking nothing of such a small and civil request, we of course obliged.
     I would say that was maybe four to six hours ago. I'm not 100 percent sure of the time - as I did not look at my watch when the transaction took place - but I am fairly confident that it has been an appreciable bit of time. At least enough for you to build up a small collection of bottles on the ground near your southern fringes. You know, right over there, perhaps 2 to 3 feet from the clearly labeled trash and recycling receptacles.
     It's not that I counted or anything, but at my best estimate it appears you've opened - and discarded - 22 craft beer bottles (from various breweries on the Western seaboard), 85 bottles of half drunken Perrier, and a good number of singularly unique juice bottles. Who knew that aloe and white grape was a commonly found beverage? Or that wheat grass, honeysuckle, and rose-water could even be imbibed.
     I don't mean be to be a pest, but it's just that in said time, my party-mates and I have been unable to drink anything which we brought to our little "day in the sun." We've tried to respectfully request the item back on several occasions, but have been met with various dilemmas. Some members of your gathering have told us "it wasn't ours," "they'd bring it back in a second," or that "they lost it." A few more have ignored us outright, or told us to go "screw ourselves."
     As that seems like a horribly inappropriate way to resolve this situation, we would instead kindly ask that you return our bottle opener at your earliest convenience. We thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Andrew Slafta

P.S. It turns out that in the time it took me to transcribe this note, you have left the confines of the park. I tried sorting through your refuse for clues as to your future whereabouts, but was succumbed by exhaustion about two-thirds into pile four. That would be the easterly most cluster, about seven feet from the small fire which erupted from your improperly disposed charcoal.

P.P.S. In a most fortuitous moment, I was lucky enough to run into a small child on a bicycle you left behind. They assured me that this is a frequent occurrence, and in 3 to 4 hours when you realize this small (but wholly understandable) error she will pass along said note. For fear she'd forget it, I also wrote my address in Sharpie on her calf. It's right above the large scrape she believes you will be blaming on me. Thank you again for your timely response.

The Keys To Victory

This one has been marinating in the old "idea-skillet" for a while now. I am distinctly aware that it pushes some buttons and boundaries, but I purposefully left in a lot of the more "tasteless" content. I feel it added an extra spark of absurdity, and also editing is A LOT easier then completely re-writing.

Sorry if it offends, but I promised two things when I started this. To remain honest, and to do my best to inspire constructive and meaningful dialogue. Those ideals are the backbone of the blogger oath. And even though it was signed in Cheetoh Dust on a pair of my pajamas, it means a lot to me.

Enjoy! (hopefully)

Selling The Goods: Ideas On How To Reinvigorate My Résumé

Your résumé. That single piece of paper that is somehow supposed to convey who you are as an employee AND a person. Most of the time my issue is how to narrow things down. I don't understand how I'm supposed to talk about working at Eastern Mountain Sports for over a decade without mentioning my lack of attempted homicides. Or, how one time I hit a customer with a hacky-sack but was able to duck behind a clothing rack in time. These are important points of reference.

But, after some help from a few friends, I recently was able to trim the fat on mine. And you know, what? It's awful. There's no spark of humanity, no "essence of Slafta." How are stripped down dates, times, and locations supposed to convey me? How is a boring platitude about my managerial strategies and talents supposed to tell you about my deep conviction to service and success? Or how sweet my pecs look after like twenty push-ups.

I have a few ideas on how to improve things, but I'm willing to admit that I may need to pare the selection down a few. Unless, I just cut off my work history and submit this instead? Good idea? Great Idea? Possibly just an idea? Let me know what you think.

Physical Abilities and  Special Talents

- Once held my pee so long that I legitimately thought I had broken my penis.

- Have two signature dance moves. The "sitting down with no eye contact," and the "ah, nah, I'm good."

- From approximately 1995 to 2002 I trained extensively in the art of Nerf to Nerf Combat (N2NC). Gained highest marks for proficiency on the Ballzooka, Nerf SuperMAXX 3000, and Electric Eel models.

- Ability to sleep like a decomposing Egyptian Pharoah.

- Have retained lyrical knowledge of Crazy Town's 1999 smash hit "Butterfly."

Computer and Social Media Skills

- Although I have never completed the entire route without succumbing to Cholera, I have successfully forded several dozen rivers and hunted over 20 tons of Buffalo and Bear meat along the Oregon Trail.

- Able to watch 2-3 daily hours of "Tasty Videos;" still weigh under 300 pounds.

- Have received universal acclaim and praise for my ability to create Picasso-like works of art with only the square, circle, and paint bucket tools on Microsoft Paint.

- Am able to remember 60% - 75% of computer passwords on the first try; 75% - 85% without resetting or using a different service entirely.

- High levels of competency in viewing pornographic material without detection or accusation.

Charity and Social Justice Activities

- Am a frequent donor to the "Sisterhood of the Saint Scratch Off," registering maximum allowable donations from 2008-2010.

- Have limited fart emissions in the vicinity of attractive girls since 1997.

- Continually harass prominent reality show participants and "past their prime" athletes on various social media platforms. Unconfirmed reports that I once made Nicole Richie cry.

- Been friends with over two vegans since 2013, and have yet to be convicted for assault.

- Am the sole manager and director of all top level kitchen cabinets in my parents house since 2001.

From The Vault: Salesmanship

For the most part I've been trying to keep everything on this site new and fresh. I mean the humor may be - and probably is - old and stale, but the content has been of a recent and current nature.

There are a few things, however, that I feel a need to resurrect and re-issue on this newest iteration of the "Slafta Blogging Chronicles." From now on anything labeled "From The Vault" is a script, post, or idea that has been existing in the old "mind-bucket" for some time already.

Our first entry is a sketch I wrote a long time ago, and re-wrote and edited today. So yes, it was at one point "worse" then it is right now. I know, I am also ashamed. There's a bit of truth and personal connection here, so go easy on me. For I have laid my soul bare. Enjoy!

While My Guitar FUCKING ALL OUT WEEPS

2016 - at present not even half way over - has been a horrific year for musicians. We lost Bowie. We lost Prince. We found Bieber again, unfortunately, not at the bottom of a casket. With the news that Anthony Kiedis is in the hospital, this seemed like an apropos time to evaluate my most meaningful musicians. Those Rockers/non-dancing Rockettes that - if they passed - would leave an excruciatingly large hole in my life. Because that's fun to think about on a Monday afternoon!

My rankings are based on both cultural impact AND my own personal sentiments. So undoubtedly, you're not going to agree with two-thirds of this. But, coincidentally, I could give two-thirds of a fuck. Because I'm cool as a cucumber, Hepcat.

And I'm also sorry for cursing. This whole thing has me on edge.

The Caveats:

The "Survivable Calamity"

Members: Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen
Of course I'm going to be supremely upset if and when any of these guys pass away. But lets be honest here. Dylan is 74, Stevie is 66, McCartney is 73. These guys have lived two to three rocker lifetimes already. Any extra music we get from this point on is a bonus.

The "Twit-Tastrophes"

Members: Madonna, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Adele, Any Artist Born After 1990
If these rankings were based solely on "public reaction," these guys would be right up there. Some I do genuinely appreciate. I think early Madonna rocks. I think Kanye is a lyrical genius, a tremendous innovator, and a rap pioneer. I think One Direction is a thing, I honestly do not know. If any of them passed away, I'd lament - not weep. I'd let the inevitable "Great Social Media Collapse of 2016" handle that.

The "And The Band Probably Played On"

Members: Arcade Fire, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Remains of U2, The Black Keys
If we lost any given member of these bands, a definite tragedy. But unless we lose the entire group, I have the distinct premonition that the their musical legacy will live on. If we lost one half of the Black Keys, I'd have to Wikipedia them to see which one is which. If we lost Bono, I know The Edge would call the Filipino guy who fronted Journey. And if we lost Arcade Fire, well, there must have been some type of nuclear attack. That band has 400,000 active members. Whose taking all of them out?

The "Whose Cutting Onions In Here? Why Are My Eyes So Red?!"

Members: Jack White, Ben Folds, Slug (of Atmosphere)
Now we're starting to get to the tough choices. Hooray? I'd be - medically speaking - pretty gosh darn butt hurt if any of these guys past away. Jack White is a probably one of the most talented musicians of (or co-opted by) my generation. I've been a fan of Ben Folds since I was a kid, even when I assumed "Brick" was a song about the crumbling infrastructure of America. I have more Atmosphere B-sides and seasonal EPs then I can count. And I think that's part of the problem. If we lose anyone in this category, I know I have a decade plus of music to fall back onto.

The "Ugh I'm Going To Regret Not Having These People On The List" List

Taylor Swift

Cause Of Death: Horrible Treadmill Accident
If you don't legitimately appreciate "Shake It Off" or another one or two of her songs, you're honestly not human. If she passed, the internet "shock-splosion" (TM pending) would be off the charts. Main thing keeping her off the list is her age. Her library isn't that expansive. Especially if you take away "break-up" related songs. You can't make the list on four tunes, sorry.

Q-Tip

Cause Of Death: Exhaustion (Via Another Twitter Rant At Iggy Azalea)
Q-Tip could (and maybe should) be up with the likes of Jack White and Ben Folds. But I have him closer to the main list for two reasons. 1) The man's flow is still ridiculous. Yes he's been quiet on the music front of late, but I believe he's got two or three solid records left in him. He's going to be Hip Hop's most talented elder statesman. Just listen to his main verse on Busta Rhyme's "Thank You." 2) That Phife Dawg loss is still hitting close to home. And if I - and the general public - miss Phife that much, we're gonna lose our shit when Q-Tip goes.

Dave Grohl

Cause Of Death: Decapitation (From Rocking Too Fucking Hard)
I haven't been the biggest fan of the Foo Fighters for a while, but the respect is still there. Grohl has an ABSURD body of work - even without considering Nirvana - and is still destroying shows. His energy and intensity is unmatched. Even on one leg. He misses the list by the slightest of margins, but he has my total appreciation and admiration. And he can have me as a son/student/best friend if he desires. Just make the call Dave.

The One's I'll Buy A Flag For, And Put It At Half Mast:

10) Hozier

Cause Of Death: Alcohol Poisoning (He's Irish, I'm Just Playing The Odds)
This one is a bit of a gamble. If we're being honest with ourselves here, Hozier only has one album and a handful of good songs. But I truly believe that the kid is destined for great things. He's got song writing ability, he's young, and has a voice that makes you hate your own voice just a little bit more. If we lost him, it would be tough. I'd ponder the frail nature of human existence, and the potentially great career we lost out on. And then I'd listened to his music. And REALLY start to get bummed out.

9) Sufjan Stevens

Cause Of Death: Elliott Smith Disorder (A Bummer Of A Suicide)
On body of work alone, Sufjan maybe shouldn't be down here. If he goes, I still have enough of his music to keep me "pleasantly melancholic" for quite some time. But Sufjan is a visionary. He's capable of producing relatable and simple ballads ("To Be Alone With You," "Chicago," most of Carrie and Lowell), or he can churn out an entire symphonic piece on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway (The aptly named BQE). Yes, I too wish I was kidding. Either way you slice it though, the man produces great work and inspires others. If he goes, we'll be missing out on a lot of good music, collaboration, and artistic development.

8) Mark Ronson

Cause Of Death: Sax Related Aneurysm (Brought Upon By A Case Of The "Uptown Funk")
I love Mark Ronson. And not just recent producer/director Mark Ronson. I liked him back before it was cool. Back when "Ronsonians" (as we were known on the streets) we're constantly accosted for liking someone so different and edgy. Way back in like 2008/2009. I know his success really depends greatly on re-mastering and improving other artists, but the man can compose a fucking catchy tune. 2007's Visions was a great album ("Just" and "Toxic" being two all-time favorites), and he's consistently been behind some of the best singles and remixes since then. He's a collaborative genius, and music would be a lot less creative and interesting without him.

7) Jonathan "Yoni" Wolf (Of Why?, Which I Promise Is A Band)

Cause Of Death: Drowned (In Money; After This Article Goes Live, And He Blows Up)
This one is definitely a guilty pleasure, and one I don't expect anyone else to know. Why?, a small band out of Oakland is pretty off the radar and even tougher to explain. They're a weird rap-folk-indie rock hybrid. Their last EP was just seven songs about fans they stalked on social media. Their lyrics vacillate between the disgusting, awe-inspiring, and incomprehensible. Normally in the scope of one song. But I love them. How can you not be enthralled by someone who comes up with, "my dad wore this face in old photographs." Or, "your face never forgets a cry/like trace remnants on acid in your spine." Or, "Sucking dick for drink tickets at the free bar at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah." Yeah, he's super weird. And the world would be a bit more boring without him.

6) Justin Timberlake

Cause Of Death: Asphyxiation (Bro-Hugged Too Hard By Jimmy Fallon)
In terms of pure musical accomplishments, this man probably doesn't deserve to be this far up the list. I mean, he is without a doubt a talented singer. He can seemingly turn out hits at will (IE - "Can't Stop the Feeling"), and he's got range and depth. But he's here because he's a god damn showman. Women want to be with him, and men want to crack him open and suck his marrow dry of his talent and charm. Hypothetically speaking, of course. He's a legit pop icon. If he were to die today, I would certainly "Cry Me A River." Don't hate the pun, you would too.

5) Justin Vernon

Cause Of Death: Boredom (AKA: Living In Wisconsin)
The other day a friend played me a new song By James Blake (sadly not the former tennis pro) featuring Bon Iver. I realized then - or more so was able to formally articulate - something I've known for a while. Justin Vernon is fucking brilliant, and everything he touches is great. Both of the Bon Iver albums are beautiful masterpieces, and his collaborations - with Blake, Kanye, Volcano Choir - are equally wonderful. Did I mention his solo work is world class too? He's often imitated, but his raw - yet tender - talents are not easily duplicated. He's a once in a lifetime talent. And if/when the Wisconsin dreariness swallows him, we will wipe that state right off the map.

4) Brittany Howard

Cause Of Death: Ham Sandwich (Sorry, I Had To)
Objectively speaking, both Alabama Shakes records so far have been glorious. The first one was a real discovery of their style and voice. If you don't hear "Hold On" and want to scream-sing in the shower, you're a robot. And Sound & Color has been this great evolution of their musicality. It may be deprived a bit of their original spark, but it's this tremendous sign of depth and deftness of craft that will propel them forward. They're going to be a wonderful band, for a wonderfully long time. But if you take Brittany out, the "Shakes" would turn into a "Seizure." And has there ever been a good seizure? I'll check WebMD, you think it over.

3) Thom Yorke

Cause Of Death: Whatever It Is That's Gotten The One Eye, And Wants More
Don't worry, I looked it up, it's not fatal. So I'm a "Jackass," not an "Asshole." But that aside, I don't think I need to really talk about the accomplishments of Yorke. Radiohead is pretty much the best thing to come out of Britain since the Beatles. And I said thing, not band. That means I rank them above JK Rowling, fish and chips, and the words "cheeky," and "wanker." Radiohead IS THAT GREAT. Also Yorke's solo stuff, Atoms For Peace, and his dancing: all perfect. He'd be number one on the list if he weren't 47, and had already pumped out hours and hours of my favorite music. The day he dies will be a terrible one, but at least we'll have a lot to remember him by.

2) Kendrick Lamar

Cause Of Death: Inflammation Of The Esophagus (From Spitting Hot Fire, Yah Hear?)
With as much gravitas as I can say this with - as a 28 year old white byproduct of the suburbs - Kendrick Lamar is the next evolution in the rap/ hip hop game. His rhymes, his flow, his musicality, his stage presence and overall production and performance IQ - they are ALL off the charts. He is a once in lifetime performer, and he's currently re-writing the rules of his genre. To lose him right now would instigate one of the greatest games of "What If" in the history of Modern Music. And it would allow raps second greatest artist - JaRule - another shot at the crown. He's waiting people, I promise.

1) Beyonce

Cause Of Death: Becky With The Good Hair
Beyonce is at the apex, the zenith, of the collision between talent, fame, and popularity. If Beyonce were to die right now, in her prime, right after dropping the massively intriguing and important Lemonade, the world would collectively lose its shit. It would be like losing MJ and Prince Diana. I kid you not. She's the only person on this list I wouldn't be sad to lose, I'd be afraid to lose. Because her death would be the end of days. To put it simply, ALL HAIL BEY!

Total B.S.

I swear to you when - not if - I see this become a legitimate business, I will lose my shit.

The Truth IS Out There - Sorting Through Political Secrets

As we all know, the 2016 race for the Presidential Nomination has been a roller-coaster of a ride. Mainly in that it makes a good number of people feel nauseous, and there's always just this general feeling of plausible catastrophe.

But to be fair, things could - and probably should - be a lot crazier. With Supreme Leader Presidential hopeful Donald Trump stealing much of the spotlight during this nomination cycle, a large number of important stories have been buried. Case in point: almost no attention has been paid to the fact that Ted Cruz has been revealed to be the Zodiac Killer. I mean; yes we all should have seen this earlier.

How did we all miss this until now?

But where is the coverage? It's like the main-stream media is just ignoring this. Doesn't it make you wonder what else they're not telling us? Fear not friends, I will show you the truth.

THE TRIVIAL:

Lincoln Chafee - Has Never Had Physical Contact With a Female Breast

I know, this ladies man? Shocking.

Maybe it's not the most newsworthy story, but I think it's an important one. How are we supposed to trust the man to make important decisions about female health and reproductive rights? A man whose standing knowledge of a breast is, "They feel lumpy, but not really lumpy. More like full. Like sand bags. My Canadian girlfriend let me touch hers all the time. Not in a scientific way, in a cool sex like way. Honest to God."

Jim Webb - Actually an Alien Synthoid Trying to Colonize Our Planet

Seen here trying to demonstrate the value of keeping human babies as a food supply

I know, how could "aliens exist" be a trivial story? Obviously yes, Mr. Webb's mere existence proves that we are not alone in the universe, and that the human race is a mere drop in the bucket of galactic life. But, alien or not, was anyone voting for this guy? A man who's greatest contribution to the debates was "I'm over here. No really, I'm over here, please pay attention to me." Didn't think so.

Martin O'Malley - Compulsively Gambles on Little League Baseball

"Timmy, if you want a ride home I need 'this' much more effort to cover the spread."

O'Malley - or as you may remember him, the 1/8th of a shoulder to Hillary's right on stage - always seemed like he was about to snap. Like something was boiling inside of him. Some mistook it as disenchantment with his campaign's coverage. But more astute observers knew it was a much more visceral emotion. The guilt, excitement, and anger that can only come from high stakes gambling. From gambling on whatever you can. From going 30k in the hole when the Rocktown Giants of the Age 12-14 summer league fail to Mercy Rule the Smithville Indians in the 3rd. THEIR PITCHER WAS A GIRL! COME ON!

THE STARTLING:

Ben Carson - Founding Member of "The Funky 4+1"

Far left. As if you couldn't peg  that sexy stare-down.

And we wondered why he whispered so much. I never would have guessed it's because his voice was burnt out from dropping "mad funky fresh beats" in the Eighties. This may not seem like a "bombshell" discovery, but it really calls into question the entirety of the Ben Carson narrative. If he so blatantly kept this from us, what else is he being less than forthcoming about? What if those "Siamese Twins" he "separated" just turned out to be two "Oriental Siblings" he "cut up a bit." Would you be surprised?

Bobby Jindal - Daniel Day Lewis' Most Important Role

Only one man could pull off a smile that smug, and still garner votes

Sadly, the whitewashing of Hollywood is worse than any of us had thought. It isn't too difficult to believe. The son of two immigrants, raised in the Swamps of Louisiana. Graduated from Brown at age 20 with a major in Biology and Public Policy. Attended Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar. Congressman, Governor, and a Presidential hopeful. All while fighting racial prejudice and skewed perspectives. It really is the role of a lifetime. And Daniel Day Lewis got in on the ground floor. He really inhabits his characters. What an actor.

Chris Christie - Corporate Spokesman for Subway Sandwiches

I will never NOT post this photograph

Under the table corporate money. It's a dirty secret in the political sphere, and almost every candidate has been tainted or bought in some way. But the amount of money Subway has poured into the Christie campaign Super PACS is astounding. An unregistered spokesman, Subway has been paying Christie millions over the last several years for him not to announce he's been on the Subway diet since 2007. The company says it would be the "worst publicity they've ever had." It's hard to argue that.

Marco Rubio - A 13 Year Old Suffering With Werner Syndrome

Rubio - with mother - holding his twin brother

This one is tough to reveal. Marco - who will celebrate his 14th birthday in November - has dealt with symptoms of Progeria and Werner Syndrome since birth. Much like in the film "Jack," Marco - like the titular character played by Robin Williams - physically ages around 4 times the natural rate. Looking to be in his late 40's - but having the mental capacities of a pre-teen - it was no wonder Rubio found such success with the Republican Party. A true shame that he missed his chance this year, as there won't be many opportunities for him in his lifetime. And he is such a sweet kid.

THE EARTH SHATTERING:

Hillary Clinton - The Re-inhabited Robotic Exo-Skeleton of Janet Reno

Isn't it slightly odd we never see more then her head? What is hidden under these Pant-Suits?

Again, some people probably don't consider this an "earth shattering" piece of news. Clinton has been criticized for her robotic presence for several years now. Many have assumed that something is a bit fishy. That maybe she's not just a hard, driven, candidate. Maybe she's a candidate with a hard drive. The real "shocker" here is that Clinton is, actually, the reincarnated robotic husk of Janet Reno. Think: have you seen Reno in the last several years? During any of Clinton's tenure as Secretary of State? During either of her bids for the Presidency? It's a horrifying realization, especially when you consider that Robo-Reno (as she was affectionately called in inner circles) is indeed a combat model unit. What does Hillary really have up her sleeves if Bernie contests the nomination? Speaking of...

Bernie Sanders - Former High Sparrow of King's Landing

Senator Sanders in his most formal attire.

This is not Mr. Sander's first "political revolution." Seeking to overthrow the 1% of Westeros, Sanders launched a much similar plot in his youth - some several thousand years ago - where "all citizens" were held accountable under the same Heavenly Father. His tactics were vicious, brutal, and downright inhumane. Sure he didn't go as far as to try and establish universal healthcare, but he was near demonic in his pursuit of social justice and equality. One would assume these tendencies will rear their head again if he's elected. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Donald Trump - The Test Subject of a Program to Corporeal-ize Cartoon Characters

The color is slightly askew, but they NAILED that shit eating grin.

Technology is a scary thing. Previously assumed to be years off from this technology, the government - using 3d printers, stem cells, and Cheetoh dust - was able to breath life into famed cartoon character "Mr. Noisy." Oh, who am I kidding. This isn't shocking. It's barely trivial. You'd believe anything Trump says, or is said about him. The only "earth shattering" Trump news would be that he's a decent person, a nuanced politician. But even I can't imagine something so ludicrous.

A Nightmare Of An Interview

Another idea that's been swirling around in the old "thought-helmet." I won't say too much, I don't want to spoil any surprise.

Also, it's WAY too long as it is. So need to push the limits of your attention further. Enjoy!

"I've never been this happy, and wrinkly." 24 Hours In A Moon Shaped Pool

For all those - now former -friends who did not know, yesterday marked the release of Radiohead's latest studio album: A Moon Shaped Pool. As I consider myself a pretty big Radiohead-head (we still don't have a lock on a cool follower nickname, sorry), I wanted to make sure I gave the album an early listen and review. For all those unfortunate enough to not have the album already. Poor saps. Without further ado, lets "dive" right in. Nailed it.

The First 24: A Moon Shaped Pool.

2:00 PM - The record officially drops.
3:45 PM - You know what would be a good idea? If I figured out what "7 PM BST" meant.
3:47 PM - 7 PM British Standard Time. Not "Bitching Sweet Tunes," as assumed.
3:48 PM - That's 2 PM Eastern Standard Time?! This record's already out?!
4:05 PM - Downloading issues. I'm having a hard time tracking this bad boy down. Of course on very legal websites where I "pay" for the pleasure of listening to this album.
4:08 PM - If I "were" (hypothetically) to DL this illegally, maybe now wouldn't be a good time. Radiohead is Britain's most valuable currency. I feel like they're going to shoot trespassers on sight.
4:10 PM - Decision made: we wait. I should be a good son, and spend time with my family.
4:12 PM - OH MY GOD THEY WON'T STOP TALKING.
4:15 PM - Distraction required. We're putting on a movie.
4: 20 PM - Bridge of Spies. Tom Hanks, what a treasure. I bet he had the new album yesterday.
4:30 PM - No seriously, I would pay to watch Tom Hanks watch paint dry. He's so damn charming. He's like a later phase Leo. So perfect. So "acty."
4:45 PM - Remember when they were in Catch Me If You Can together? That movie should have won all the Oscars. Some Tonys too.
4:47 PM - Thank God for TBS. It accounts for 62% of its programming time. And honestly, that's not enough.
5:00 PM -  Why did this movie have to be on my computer? Why didn't I pick something on TV?
5:30 PM - Getting antsy. The movie is fine, but there's not really any suspense. You're not killing off Tom Hanks. He's fucking Tom Hanks.
5:35 PM - Facebook. I'll use Facebook on my phone.
5:38 PM - Oh My God, we get it. Everyone has a mother, congratulations.
5:50 PM - First mention of a bridge in this movie. Good to know that wasn't a metaphor or anything.
6:32 PM - "We did it, we survived!" The characters and my own general sentiment.
6:33 PM - OF COURSE. My dad immediately asks "if maybe I'd mind if he played us a song?" Is there a more polite way of declining then jumping through the living room window? Not seeing it.
6:35 PM - We're searching for a Hendrix B-Side. "Highway Chile." He assures me it's pronounced "child." I have my doubts.
6:36 PM - Fuck you Wikipedia.
6:38 PM - Still can't find it. My dad ASSURES me he listened to it the other day, on YouTube. I would pay so much money to hear/see whatever he watched.
6:39 PM - He always has a backup tune. Don Henley. "If Dirt Were Dollars." Keep an open mind Andrew, You can do it.
6:40 PM - SOMEONE GET ME A GUN.
6:42 PM - "I saw Jesus on the Plane, or maybe it was Elvis, you know they both look the same." Is this what Guantanamo is like?
7:01 PM - Escape. Apologize to my parents, I'm locking myself up tight in my room.
7:02 PM - Download this thing, whatever (COMPLETELY LEGAL) means necessary.
7:05 PM - IT BEGINS!
7:06 PM - 7:58 PM The first listen. Initial thoughts:
1) Burn The Witch - First single. It's about 3 days old now, so I've heard it about 35 times. Nice rock anthem, not very experimental, high replay value and easy tune to listen to. Can see why it's a single. Score: 7.9 out of 10
2) Daydreaming - Also already released. I didn't like this as much upon first listen, but it's grown on me. One of those songs that very perfectly encapsulates the title. Also, Paul Thomas Anderson video - amazing. I could watch Thom walk aimlessly for hours. I probably technically have now. THAT'S NOT SAD. Score: 8.1 out of 10.
3) Decks Dark - Starts off with almost a Beach House vibe. As soon as Yorke starts singing though, classic Radiohead. Especially the lyrics: "It's the last sound you've ever heard/ we are helpless to resist/in our darkest hour." Never thought I'd say this, but hearing someone scream that... makes me SO FREAKING HAPPY! Score: 7.8 of 10: possibly inflated because it's the first NEW track.
4) Desert Island Disk - Slow acoustic tune. Great to hear that they aren't 100% dedicated to pure techno-tronica-tation stuff. They can also kill a simple, calm, folk song. It just kind of falls short though. Good, but doesn't go anywhere great. Jazzy back-half helped, but didn't go far enough. Score: 6.5 out of 10.
5) Ful Stop - Not a huge fan of the first portion of this. For some reason I can't really get behind music that sounds like a 56k modem and TRON fucking on acid. I know, I have some musical growing to do. Worth it all though for that second half flourish. Score: 7.3 out of 10.
6) Glass Eyes - What a beautiful start. I don't know if Thom knows how nice it is to hear him clearly singing. It's a blessing. A great tune but quite sad. Maybe not something to listen to in your childhood home, that's being remodeled, after several glasses of wine. First song I'm pumped to come back to. Score: 7.1 out of 10.
7) Identikit - I like it, but I'm a bit turned off by the numerous voices in the background, almost too much. If I wanted several voices talking at once, I'd go back to my parents downstairs. But that chorus though... "broken hearts make it rain;" so solid. I love being so happy as Thom cries about unfathomable sadness. Hooray! Score: 7.4 out of 10
8) The Numbers - Getting very psyched that so far we haven't had a "bad" track. This is so far the best harmony of new and old styles. Piano discord doesn't overshadow everything. Good balance. And "Cell-Oh;" raging strings on the second half? Be still my heart. Score: 8.1 out of 10.
9) Present Tense - Awesome guitar riff AND Thom moaning to start the song? Clean up on aisle boxer briefs. This album is really hitting its stride. "Don't get heavy. Keep it light, keep it moving." Besides the heart wrenching lyrics, the tunes themselves are at least holding true to that. Score: 8.2 out of 10.
10) Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief - Now that's a title I can't wait to repeat a bunch to fellow Radio-philes. This song is my jam. Start to finish, love it. Got a quasi NIN vibe, but the perfect mix of vocals, beats, and melody. Definitely favorite so far. Score: 8.4 out of 10.
11) True Love Waits - I know this song. Not this version, but this is definitely a Radiohead song. I like this version though. Melancholic, but beautiful. No doubt about it. Score: 8.0 out of 10.
7:59 PM - Imaginary post-coitus cigarette
8:00 PM - What the hell album was "True Love Waits" on? Google, let's dance!
8:01 PM - I Might Be Wrong: Live Recordings. I wonder if there's anything else interesting on this I don't know already.
8:47 PM - DEAR GOD. Where did the last 45 minutes go? Damn you Wikipedia Hole!
8:48 PM - To the early reviews!
8:55 PM Thom broke up with his partner of 20+ years? Yikes, No wonder this album came off so "happy."
9:10 PM - Johhny Greenwood had a side project called Junun?
9:11 PM - Oh Christ on a Cracker, it's with an ALL Indian band?
9:12 PM - http://junun.co.uk/ I will give $20 to anyone who can tell me straight face that's not the best album cover art ever.
9:18 PM - I'm not trying to find more of this, am I?
9:23 PM - The documentary is online. There is a documentary of this.
9:26 PM - Fuck it, I'm downloading the documentary.
9:28 PM - This is going to take a while. Whiskey time.
9:30 PM - My dad is still awake. Unexpected, Well, he looks tired...
10:48 PM - I can now say I've watched over 20 minutes of Dio. Live.
10:50 PM - Whiskey is kicked. I wonder why. Switching to wine.
10:52 PM - Nice.
10:53 PM - Download is at .08%. How are more people not the proud owners of Radiohead's guitarist's Indian sitar band side project's documentary? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
10:55 PM - Back to Tinker Tailor. "TTSSRMPMBMT" (for short?)
11:15 PM - Still firmly believe this is my favorite off the album so far. But, "True Love Waits" is the perfect closing song. I don't know if it's because it's already been around for 16 years or so, but I think it will be one of the album's longer lasting successes.
11:16 PM - Bed.
8:45 AM - My parent's still think I'm asleep. God Bless us.
8:47 AM - re-listening to "Ful Stop." I think this was my least favorite so far.
9:00 AM - Still not a huge fan. I really like the ending, but the first two minutes are somewhat tough to get through. Definitely easier on the second and third try. My heart already might be warming.
9:02 AM - Breakfast. Strawberries. I feel like I need cream to make this a more Radiohead approved breakfast. All we have is butter.
9:03 AM - I officially debated a Butter and Strawberries bowl for too long.
9:25 AM - Mom needs a quick favor. Clouds are swirling overhead.
10:05 AM - Well, now I remember what it feels like to move 500+ pounds of mulch and topsoil bags. I can't wait to feel like I pulled my torso muscle tomorrow.
10:25 AM - Car ride back into the city. Lets see how much Radiohead dad can stomach.
10:32 AM - Dad taps out to track 2, "Daydreaming." "I wish I could like them, it's just, I don't." Well, at least he wasn't ambiguous about it.
10:34 AM - Black Keys. Everybody likes the Black Keys.
11:22 AM - Back in the apartment, computer awake.
12:15 PM - Round Two, COMPLETE!
1:03 PM - Round Three COMPLETE!
1:04 PM - Debating the use of excited caps. Is listening to an album three times in under a day cause for a celebration? I think its more a cause for a shower.
1:05 PM - Editing time. Play me on Thommy Boy!
1:10 PM - Nope, this is not music to focus too. Let's do a nice summary instead.
1:11 PM - 2:00 PM - Final thoughts Recap:
1) Burn The Witch - Great song. I feel like it's going to get lost in the shuffle under some much more musical songs, but I'm still randomly humming it/singing "low-flying panic attack" a lot. I'm pretty sure that's not going to be a good thing once I leave the confines of my apartment.
2) Daydreaming - I wasn't sold on this song originally, but the more I listen to it, the more I love it. Got to be in my top three for the album. It's a little more avant garde (and hence easy to blow off right away) but it just encapsulates its own vibe so well. Glad the video will give it replay value too.
3) Decks Dark - I was worried I rated this song so highly because it was the first new song on the CD. Don't think that's the case. It's a great song, and doesn't have many dead patches throughout. Going to be a nice song to play for friends who like "Burn the Witch," but are turned off by "Daydreaming." So, the majority of humans.
4) Desert Island Disk - I think it's a nice break from the more expansive songs, and a needed one for the album as a whole. I just don't think it's particularly amazing. Good but not great. I stand by that.
5) Ful Stop - Growing on me, but the ambient stuff in the first two-ish minutes is tough. It's getting better on repeated listens, but I don't know if other people will give it that much effort.
6) Glass Eyes - Beautiful song. I don't think I was paying enough attention to the words AND the melody before. It's very beautiful. I can definitely see Sean Bean dying in a movie with this playing in the background.
7) Identikit - Big swing since my initial listen. I was kind of put off by the layered vocals before, but I don't think it's as big a turn off as earlier assumed. And the entire "broken hearts make it rain" section; just wonderful. In that soul crushing despair kind of way.
8) The Numbers - I was really into the background dissonance before, now I think I'm less excited. It still feels the most "Radiohead-y" song to me. Can definitely see it slipping into their earlier catalog and fitting right in. Good song, but I keep forgetting it on these listens. Probably not a good sign.
9) Present Tense - I think this song suffers in album location. I don't care enough about "The Numbers," and I really want to get to "Tinker Tailor Long Song Name." But it's a beautiful song. And although I'm kind of ignoring it now, I think it has some serious staying power.
10) TTSSRMPMBMT - I just had to cut and paste the ABBREVIATION to this song. This is why sometimes even I can't defend Radiohead. That aside, this song is my go-to favorite. Love the beat, and Thom's voice kills it. I could use like 20 less seconds of static at the end though. We get it, noises.
11) True Love Waits - This is just a beautiful freaking song. Heartbreaking, touching, gorgeous. But I feel I'm going to have to be in a certain mood to search it out. And since that mood seems to be "break-up/puppy death" I'm hoping it doesn't happen too often. Bummer.

Overall, album gets an 9.2 out of 10. There's really not a weak track on here. Couple of dead spots on particular songs, but there's not one piece of music that misses the mark completely. Much better then King of Limbs, and I feel that we'll recall 75% of these songs fondly when we look back on the collective works of the band. That's freaking awesome. My only complaint, I want more. Looks like I'll need to wait until the full release in June. WITH BONUS TRACKS! Because I think we need another 3500 words about this CD! Heck Yeah!

Sub-Standard Subway Citizens

Before I go and 100% contradict myself, I'd like to say that I very much love and appreciate the NYC subway system. It's cheap, more or less reliable, and runs 24/7. And although bash it I have (and will), it is the first thing I miss when trying to get around in another major metropolitan area.

But as wonderful as the subway system itself is, the people and experiences contained within are a horrifying low point in the progress of human existence. I've only been here for 4 or so years - and missed the crux of subway insanity in the '80s and '90s - but Dear Lord. I've seen a voodoo ceremony performed for over an hour on an empty D train. I've watched (more accurately, "tried not to watch") as a homeless man jerked off AND smoked weed on the C train. I've seen bum fights, vomiting, sexual harassment, sexual foreplay, old people cursing, and a person eat an errant kick from a "showtime dancer."

And although all of these experiences - and correlating individuals - are awful, they have been excluded from the below list. Exotic crazy is fun. It's an experience. I'm going to hate sitting next to a guy with 4 parrots (one of course of which resides on his head) but I give credit to the moment. I see some merit, or have some pity, for top notch crazy. What I really can't stand is the bullshit of normal assholes. The everyday dick-farts who without fail make every subway ride a bit more insufferable. A bit more soul draining.

In recognition of said "douchebaggery," I present an updated ranking of my "Ten Most Hated NYC Straphangers."

Honorable Mention:

1) People Who Seriously Use The Word Straphanger
The only pass on this is if you are over 75. Otherwise, I want to knock you (and undoubtedly your vegan approved vintage Converse) off your Penny Farthing on the streets of Brooklyn. Freaking hipsters.

2) People Who Don't Let You Off The Subway Before They Get On The Subway.
The only reason you're not number one on this list is because technically you're not on the train. Anyone who enters a train car while people are waiting to get out should be shot on sight. And that's my least aggressive plan of action.

The All-Stars:

10) Puppies Who Refuse To Make Eye-Contact With Me
I get it. The subway is possibly an exciting (or terrifying) flurry of activity. Lots of sights, sounds, and people. But get your shit together. I'm lovable and awesome. Look at me and visually insinuate that you know I'd be a great friend and better owner. It's a fucking simple courtesy, dog.

9) Anyone Who Brings In Delicious Smelling Food
Well aware that people need to eat, and food is often something people buy elsewhere and bring home. I don't care. If you bring KFC on a train - at lunch time - you better have enough for the whole subway car. Honestly, you're only one step away from:

8) Anyone Who Eats ON The Train
I'm willing to exclude snacks and drinks here (with the exception of sunflower seeds, which should never be eaten by anyone not on a baseball field). But if you're eating a meal that requires a fork and a knife, save it for home. If you're worried that your falafel is going to drip on your pants, maybe you shouldn't test that theory in a crowded vehicle going 30 MPH and making frequent stops. Just a thought.

7) Over The Top Courtesy Guy
I'm 100% in favor of giving up a seat for the following: the elderly, parents with small children, pregnant women, beautiful women (is it sexism if I do a nice thing?), and anyone who appears to be injured/debilitated. Anyone else can stand. And if you let those people take your seat, your a pushover. If you do it on a near empty train, you're an idiot. I will not be shamed for my refusal to be either. Dirty looks NOT approved guy.

6) Anyone Who Still Doesn't Know About Headphones
Now a majority of this category falls under the purview of my "crazy people" exclusions. Loud music is to crazy people as linen shirts are to Hampton's residents. It's their lifeblood. It's awful, but I'll survive. What I will not suffer through are people who play games on their phones with the volume on (no one needs to "hear" Candy Crush), and people with headphones whose music still can be heard by others. That second one is particularly annoying. If I can hear your music through your Beats By Dre, that's not good for either of us. Deaf-initely not good. Nailed it.

5) Any Children Between The Ages Of 8 And 15
I hate to use blanket statements, but all children on the subway - at this age - are assholes. If they're loud, needy, ignore personal space, fight with siblings, etc... they should know better. And if they travel in a pack? They are literally my nightmare. I'd rather take on ISIS single handedly then try and sit next to four thirteen year old boys. They're just so damn intimidating/unpredictable, right? Am I the only one who fears them? Oh I've said too much...

4) Anyone Who Sits In The Center Of An Empty 3-Seat Bench/Rests Against a Pole
There is literally a special place in hell for you people. If you have no concern for the space around you, and have no regard for your fellow passengers, you shouldn't be allowed on a train. I'd say we'd force you to walk; but your undoubtedly the same person who walks slow on the sidewalk, 3 wide, checking your Instagram. A plague upon your feed.

3) Anyone - When Sitting - Who Acts Frustrated On A Crowded Train.
Packed trains - those really packed ones - are an awful experience for everyone. You don't need to say anything, we all know. NO ONE wants to be there. But if you have the gall to complain - while sitting - you are a "Grade A Moose Turd:" pardon my Canadian. You're sitting down. Your life is already measurably better then anyone pressed up against three Jamaican dudes, struggling to support themselves with two fingers on the ceiling. I don't want to hear how rough your ride is. That's like a German Solider complaining about how "rough" the Holocaust was. Shut up.

2) Any Parent Who Ignores Their Young Child
I don't have kids but I know that they're difficult and annoying. Especially when travelling. But a New York City subway is NOT the place to take your eyes off your kids. I've seen an un-watched 2 year old lick a subway pole. Another pat the head of a sleeping homeless man. If you're going to be a lazy parent, pick a safer place. Like an abandoned amusement park. Or the inside of a structure fire.

1) People Who Pick Up A Call, And Are SURPRISED When It Drops.
You are several feet underground, in A GIANT METAL CAN. Getting a call was an aberration. Picking up the call was a mistake. The call dropping is the literal definition of "logical outcome." If this shocks you, if you yell "HELLO" into your phone and look confused; you should be spayed and neutered. Both. Just to make sure you don't go any further in the gene pool.

Did I miss anyone? Feel free to let me know in the comments. So that I can hate you, personally, for reminding me of more horrible things.

Love Trumps All

     I don't really like to get too political on the interwebs. Don't think it's right. Talking politics online is like saying what you personally want to eat when a group is ordering food at a restaurant. No matter what, you come off looking like an asshole.
     But with Trump recently announced as the official Republican nominee for President, I took a few minutes off from praying for America's next great assassin and tried to learn a bit more about him. Although the news outlets have "some" helpful information, I think the most insightful piece I came across was his answers to a recent OK Cupid Questionnaire. It's almost scary at how prescient it is.

How important is it for you to make physical contact when showing affection for someone?
To be honest, I can never remember which one is my wife; which is my daughter. So I just have a strict "hands-off" policy across the board.

Would you strongly prefer to date someone of your own skin color / racial background?
As a male of Orange descent, that is not an option I am afforded.

Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?
Would it be a "better" place? Probably. But would I have the chance to be its Supreme Ruler? Not likely. So with that being said, let's not rock the boat.

Which is worse: starving children or abused animals?
On a scale of one to taco, how Mexican are these children?

Would you need to sleep with someone before you considered marrying them?
Not a deal breaker. It really depends more on shipping schedules and any customs hold-ups at the docks. Sometimes you don't have time to sneak it in pre-ceremony. That's okay. I should know.

When birds stand on power lines and don’t get hurt, it’s most likely because of:
Well made American power lines. Also, trick question. Birds fly, they don't stand.

Do you space out or daydream a lot?
I would say that 90-95% of my thoughts and interactions have little to no grounding in reality. So, in that sense, yes.

Would you consider having an open relationship, where you can see other people?
Is there another type of relationship?

What is your quest?
To fulfill the prophecy and assure the second coming of our Dark Lord and Savior Luci --for-tunate enough to be President. I hope to be fortunate enough to be President. Only that.

How often are you open with your feelings?
Are you saying there's a way to not say everything that pops into your head?

Rate your self-confidence:
On a numeric scale of 1 to 10, I am the single greatest human ever to inhabit this planet.

How frequently do you bathe or shower?
My hair is "dry clean only." So in the conventional sense of the words, not since I was 17.

Are you happy with your life?
As Trump Steaks are to steaks, I am to people. Marinate on that. Steak Pun. Nailed it.

To you, which adjective best describes hopeless, unrequited love?
Expensive

Pitch Meeting

Just a first draft of something I wrote up yesterday. It DEFINITELY borrows heavily from Mr. Show ("Globochem" Sketch), and WKYN (The American Masterpiece which is "The Grapist."), but I think it has enough under it to stand on its own.

If nothing else, I'm stealing from good company. So there's that.

The Ressur-meh-ction.

I'll be brutally honest and equally short. I'm 29 years old. This has got to be something like my 460th attempt at a 'singular' blog. I've Xanga'ed, Blogspotted'ed, My Spaced'ed, and I'm pretty sure this is my third or fourth iteration of Blogger.

Where will this site go? What will this blog be about? I have no idea. I plan to have very few cohesive thoughts, and very few topical restrictions. I'm going to write whatever pops into the old 'thought cage,' and give zero fucks. Just consider me that one relative at your cousin's wedding everyone says to keep an eye on.

Let's get weird.