My rankings are based on both cultural impact AND my own personal sentiments. So undoubtedly, you're not going to agree with two-thirds of this. But, coincidentally, I could give two-thirds of a fuck. Because I'm cool as a cucumber, Hepcat.
And I'm also sorry for cursing. This whole thing has me on edge.
The Caveats:
The "Survivable Calamity"
Members: Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Bruce SpringsteenOf course I'm going to be supremely upset if and when any of these guys pass away. But lets be honest here. Dylan is 74, Stevie is 66, McCartney is 73. These guys have lived two to three rocker lifetimes already. Any extra music we get from this point on is a bonus.
The "Twit-Tastrophes"
Members: Madonna, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Adele, Any Artist Born After 1990If these rankings were based solely on "public reaction," these guys would be right up there. Some I do genuinely appreciate. I think early Madonna rocks. I think Kanye is a lyrical genius, a tremendous innovator, and a rap pioneer. I think One Direction is a thing, I honestly do not know. If any of them passed away, I'd lament - not weep. I'd let the inevitable "Great Social Media Collapse of 2016" handle that.
The "And The Band Probably Played On"
Members: Arcade Fire, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Remains of U2, The Black KeysIf we lost any given member of these bands, a definite tragedy. But unless we lose the entire group, I have the distinct premonition that the their musical legacy will live on. If we lost one half of the Black Keys, I'd have to Wikipedia them to see which one is which. If we lost Bono, I know The Edge would call the Filipino guy who fronted Journey. And if we lost Arcade Fire, well, there must have been some type of nuclear attack. That band has 400,000 active members. Whose taking all of them out?
The "Whose Cutting Onions In Here? Why Are My Eyes So Red?!"
Members: Jack White, Ben Folds, Slug (of Atmosphere)Now we're starting to get to the tough choices. Hooray? I'd be - medically speaking - pretty gosh darn butt hurt if any of these guys past away. Jack White is a probably one of the most talented musicians of (or co-opted by) my generation. I've been a fan of Ben Folds since I was a kid, even when I assumed "Brick" was a song about the crumbling infrastructure of America. I have more Atmosphere B-sides and seasonal EPs then I can count. And I think that's part of the problem. If we lose anyone in this category, I know I have a decade plus of music to fall back onto.
The "Ugh I'm Going To Regret Not Having These People On The List" List
Taylor Swift
Cause Of Death: Horrible Treadmill AccidentIf you don't legitimately appreciate "Shake It Off" or another one or two of her songs, you're honestly not human. If she passed, the internet "shock-splosion" (TM pending) would be off the charts. Main thing keeping her off the list is her age. Her library isn't that expansive. Especially if you take away "break-up" related songs. You can't make the list on four tunes, sorry.
Q-Tip
Cause Of Death: Exhaustion (Via Another Twitter Rant At Iggy Azalea)Q-Tip could (and maybe should) be up with the likes of Jack White and Ben Folds. But I have him closer to the main list for two reasons. 1) The man's flow is still ridiculous. Yes he's been quiet on the music front of late, but I believe he's got two or three solid records left in him. He's going to be Hip Hop's most talented elder statesman. Just listen to his main verse on Busta Rhyme's "Thank You." 2) That Phife Dawg loss is still hitting close to home. And if I - and the general public - miss Phife that much, we're gonna lose our shit when Q-Tip goes.
Dave Grohl
Cause Of Death: Decapitation (From Rocking Too Fucking Hard)I haven't been the biggest fan of the Foo Fighters for a while, but the respect is still there. Grohl has an ABSURD body of work - even without considering Nirvana - and is still destroying shows. His energy and intensity is unmatched. Even on one leg. He misses the list by the slightest of margins, but he has my total appreciation and admiration. And he can have me as a son/student/best friend if he desires. Just make the call Dave.
The One's I'll Buy A Flag For, And Put It At Half Mast:
10) Hozier
Cause Of Death: Alcohol Poisoning (He's Irish, I'm Just Playing The Odds)This one is a bit of a gamble. If we're being honest with ourselves here, Hozier only has one album and a handful of good songs. But I truly believe that the kid is destined for great things. He's got song writing ability, he's young, and has a voice that makes you hate your own voice just a little bit more. If we lost him, it would be tough. I'd ponder the frail nature of human existence, and the potentially great career we lost out on. And then I'd listened to his music. And REALLY start to get bummed out.
9) Sufjan Stevens
Cause Of Death: Elliott Smith Disorder (A Bummer Of A Suicide)On body of work alone, Sufjan maybe shouldn't be down here. If he goes, I still have enough of his music to keep me "pleasantly melancholic" for quite some time. But Sufjan is a visionary. He's capable of producing relatable and simple ballads ("To Be Alone With You," "Chicago," most of Carrie and Lowell), or he can churn out an entire symphonic piece on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway (The aptly named BQE). Yes, I too wish I was kidding. Either way you slice it though, the man produces great work and inspires others. If he goes, we'll be missing out on a lot of good music, collaboration, and artistic development.
8) Mark Ronson
Cause Of Death: Sax Related Aneurysm (Brought Upon By A Case Of The "Uptown Funk")I love Mark Ronson. And not just recent producer/director Mark Ronson. I liked him back before it was cool. Back when "Ronsonians" (as we were known on the streets) we're constantly accosted for liking someone so different and edgy. Way back in like 2008/2009. I know his success really depends greatly on re-mastering and improving other artists, but the man can compose a fucking catchy tune. 2007's Visions was a great album ("Just" and "Toxic" being two all-time favorites), and he's consistently been behind some of the best singles and remixes since then. He's a collaborative genius, and music would be a lot less creative and interesting without him.
7) Jonathan "Yoni" Wolf (Of Why?, Which I Promise Is A Band)
Cause Of Death: Drowned (In Money; After This Article Goes Live, And He Blows Up)This one is definitely a guilty pleasure, and one I don't expect anyone else to know. Why?, a small band out of Oakland is pretty off the radar and even tougher to explain. They're a weird rap-folk-indie rock hybrid. Their last EP was just seven songs about fans they stalked on social media. Their lyrics vacillate between the disgusting, awe-inspiring, and incomprehensible. Normally in the scope of one song. But I love them. How can you not be enthralled by someone who comes up with, "my dad wore this face in old photographs." Or, "your face never forgets a cry/like trace remnants on acid in your spine." Or, "Sucking dick for drink tickets at the free bar at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah." Yeah, he's super weird. And the world would be a bit more boring without him.
6) Justin Timberlake
Cause Of Death: Asphyxiation (Bro-Hugged Too Hard By Jimmy Fallon)In terms of pure musical accomplishments, this man probably doesn't deserve to be this far up the list. I mean, he is without a doubt a talented singer. He can seemingly turn out hits at will (IE - "Can't Stop the Feeling"), and he's got range and depth. But he's here because he's a god damn showman. Women want to be with him, and men want to crack him open and suck his marrow dry of his talent and charm. Hypothetically speaking, of course. He's a legit pop icon. If he were to die today, I would certainly "Cry Me A River." Don't hate the pun, you would too.
5) Justin Vernon
Cause Of Death: Boredom (AKA: Living In Wisconsin)The other day a friend played me a new song By James Blake (sadly not the former tennis pro) featuring Bon Iver. I realized then - or more so was able to formally articulate - something I've known for a while. Justin Vernon is fucking brilliant, and everything he touches is great. Both of the Bon Iver albums are beautiful masterpieces, and his collaborations - with Blake, Kanye, Volcano Choir - are equally wonderful. Did I mention his solo work is world class too? He's often imitated, but his raw - yet tender - talents are not easily duplicated. He's a once in a lifetime talent. And if/when the Wisconsin dreariness swallows him, we will wipe that state right off the map.
4) Brittany Howard
Cause Of Death: Ham Sandwich (Sorry, I Had To)Objectively speaking, both Alabama Shakes records so far have been glorious. The first one was a real discovery of their style and voice. If you don't hear "Hold On" and want to scream-sing in the shower, you're a robot. And Sound & Color has been this great evolution of their musicality. It may be deprived a bit of their original spark, but it's this tremendous sign of depth and deftness of craft that will propel them forward. They're going to be a wonderful band, for a wonderfully long time. But if you take Brittany out, the "Shakes" would turn into a "Seizure." And has there ever been a good seizure? I'll check WebMD, you think it over.
3) Thom Yorke
Cause Of Death: Whatever It Is That's Gotten The One Eye, And Wants MoreDon't worry, I looked it up, it's not fatal. So I'm a "Jackass," not an "Asshole." But that aside, I don't think I need to really talk about the accomplishments of Yorke. Radiohead is pretty much the best thing to come out of Britain since the Beatles. And I said thing, not band. That means I rank them above JK Rowling, fish and chips, and the words "cheeky," and "wanker." Radiohead IS THAT GREAT. Also Yorke's solo stuff, Atoms For Peace, and his dancing: all perfect. He'd be number one on the list if he weren't 47, and had already pumped out hours and hours of my favorite music. The day he dies will be a terrible one, but at least we'll have a lot to remember him by.
2) Kendrick Lamar
Cause Of Death: Inflammation Of The Esophagus (From Spitting Hot Fire, Yah Hear?)With as much gravitas as I can say this with - as a 28 year old white byproduct of the suburbs - Kendrick Lamar is the next evolution in the rap/ hip hop game. His rhymes, his flow, his musicality, his stage presence and overall production and performance IQ - they are ALL off the charts. He is a once in lifetime performer, and he's currently re-writing the rules of his genre. To lose him right now would instigate one of the greatest games of "What If" in the history of Modern Music. And it would allow raps second greatest artist - JaRule - another shot at the crown. He's waiting people, I promise.
1) Beyonce
Cause Of Death: Becky With The Good HairBeyonce is at the apex, the zenith, of the collision between talent, fame, and popularity. If Beyonce were to die right now, in her prime, right after dropping the massively intriguing and important Lemonade, the world would collectively lose its shit. It would be like losing MJ and Prince Diana. I kid you not. She's the only person on this list I wouldn't be sad to lose, I'd be afraid to lose. Because her death would be the end of days. To put it simply, ALL HAIL BEY!
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