The Truth IS Out There - Sorting Through Political Secrets

As we all know, the 2016 race for the Presidential Nomination has been a roller-coaster of a ride. Mainly in that it makes a good number of people feel nauseous, and there's always just this general feeling of plausible catastrophe.

But to be fair, things could - and probably should - be a lot crazier. With Supreme Leader Presidential hopeful Donald Trump stealing much of the spotlight during this nomination cycle, a large number of important stories have been buried. Case in point: almost no attention has been paid to the fact that Ted Cruz has been revealed to be the Zodiac Killer. I mean; yes we all should have seen this earlier.

How did we all miss this until now?

But where is the coverage? It's like the main-stream media is just ignoring this. Doesn't it make you wonder what else they're not telling us? Fear not friends, I will show you the truth.

THE TRIVIAL:

Lincoln Chafee - Has Never Had Physical Contact With a Female Breast

I know, this ladies man? Shocking.

Maybe it's not the most newsworthy story, but I think it's an important one. How are we supposed to trust the man to make important decisions about female health and reproductive rights? A man whose standing knowledge of a breast is, "They feel lumpy, but not really lumpy. More like full. Like sand bags. My Canadian girlfriend let me touch hers all the time. Not in a scientific way, in a cool sex like way. Honest to God."

Jim Webb - Actually an Alien Synthoid Trying to Colonize Our Planet

Seen here trying to demonstrate the value of keeping human babies as a food supply

I know, how could "aliens exist" be a trivial story? Obviously yes, Mr. Webb's mere existence proves that we are not alone in the universe, and that the human race is a mere drop in the bucket of galactic life. But, alien or not, was anyone voting for this guy? A man who's greatest contribution to the debates was "I'm over here. No really, I'm over here, please pay attention to me." Didn't think so.

Martin O'Malley - Compulsively Gambles on Little League Baseball

"Timmy, if you want a ride home I need 'this' much more effort to cover the spread."

O'Malley - or as you may remember him, the 1/8th of a shoulder to Hillary's right on stage - always seemed like he was about to snap. Like something was boiling inside of him. Some mistook it as disenchantment with his campaign's coverage. But more astute observers knew it was a much more visceral emotion. The guilt, excitement, and anger that can only come from high stakes gambling. From gambling on whatever you can. From going 30k in the hole when the Rocktown Giants of the Age 12-14 summer league fail to Mercy Rule the Smithville Indians in the 3rd. THEIR PITCHER WAS A GIRL! COME ON!

THE STARTLING:

Ben Carson - Founding Member of "The Funky 4+1"

Far left. As if you couldn't peg  that sexy stare-down.

And we wondered why he whispered so much. I never would have guessed it's because his voice was burnt out from dropping "mad funky fresh beats" in the Eighties. This may not seem like a "bombshell" discovery, but it really calls into question the entirety of the Ben Carson narrative. If he so blatantly kept this from us, what else is he being less than forthcoming about? What if those "Siamese Twins" he "separated" just turned out to be two "Oriental Siblings" he "cut up a bit." Would you be surprised?

Bobby Jindal - Daniel Day Lewis' Most Important Role

Only one man could pull off a smile that smug, and still garner votes

Sadly, the whitewashing of Hollywood is worse than any of us had thought. It isn't too difficult to believe. The son of two immigrants, raised in the Swamps of Louisiana. Graduated from Brown at age 20 with a major in Biology and Public Policy. Attended Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar. Congressman, Governor, and a Presidential hopeful. All while fighting racial prejudice and skewed perspectives. It really is the role of a lifetime. And Daniel Day Lewis got in on the ground floor. He really inhabits his characters. What an actor.

Chris Christie - Corporate Spokesman for Subway Sandwiches

I will never NOT post this photograph

Under the table corporate money. It's a dirty secret in the political sphere, and almost every candidate has been tainted or bought in some way. But the amount of money Subway has poured into the Christie campaign Super PACS is astounding. An unregistered spokesman, Subway has been paying Christie millions over the last several years for him not to announce he's been on the Subway diet since 2007. The company says it would be the "worst publicity they've ever had." It's hard to argue that.

Marco Rubio - A 13 Year Old Suffering With Werner Syndrome

Rubio - with mother - holding his twin brother

This one is tough to reveal. Marco - who will celebrate his 14th birthday in November - has dealt with symptoms of Progeria and Werner Syndrome since birth. Much like in the film "Jack," Marco - like the titular character played by Robin Williams - physically ages around 4 times the natural rate. Looking to be in his late 40's - but having the mental capacities of a pre-teen - it was no wonder Rubio found such success with the Republican Party. A true shame that he missed his chance this year, as there won't be many opportunities for him in his lifetime. And he is such a sweet kid.

THE EARTH SHATTERING:

Hillary Clinton - The Re-inhabited Robotic Exo-Skeleton of Janet Reno

Isn't it slightly odd we never see more then her head? What is hidden under these Pant-Suits?

Again, some people probably don't consider this an "earth shattering" piece of news. Clinton has been criticized for her robotic presence for several years now. Many have assumed that something is a bit fishy. That maybe she's not just a hard, driven, candidate. Maybe she's a candidate with a hard drive. The real "shocker" here is that Clinton is, actually, the reincarnated robotic husk of Janet Reno. Think: have you seen Reno in the last several years? During any of Clinton's tenure as Secretary of State? During either of her bids for the Presidency? It's a horrifying realization, especially when you consider that Robo-Reno (as she was affectionately called in inner circles) is indeed a combat model unit. What does Hillary really have up her sleeves if Bernie contests the nomination? Speaking of...

Bernie Sanders - Former High Sparrow of King's Landing

Senator Sanders in his most formal attire.

This is not Mr. Sander's first "political revolution." Seeking to overthrow the 1% of Westeros, Sanders launched a much similar plot in his youth - some several thousand years ago - where "all citizens" were held accountable under the same Heavenly Father. His tactics were vicious, brutal, and downright inhumane. Sure he didn't go as far as to try and establish universal healthcare, but he was near demonic in his pursuit of social justice and equality. One would assume these tendencies will rear their head again if he's elected. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Donald Trump - The Test Subject of a Program to Corporeal-ize Cartoon Characters

The color is slightly askew, but they NAILED that shit eating grin.

Technology is a scary thing. Previously assumed to be years off from this technology, the government - using 3d printers, stem cells, and Cheetoh dust - was able to breath life into famed cartoon character "Mr. Noisy." Oh, who am I kidding. This isn't shocking. It's barely trivial. You'd believe anything Trump says, or is said about him. The only "earth shattering" Trump news would be that he's a decent person, a nuanced politician. But even I can't imagine something so ludicrous.