Your résumé. That single piece of paper that is somehow supposed to convey who you are as an employee AND a person. Most of the time my issue is how to narrow things down. I don't understand how I'm supposed to talk about working at Eastern Mountain Sports for over a decade without mentioning my lack of attempted homicides. Or, how one time I hit a customer with a hacky-sack but was able to duck behind a clothing rack in time. These are important points of reference.
But, after some help from a few friends, I recently was able to trim the fat on mine. And you know, what? It's awful. There's no spark of humanity, no "essence of Slafta." How are stripped down dates, times, and locations supposed to convey me? How is a boring platitude about my managerial strategies and talents supposed to tell you about my deep conviction to service and success? Or how sweet my pecs look after like twenty push-ups.
I have a few ideas on how to improve things, but I'm willing to admit that I may need to pare the selection down a few. Unless, I just cut off my work history and submit this instead? Good idea? Great Idea? Possibly just an idea? Let me know what you think.
Physical Abilities and Special Talents
- Once held my pee so long that I legitimately thought I had broken my penis.
- Have two signature dance moves. The "sitting down with no eye contact," and the "ah, nah, I'm good."
- From approximately 1995 to 2002 I trained extensively in the art of Nerf to Nerf Combat (N2NC). Gained highest marks for proficiency on the Ballzooka, Nerf SuperMAXX 3000, and Electric Eel models.
- Ability to sleep like a decomposing Egyptian Pharoah.
- Have retained lyrical knowledge of Crazy Town's 1999 smash hit "Butterfly."
Computer and Social Media Skills
- Although I have never completed the entire route without succumbing to Cholera, I have successfully forded several dozen rivers and hunted over 20 tons of Buffalo and Bear meat along the Oregon Trail.
- Able to watch 2-3 daily hours of "Tasty Videos;" still weigh under 300 pounds.
- Have received universal acclaim and praise for my ability to create Picasso-like works of art with only the square, circle, and paint bucket tools on Microsoft Paint.
- Am able to remember 60% - 75% of computer passwords on the first try; 75% - 85% without resetting or using a different service entirely.
- High levels of competency in viewing pornographic material without detection or accusation.
Charity and Social Justice Activities
- Am a frequent donor to the "Sisterhood of the Saint Scratch Off," registering maximum allowable donations from 2008-2010.
- Have limited fart emissions in the vicinity of attractive girls since 1997.
- Continually harass prominent reality show participants and "past their prime" athletes on various social media platforms. Unconfirmed reports that I once made Nicole Richie cry.
- Been friends with over two vegans since 2013, and have yet to be convicted for assault.
- Am the sole manager and director of all top level kitchen cabinets in my parents house since 2001.
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