To The Patriarch Of The Family Next To Me In The Park

     Actually, I should be a lot less specific. Perhaps matriarch? Or maybe, leader? I'm not even sure if you're a family or not. A group? Some sort of collective, conglomerate, or cult? All I know for sure is that you're an assemblage of people, blankets, and noise. One which extends from about 3.5 feet into the main path to about 75 feet into the nicest, sunniest, flattest part of the grass.
     And to be fair, I'm just limiting this idea of scope to your most recognizable central mass. There are a lot of things and people which - although seemingly possessed by you - float discarded off the edges of your territory. There are of course cups, plates, napkins and cans that - although they most assuredly belong to you - have been forgotten after the wind moved them off of your blankets.
     But I more so refer to the toys, balls, lawn games and razor scooters that mire the ground near your eastern perimeter. If considered part of your camp, they'd most definitely increase the boundaries of said border by at least another 20 feet. But you seem to have no knowledge of them; keen to let pedestrians and passerbys trip and stumble over their sharpest edges. That is of course unless another young child approaches (or in a most terrible scenario, touches) them, in which case your group yells and screams at the savage and unsupervised hoodlum. As would any humane person.
     That is not to say that I view the children in your party in any such manner. Of course not. Although they do not seem to be watched or cared for in any sort of identifiable manner, I know they do not escape your watchful gaze. I know that when they unapologetically toss a football into a nearby family, or recklessly race their bikes down the most crowded walkways, they do so under your "contact-less supervision." Under a highly pragmatic and reasonable style of parenting that just appears "Laissez Faire" to the un-trained eye. I assume you learned it from the elders in your group?
     I guess I also assume those elders are in your group? They seem to be orbiting around your party, and I get a distinct twinge of familial connection. Still, the fact that only strangers are attending to the one who fell down near the bathroom could throw this theory into doubt. I can't imagine you'd be so inattentive. I mean nothing like the careless dog owners between my party and yours. Those owners who have felt it sufficient to tie their dogs to a nearby tree; their canine compatriots still able to roam, bark, and bite within the circumference of their leashes. They're just pooping and chasing with no restriction or oversight.
     At least you're nothing like those -- oh, wait. Now you're throwing bits of cold-cut chicken in their general direction.
     I digress. I've gotten very far off the proverbial tracks here.
     My reason for writing is that some time ago one of your relatives (or co-workers, or commune brethren) observed one of my friends using the bottle opener which we had brought to our picnic. Stomping over (and onto) our blanket they humbly asked if they could borrow it for a minute. Thinking nothing of such a small and civil request, we of course obliged.
     I would say that was maybe four to six hours ago. I'm not 100 percent sure of the time - as I did not look at my watch when the transaction took place - but I am fairly confident that it has been an appreciable bit of time. At least enough for you to build up a small collection of bottles on the ground near your southern fringes. You know, right over there, perhaps 2 to 3 feet from the clearly labeled trash and recycling receptacles.
     It's not that I counted or anything, but at my best estimate it appears you've opened - and discarded - 22 craft beer bottles (from various breweries on the Western seaboard), 85 bottles of half drunken Perrier, and a good number of singularly unique juice bottles. Who knew that aloe and white grape was a commonly found beverage? Or that wheat grass, honeysuckle, and rose-water could even be imbibed.
     I don't mean be to be a pest, but it's just that in said time, my party-mates and I have been unable to drink anything which we brought to our little "day in the sun." We've tried to respectfully request the item back on several occasions, but have been met with various dilemmas. Some members of your gathering have told us "it wasn't ours," "they'd bring it back in a second," or that "they lost it." A few more have ignored us outright, or told us to go "screw ourselves."
     As that seems like a horribly inappropriate way to resolve this situation, we would instead kindly ask that you return our bottle opener at your earliest convenience. We thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Andrew Slafta

P.S. It turns out that in the time it took me to transcribe this note, you have left the confines of the park. I tried sorting through your refuse for clues as to your future whereabouts, but was succumbed by exhaustion about two-thirds into pile four. That would be the easterly most cluster, about seven feet from the small fire which erupted from your improperly disposed charcoal.

P.P.S. In a most fortuitous moment, I was lucky enough to run into a small child on a bicycle you left behind. They assured me that this is a frequent occurrence, and in 3 to 4 hours when you realize this small (but wholly understandable) error she will pass along said note. For fear she'd forget it, I also wrote my address in Sharpie on her calf. It's right above the large scrape she believes you will be blaming on me. Thank you again for your timely response.

The Keys To Victory

This one has been marinating in the old "idea-skillet" for a while now. I am distinctly aware that it pushes some buttons and boundaries, but I purposefully left in a lot of the more "tasteless" content. I feel it added an extra spark of absurdity, and also editing is A LOT easier then completely re-writing.

Sorry if it offends, but I promised two things when I started this. To remain honest, and to do my best to inspire constructive and meaningful dialogue. Those ideals are the backbone of the blogger oath. And even though it was signed in Cheetoh Dust on a pair of my pajamas, it means a lot to me.

Enjoy! (hopefully)

Selling The Goods: Ideas On How To Reinvigorate My Résumé

Your résumé. That single piece of paper that is somehow supposed to convey who you are as an employee AND a person. Most of the time my issue is how to narrow things down. I don't understand how I'm supposed to talk about working at Eastern Mountain Sports for over a decade without mentioning my lack of attempted homicides. Or, how one time I hit a customer with a hacky-sack but was able to duck behind a clothing rack in time. These are important points of reference.

But, after some help from a few friends, I recently was able to trim the fat on mine. And you know, what? It's awful. There's no spark of humanity, no "essence of Slafta." How are stripped down dates, times, and locations supposed to convey me? How is a boring platitude about my managerial strategies and talents supposed to tell you about my deep conviction to service and success? Or how sweet my pecs look after like twenty push-ups.

I have a few ideas on how to improve things, but I'm willing to admit that I may need to pare the selection down a few. Unless, I just cut off my work history and submit this instead? Good idea? Great Idea? Possibly just an idea? Let me know what you think.

Physical Abilities and  Special Talents

- Once held my pee so long that I legitimately thought I had broken my penis.

- Have two signature dance moves. The "sitting down with no eye contact," and the "ah, nah, I'm good."

- From approximately 1995 to 2002 I trained extensively in the art of Nerf to Nerf Combat (N2NC). Gained highest marks for proficiency on the Ballzooka, Nerf SuperMAXX 3000, and Electric Eel models.

- Ability to sleep like a decomposing Egyptian Pharoah.

- Have retained lyrical knowledge of Crazy Town's 1999 smash hit "Butterfly."

Computer and Social Media Skills

- Although I have never completed the entire route without succumbing to Cholera, I have successfully forded several dozen rivers and hunted over 20 tons of Buffalo and Bear meat along the Oregon Trail.

- Able to watch 2-3 daily hours of "Tasty Videos;" still weigh under 300 pounds.

- Have received universal acclaim and praise for my ability to create Picasso-like works of art with only the square, circle, and paint bucket tools on Microsoft Paint.

- Am able to remember 60% - 75% of computer passwords on the first try; 75% - 85% without resetting or using a different service entirely.

- High levels of competency in viewing pornographic material without detection or accusation.

Charity and Social Justice Activities

- Am a frequent donor to the "Sisterhood of the Saint Scratch Off," registering maximum allowable donations from 2008-2010.

- Have limited fart emissions in the vicinity of attractive girls since 1997.

- Continually harass prominent reality show participants and "past their prime" athletes on various social media platforms. Unconfirmed reports that I once made Nicole Richie cry.

- Been friends with over two vegans since 2013, and have yet to be convicted for assault.

- Am the sole manager and director of all top level kitchen cabinets in my parents house since 2001.

From The Vault: Salesmanship

For the most part I've been trying to keep everything on this site new and fresh. I mean the humor may be - and probably is - old and stale, but the content has been of a recent and current nature.

There are a few things, however, that I feel a need to resurrect and re-issue on this newest iteration of the "Slafta Blogging Chronicles." From now on anything labeled "From The Vault" is a script, post, or idea that has been existing in the old "mind-bucket" for some time already.

Our first entry is a sketch I wrote a long time ago, and re-wrote and edited today. So yes, it was at one point "worse" then it is right now. I know, I am also ashamed. There's a bit of truth and personal connection here, so go easy on me. For I have laid my soul bare. Enjoy!

While My Guitar FUCKING ALL OUT WEEPS

2016 - at present not even half way over - has been a horrific year for musicians. We lost Bowie. We lost Prince. We found Bieber again, unfortunately, not at the bottom of a casket. With the news that Anthony Kiedis is in the hospital, this seemed like an apropos time to evaluate my most meaningful musicians. Those Rockers/non-dancing Rockettes that - if they passed - would leave an excruciatingly large hole in my life. Because that's fun to think about on a Monday afternoon!

My rankings are based on both cultural impact AND my own personal sentiments. So undoubtedly, you're not going to agree with two-thirds of this. But, coincidentally, I could give two-thirds of a fuck. Because I'm cool as a cucumber, Hepcat.

And I'm also sorry for cursing. This whole thing has me on edge.

The Caveats:

The "Survivable Calamity"

Members: Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen
Of course I'm going to be supremely upset if and when any of these guys pass away. But lets be honest here. Dylan is 74, Stevie is 66, McCartney is 73. These guys have lived two to three rocker lifetimes already. Any extra music we get from this point on is a bonus.

The "Twit-Tastrophes"

Members: Madonna, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Adele, Any Artist Born After 1990
If these rankings were based solely on "public reaction," these guys would be right up there. Some I do genuinely appreciate. I think early Madonna rocks. I think Kanye is a lyrical genius, a tremendous innovator, and a rap pioneer. I think One Direction is a thing, I honestly do not know. If any of them passed away, I'd lament - not weep. I'd let the inevitable "Great Social Media Collapse of 2016" handle that.

The "And The Band Probably Played On"

Members: Arcade Fire, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Remains of U2, The Black Keys
If we lost any given member of these bands, a definite tragedy. But unless we lose the entire group, I have the distinct premonition that the their musical legacy will live on. If we lost one half of the Black Keys, I'd have to Wikipedia them to see which one is which. If we lost Bono, I know The Edge would call the Filipino guy who fronted Journey. And if we lost Arcade Fire, well, there must have been some type of nuclear attack. That band has 400,000 active members. Whose taking all of them out?

The "Whose Cutting Onions In Here? Why Are My Eyes So Red?!"

Members: Jack White, Ben Folds, Slug (of Atmosphere)
Now we're starting to get to the tough choices. Hooray? I'd be - medically speaking - pretty gosh darn butt hurt if any of these guys past away. Jack White is a probably one of the most talented musicians of (or co-opted by) my generation. I've been a fan of Ben Folds since I was a kid, even when I assumed "Brick" was a song about the crumbling infrastructure of America. I have more Atmosphere B-sides and seasonal EPs then I can count. And I think that's part of the problem. If we lose anyone in this category, I know I have a decade plus of music to fall back onto.

The "Ugh I'm Going To Regret Not Having These People On The List" List

Taylor Swift

Cause Of Death: Horrible Treadmill Accident
If you don't legitimately appreciate "Shake It Off" or another one or two of her songs, you're honestly not human. If she passed, the internet "shock-splosion" (TM pending) would be off the charts. Main thing keeping her off the list is her age. Her library isn't that expansive. Especially if you take away "break-up" related songs. You can't make the list on four tunes, sorry.

Q-Tip

Cause Of Death: Exhaustion (Via Another Twitter Rant At Iggy Azalea)
Q-Tip could (and maybe should) be up with the likes of Jack White and Ben Folds. But I have him closer to the main list for two reasons. 1) The man's flow is still ridiculous. Yes he's been quiet on the music front of late, but I believe he's got two or three solid records left in him. He's going to be Hip Hop's most talented elder statesman. Just listen to his main verse on Busta Rhyme's "Thank You." 2) That Phife Dawg loss is still hitting close to home. And if I - and the general public - miss Phife that much, we're gonna lose our shit when Q-Tip goes.

Dave Grohl

Cause Of Death: Decapitation (From Rocking Too Fucking Hard)
I haven't been the biggest fan of the Foo Fighters for a while, but the respect is still there. Grohl has an ABSURD body of work - even without considering Nirvana - and is still destroying shows. His energy and intensity is unmatched. Even on one leg. He misses the list by the slightest of margins, but he has my total appreciation and admiration. And he can have me as a son/student/best friend if he desires. Just make the call Dave.

The One's I'll Buy A Flag For, And Put It At Half Mast:

10) Hozier

Cause Of Death: Alcohol Poisoning (He's Irish, I'm Just Playing The Odds)
This one is a bit of a gamble. If we're being honest with ourselves here, Hozier only has one album and a handful of good songs. But I truly believe that the kid is destined for great things. He's got song writing ability, he's young, and has a voice that makes you hate your own voice just a little bit more. If we lost him, it would be tough. I'd ponder the frail nature of human existence, and the potentially great career we lost out on. And then I'd listened to his music. And REALLY start to get bummed out.

9) Sufjan Stevens

Cause Of Death: Elliott Smith Disorder (A Bummer Of A Suicide)
On body of work alone, Sufjan maybe shouldn't be down here. If he goes, I still have enough of his music to keep me "pleasantly melancholic" for quite some time. But Sufjan is a visionary. He's capable of producing relatable and simple ballads ("To Be Alone With You," "Chicago," most of Carrie and Lowell), or he can churn out an entire symphonic piece on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway (The aptly named BQE). Yes, I too wish I was kidding. Either way you slice it though, the man produces great work and inspires others. If he goes, we'll be missing out on a lot of good music, collaboration, and artistic development.

8) Mark Ronson

Cause Of Death: Sax Related Aneurysm (Brought Upon By A Case Of The "Uptown Funk")
I love Mark Ronson. And not just recent producer/director Mark Ronson. I liked him back before it was cool. Back when "Ronsonians" (as we were known on the streets) we're constantly accosted for liking someone so different and edgy. Way back in like 2008/2009. I know his success really depends greatly on re-mastering and improving other artists, but the man can compose a fucking catchy tune. 2007's Visions was a great album ("Just" and "Toxic" being two all-time favorites), and he's consistently been behind some of the best singles and remixes since then. He's a collaborative genius, and music would be a lot less creative and interesting without him.

7) Jonathan "Yoni" Wolf (Of Why?, Which I Promise Is A Band)

Cause Of Death: Drowned (In Money; After This Article Goes Live, And He Blows Up)
This one is definitely a guilty pleasure, and one I don't expect anyone else to know. Why?, a small band out of Oakland is pretty off the radar and even tougher to explain. They're a weird rap-folk-indie rock hybrid. Their last EP was just seven songs about fans they stalked on social media. Their lyrics vacillate between the disgusting, awe-inspiring, and incomprehensible. Normally in the scope of one song. But I love them. How can you not be enthralled by someone who comes up with, "my dad wore this face in old photographs." Or, "your face never forgets a cry/like trace remnants on acid in your spine." Or, "Sucking dick for drink tickets at the free bar at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah." Yeah, he's super weird. And the world would be a bit more boring without him.

6) Justin Timberlake

Cause Of Death: Asphyxiation (Bro-Hugged Too Hard By Jimmy Fallon)
In terms of pure musical accomplishments, this man probably doesn't deserve to be this far up the list. I mean, he is without a doubt a talented singer. He can seemingly turn out hits at will (IE - "Can't Stop the Feeling"), and he's got range and depth. But he's here because he's a god damn showman. Women want to be with him, and men want to crack him open and suck his marrow dry of his talent and charm. Hypothetically speaking, of course. He's a legit pop icon. If he were to die today, I would certainly "Cry Me A River." Don't hate the pun, you would too.

5) Justin Vernon

Cause Of Death: Boredom (AKA: Living In Wisconsin)
The other day a friend played me a new song By James Blake (sadly not the former tennis pro) featuring Bon Iver. I realized then - or more so was able to formally articulate - something I've known for a while. Justin Vernon is fucking brilliant, and everything he touches is great. Both of the Bon Iver albums are beautiful masterpieces, and his collaborations - with Blake, Kanye, Volcano Choir - are equally wonderful. Did I mention his solo work is world class too? He's often imitated, but his raw - yet tender - talents are not easily duplicated. He's a once in a lifetime talent. And if/when the Wisconsin dreariness swallows him, we will wipe that state right off the map.

4) Brittany Howard

Cause Of Death: Ham Sandwich (Sorry, I Had To)
Objectively speaking, both Alabama Shakes records so far have been glorious. The first one was a real discovery of their style and voice. If you don't hear "Hold On" and want to scream-sing in the shower, you're a robot. And Sound & Color has been this great evolution of their musicality. It may be deprived a bit of their original spark, but it's this tremendous sign of depth and deftness of craft that will propel them forward. They're going to be a wonderful band, for a wonderfully long time. But if you take Brittany out, the "Shakes" would turn into a "Seizure." And has there ever been a good seizure? I'll check WebMD, you think it over.

3) Thom Yorke

Cause Of Death: Whatever It Is That's Gotten The One Eye, And Wants More
Don't worry, I looked it up, it's not fatal. So I'm a "Jackass," not an "Asshole." But that aside, I don't think I need to really talk about the accomplishments of Yorke. Radiohead is pretty much the best thing to come out of Britain since the Beatles. And I said thing, not band. That means I rank them above JK Rowling, fish and chips, and the words "cheeky," and "wanker." Radiohead IS THAT GREAT. Also Yorke's solo stuff, Atoms For Peace, and his dancing: all perfect. He'd be number one on the list if he weren't 47, and had already pumped out hours and hours of my favorite music. The day he dies will be a terrible one, but at least we'll have a lot to remember him by.

2) Kendrick Lamar

Cause Of Death: Inflammation Of The Esophagus (From Spitting Hot Fire, Yah Hear?)
With as much gravitas as I can say this with - as a 28 year old white byproduct of the suburbs - Kendrick Lamar is the next evolution in the rap/ hip hop game. His rhymes, his flow, his musicality, his stage presence and overall production and performance IQ - they are ALL off the charts. He is a once in lifetime performer, and he's currently re-writing the rules of his genre. To lose him right now would instigate one of the greatest games of "What If" in the history of Modern Music. And it would allow raps second greatest artist - JaRule - another shot at the crown. He's waiting people, I promise.

1) Beyonce

Cause Of Death: Becky With The Good Hair
Beyonce is at the apex, the zenith, of the collision between talent, fame, and popularity. If Beyonce were to die right now, in her prime, right after dropping the massively intriguing and important Lemonade, the world would collectively lose its shit. It would be like losing MJ and Prince Diana. I kid you not. She's the only person on this list I wouldn't be sad to lose, I'd be afraid to lose. Because her death would be the end of days. To put it simply, ALL HAIL BEY!

Total B.S.

I swear to you when - not if - I see this become a legitimate business, I will lose my shit.

The Truth IS Out There - Sorting Through Political Secrets

As we all know, the 2016 race for the Presidential Nomination has been a roller-coaster of a ride. Mainly in that it makes a good number of people feel nauseous, and there's always just this general feeling of plausible catastrophe.

But to be fair, things could - and probably should - be a lot crazier. With Supreme Leader Presidential hopeful Donald Trump stealing much of the spotlight during this nomination cycle, a large number of important stories have been buried. Case in point: almost no attention has been paid to the fact that Ted Cruz has been revealed to be the Zodiac Killer. I mean; yes we all should have seen this earlier.

How did we all miss this until now?

But where is the coverage? It's like the main-stream media is just ignoring this. Doesn't it make you wonder what else they're not telling us? Fear not friends, I will show you the truth.

THE TRIVIAL:

Lincoln Chafee - Has Never Had Physical Contact With a Female Breast

I know, this ladies man? Shocking.

Maybe it's not the most newsworthy story, but I think it's an important one. How are we supposed to trust the man to make important decisions about female health and reproductive rights? A man whose standing knowledge of a breast is, "They feel lumpy, but not really lumpy. More like full. Like sand bags. My Canadian girlfriend let me touch hers all the time. Not in a scientific way, in a cool sex like way. Honest to God."

Jim Webb - Actually an Alien Synthoid Trying to Colonize Our Planet

Seen here trying to demonstrate the value of keeping human babies as a food supply

I know, how could "aliens exist" be a trivial story? Obviously yes, Mr. Webb's mere existence proves that we are not alone in the universe, and that the human race is a mere drop in the bucket of galactic life. But, alien or not, was anyone voting for this guy? A man who's greatest contribution to the debates was "I'm over here. No really, I'm over here, please pay attention to me." Didn't think so.

Martin O'Malley - Compulsively Gambles on Little League Baseball

"Timmy, if you want a ride home I need 'this' much more effort to cover the spread."

O'Malley - or as you may remember him, the 1/8th of a shoulder to Hillary's right on stage - always seemed like he was about to snap. Like something was boiling inside of him. Some mistook it as disenchantment with his campaign's coverage. But more astute observers knew it was a much more visceral emotion. The guilt, excitement, and anger that can only come from high stakes gambling. From gambling on whatever you can. From going 30k in the hole when the Rocktown Giants of the Age 12-14 summer league fail to Mercy Rule the Smithville Indians in the 3rd. THEIR PITCHER WAS A GIRL! COME ON!

THE STARTLING:

Ben Carson - Founding Member of "The Funky 4+1"

Far left. As if you couldn't peg  that sexy stare-down.

And we wondered why he whispered so much. I never would have guessed it's because his voice was burnt out from dropping "mad funky fresh beats" in the Eighties. This may not seem like a "bombshell" discovery, but it really calls into question the entirety of the Ben Carson narrative. If he so blatantly kept this from us, what else is he being less than forthcoming about? What if those "Siamese Twins" he "separated" just turned out to be two "Oriental Siblings" he "cut up a bit." Would you be surprised?

Bobby Jindal - Daniel Day Lewis' Most Important Role

Only one man could pull off a smile that smug, and still garner votes

Sadly, the whitewashing of Hollywood is worse than any of us had thought. It isn't too difficult to believe. The son of two immigrants, raised in the Swamps of Louisiana. Graduated from Brown at age 20 with a major in Biology and Public Policy. Attended Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar. Congressman, Governor, and a Presidential hopeful. All while fighting racial prejudice and skewed perspectives. It really is the role of a lifetime. And Daniel Day Lewis got in on the ground floor. He really inhabits his characters. What an actor.

Chris Christie - Corporate Spokesman for Subway Sandwiches

I will never NOT post this photograph

Under the table corporate money. It's a dirty secret in the political sphere, and almost every candidate has been tainted or bought in some way. But the amount of money Subway has poured into the Christie campaign Super PACS is astounding. An unregistered spokesman, Subway has been paying Christie millions over the last several years for him not to announce he's been on the Subway diet since 2007. The company says it would be the "worst publicity they've ever had." It's hard to argue that.

Marco Rubio - A 13 Year Old Suffering With Werner Syndrome

Rubio - with mother - holding his twin brother

This one is tough to reveal. Marco - who will celebrate his 14th birthday in November - has dealt with symptoms of Progeria and Werner Syndrome since birth. Much like in the film "Jack," Marco - like the titular character played by Robin Williams - physically ages around 4 times the natural rate. Looking to be in his late 40's - but having the mental capacities of a pre-teen - it was no wonder Rubio found such success with the Republican Party. A true shame that he missed his chance this year, as there won't be many opportunities for him in his lifetime. And he is such a sweet kid.

THE EARTH SHATTERING:

Hillary Clinton - The Re-inhabited Robotic Exo-Skeleton of Janet Reno

Isn't it slightly odd we never see more then her head? What is hidden under these Pant-Suits?

Again, some people probably don't consider this an "earth shattering" piece of news. Clinton has been criticized for her robotic presence for several years now. Many have assumed that something is a bit fishy. That maybe she's not just a hard, driven, candidate. Maybe she's a candidate with a hard drive. The real "shocker" here is that Clinton is, actually, the reincarnated robotic husk of Janet Reno. Think: have you seen Reno in the last several years? During any of Clinton's tenure as Secretary of State? During either of her bids for the Presidency? It's a horrifying realization, especially when you consider that Robo-Reno (as she was affectionately called in inner circles) is indeed a combat model unit. What does Hillary really have up her sleeves if Bernie contests the nomination? Speaking of...

Bernie Sanders - Former High Sparrow of King's Landing

Senator Sanders in his most formal attire.

This is not Mr. Sander's first "political revolution." Seeking to overthrow the 1% of Westeros, Sanders launched a much similar plot in his youth - some several thousand years ago - where "all citizens" were held accountable under the same Heavenly Father. His tactics were vicious, brutal, and downright inhumane. Sure he didn't go as far as to try and establish universal healthcare, but he was near demonic in his pursuit of social justice and equality. One would assume these tendencies will rear their head again if he's elected. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Donald Trump - The Test Subject of a Program to Corporeal-ize Cartoon Characters

The color is slightly askew, but they NAILED that shit eating grin.

Technology is a scary thing. Previously assumed to be years off from this technology, the government - using 3d printers, stem cells, and Cheetoh dust - was able to breath life into famed cartoon character "Mr. Noisy." Oh, who am I kidding. This isn't shocking. It's barely trivial. You'd believe anything Trump says, or is said about him. The only "earth shattering" Trump news would be that he's a decent person, a nuanced politician. But even I can't imagine something so ludicrous.