Monday, June 6, 2016

A Fair and Balanced Analysis of the 2001 Film Hardball

I enjoy - probably a lot more then I should - re-watching older films and TV shows. This is not to say that I'm a "connoisseur" or "devotee" to the better constructions of the mediums. I will (and more aptly, have) re-watched absolute and utter garbage. Couldn't tell you why either. Sometimes it's nostalgia. Sometimes it's to confirm preconceived notions of good and bad storytelling. More often then not its brought on entirely by extreme boredom and having a functional Netflix account.

And for more reasons I can't explain, I'm a particular sucker for baseball movies. I played little league as a kid, but sucked. I enjoyed watching Yankees games, but really only for the accompanying snacks. Yet I've always had an affinity for baseball movies. Of course for classics (Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, The Natural, etc..) but also, for less provocative films in the genre. Lets just say I don't want to say out loud the number of times I've seen Angels in the Outfield. Or Rookie of the Year. Or admit to having enjoyed Mr. 3000. And all three (yes, I said it) of the Major League "movies." I've even gone so far as to watch the trailer for Benchwarmers.

I am not proud of my addiction.

But yesterday - in the throws of said enslavement - I re-watched the 2001 baseball film Hardball. I definitely watched it as a kid, but the only really tangible thing I could remember was the ending. And that it was depressing as all hell. But in the interest of science - and to kill time before the NBA Finals - I decided to revisit the film. And although I wasn't expecting it to really spur any next level thinking, it incited in me a barrage of questions. Questions I feel we'd all be better off from discussing. Oh and SPOILING too, in case you really had planned on seeing this 15 year old movie.

Is this the worst baseball movie ever made?


"Does anyone know what we do next? Anyone?"
Undoubtedly so. The amount of baseball "action" in this movie isn't actually bad. The kids spend a decent amount of time on the field when we're not concerned with Keanu's character making a bet, losing a bet, thinking of making another bet, or changing his mind on a bet. But what makes the movie terrible in terms of baseball content, is two fold:

1) Keanu Reeves teaches them baseball for a grand total of 4 hits into the outfield.
For a movie about a team growing and overcoming life through baseball, the man teaches them nothing. He buys them things - new uniforms, tickets to a major league game, a life changing three pizzas - but he fixes none of their on-field problems. The first time they play no one can catch a ball. Two games later they're unstoppable talents. He is nowhere to be found in that process. Except for helping his pitcher find his "rhythm" (we'll get to it), and....

2) Holy shit that ending.
I'll talk about the twist in a moment, but to win the penultimate game he blatantly cheats. Because it's the right thing to do. AWESOME MESSAGE. And then the final game, for the championship they wanted so bad, is... PICTURES OF THEM HOLDING THE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY. I get that "it's not about that" by the end, but why have them even play then? Why not make the second to last game the championship? It's not a happy ending anyway you slice it. A CHILD JUST DIED.

Is this the worst kids movie ever made?


Well this escalated quickly.
If you read the above sentence, then I think you already know the answer. This was so horrible. Even worse on the second watching. For those who haven't seen it, the movie in part revolves around a precocious nine year old named G-Baby. His older brother is on the team, and he wants to be too. But he's too young to be on the team. So he becomes a secondary coach/mascot, and hangs with Keanu in the dugout. He's great.

Or, he was great. Because after their second to last game, he gets shot. In a drug killing gone wrong. In his brothers arms. HIS 11 YEAR OLD BROTHER'S ARMS. Then we learn about him heroically winning the team the game, at his funeral, as the coach gives a passionate speech about how he changed his life. This was the trailer for the movie:


It has a a DMB song in the background, a record scratch, and two spots involving head injuries. Even though it gets inspirational and "serious" at the end, I don't necessarily equate that with nine year olds dying. Which is like the most heavy-handed way ever to get an already made point across.

Is this the laziest movie ever made?


It's a scientific fact. Pizza = team growth.
Yes. That seems like a pretty big generalization to make, but its 100% accurate. Nothing in this movie is remotely unique or original. Everything is borrowed, bastardized, and boring. I'm absurdly positive this was the pitch meeting. Verbatim.

Producer 1: We need another baseball movie.
Producer 2: How about an updated "Bad News Bears?"
Producer 1: Like a gritty reboot?
Producer 2: Exactly.
Producer 1: But how?
< 30 minutes of silence and hard drugs >
Producer 2: THE KIDS ARE BLACK.
Producer 1: SOMEONE GET ME MY CHECKBOOK.

It's such homogenized bullshit. It's a cinematic Mad Lib of the highest order.

Leading man Keanu Reeves hits hard times because of his drinking and gambling addictions. To fix his gambling problem, he agrees to help teach an inner city baseball program. At first he only coaches to make money, and to win the love of Diane Lane. A schoolteacher, who also loves the kids. Soon, he finds out that his players need him. And that he might need them. In the end he becomes a better person, and the kids win the championship.

Is this the worst Keanu Reeves movie ever made?


"I SHOULD HAVE DONE ANOTHER BILL AND TED!"
Most certainly. And that's saying something for an actor best known for playing men who have little to no discernible emotions. But this is tough to watch. His most intense scene is him beating himself up. He also yells at kids, a car, a woman, and his friend. Does he take all of that back within 2 scenes/30 seconds? Of course he does. Then he fills out the movie with this.



I mean it's grade A ass sitting, but to make this movie even remotely passable, I would have needed more. But, to be honest, even if we Daniel Day Lewis, I don't think I could forgive a film that...

Is the most simplistically racist movie ever?


I'm pretty sure this font is "Ghetto Papyrus." It explains a lot.
A million times over. I'm willing to concede that its not easy to paint a nuanced picture of racial prejudice and inner city life in a 2 hour movie. But this was just a masterclass in BROAD brush strokes. The projects aren't bad, they're Fallujah. In the ten seconds they're on screen we witness a beating, a car fire, and a drug killing. These kids fear for their life every second of the day.

If I'm going to have to buy that, I can't also buy that the kids who come out of said projects would immediately - and with almost no hesitation - trust, support, and follow a drunk white guy who claims to be their new baseball coach. They listen to everything he says, and trust in him so unequivocally that they assuage the fears of every adult around them.

OF A GUY THEY JUST MET A MONTH AGO.

It's just full of insultingly simple white-black dynamics. There's a white teacher who has devoted herself to the education of these kids on every level. The black families are nowhere to be found for these kids yet they have packed stands at their games. Keanu adopts black culture by learning and loving the Notorious B.I.G.

I'm all for racial growth and discussion, but this all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like a white writer wrote a book about hard times in a Chicago ghetto. And a white producer and director cast two famous white actors to tell the story. Ugh.

I need to just stick to The Sandlot.


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