Before I go and 100% contradict myself, I'd like to say that I very much love and appreciate the NYC subway system. It's cheap, more or less reliable, and runs 24/7. And although bash it I have (and will), it is the first thing I miss when trying to get around in another major metropolitan area.
But as wonderful as the subway system itself is, the people and experiences contained within are a horrifying low point in the progress of human existence. I've only been here for 4 or so years - and missed the crux of subway insanity in the '80s and '90s - but Dear Lord. I've seen a voodoo ceremony performed for over an hour on an empty D train. I've watched (more accurately, "tried not to watch") as a homeless man jerked off AND smoked weed on the C train. I've seen bum fights, vomiting, sexual harassment, sexual foreplay, old people cursing, and a person eat an errant kick from a "showtime dancer."
And although all of these experiences - and correlating individuals - are awful, they have been excluded from the below list. Exotic crazy is fun. It's an experience. I'm going to hate sitting next to a guy with 4 parrots (one of course of which resides on his head) but I give credit to the moment. I see some merit, or have some pity, for top notch crazy. What I really can't stand is the bullshit of normal assholes. The everyday dick-farts who without fail make every subway ride a bit more insufferable. A bit more soul draining.
In recognition of said "douchebaggery," I present an updated ranking of my "Ten Most Hated NYC Straphangers."
Honorable Mention:
1) People Who Seriously Use The Word Straphanger
The only pass on this is if you are over 75. Otherwise, I want to knock you (and undoubtedly your vegan approved vintage Converse) off your Penny Farthing on the streets of Brooklyn. Freaking hipsters.
2) People Who Don't Let You Off The Subway Before They Get On The Subway.
The only reason you're not number one on this list is because technically you're not on the train. Anyone who enters a train car while people are waiting to get out should be shot on sight. And that's my least aggressive plan of action.
The All-Stars:
10) Puppies Who Refuse To Make Eye-Contact With Me
I get it. The subway is possibly an exciting (or terrifying) flurry of activity. Lots of sights, sounds, and people. But get your shit together. I'm lovable and awesome. Look at me and visually insinuate that you know I'd be a great friend and better owner. It's a fucking simple courtesy, dog.
9) Anyone Who Brings In Delicious Smelling Food
Well aware that people need to eat, and food is often something people buy elsewhere and bring home. I don't care. If you bring KFC on a train - at lunch time - you better have enough for the whole subway car. Honestly, you're only one step away from:
8) Anyone Who Eats ON The Train
I'm willing to exclude snacks and drinks here (with the exception of sunflower seeds, which should never be eaten by anyone not on a baseball field). But if you're eating a meal that requires a fork and a knife, save it for home. If you're worried that your falafel is going to drip on your pants, maybe you shouldn't test that theory in a crowded vehicle going 30 MPH and making frequent stops. Just a thought.
7) Over The Top Courtesy Guy
I'm 100% in favor of giving up a seat for the following: the elderly, parents with small children, pregnant women, beautiful women (is it sexism if I do a nice thing?), and anyone who appears to be injured/debilitated. Anyone else can stand. And if you let those people take your seat, your a pushover. If you do it on a near empty train, you're an idiot. I will not be shamed for my refusal to be either. Dirty looks NOT approved guy.
6) Anyone Who Still Doesn't Know About Headphones
Now a majority of this category falls under the purview of my "crazy people" exclusions. Loud music is to crazy people as linen shirts are to Hampton's residents. It's their lifeblood. It's awful, but I'll survive. What I will not suffer through are people who play games on their phones with the volume on (no one needs to "hear" Candy Crush), and people with headphones whose music still can be heard by others. That second one is particularly annoying. If I can hear your music through your Beats By Dre, that's not good for either of us. Deaf-initely not good. Nailed it.
5) Any Children Between The Ages Of 8 And 15
I hate to use blanket statements, but all children on the subway - at this age - are assholes. If they're loud, needy, ignore personal space, fight with siblings, etc... they should know better. And if they travel in a pack? They are literally my nightmare. I'd rather take on ISIS single handedly then try and sit next to four thirteen year old boys. They're just so damn intimidating/unpredictable, right? Am I the only one who fears them? Oh I've said too much...
4) Anyone Who Sits In The Center Of An Empty 3-Seat Bench/Rests Against a Pole
There is literally a special place in hell for you people. If you have no concern for the space around you, and have no regard for your fellow passengers, you shouldn't be allowed on a train. I'd say we'd force you to walk; but your undoubtedly the same person who walks slow on the sidewalk, 3 wide, checking your Instagram. A plague upon your feed.
3) Anyone - When Sitting - Who Acts Frustrated On A Crowded Train.
Packed trains - those really packed ones - are an awful experience for everyone. You don't need to say anything, we all know. NO ONE wants to be there. But if you have the gall to complain - while sitting - you are a "Grade A Moose Turd:" pardon my Canadian. You're sitting down. Your life is already measurably better then anyone pressed up against three Jamaican dudes, struggling to support themselves with two fingers on the ceiling. I don't want to hear how rough your ride is. That's like a German Solider complaining about how "rough" the Holocaust was. Shut up.
2) Any Parent Who Ignores Their Young Child
I don't have kids but I know that they're difficult and annoying. Especially when travelling. But a New York City subway is NOT the place to take your eyes off your kids. I've seen an un-watched 2 year old lick a subway pole. Another pat the head of a sleeping homeless man. If you're going to be a lazy parent, pick a safer place. Like an abandoned amusement park. Or the inside of a structure fire.
1) People Who Pick Up A Call, And Are SURPRISED When It Drops.
You are several feet underground, in A GIANT METAL CAN. Getting a call was an aberration. Picking up the call was a mistake. The call dropping is the literal definition of "logical outcome." If this shocks you, if you yell "HELLO" into your phone and look confused; you should be spayed and neutered. Both. Just to make sure you don't go any further in the gene pool.
Did I miss anyone? Feel free to let me know in the comments. So that I can hate you, personally, for reminding me of more horrible things.
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