While My Guitar FUCKING ALL OUT WEEPS

2016 - at present not even half way over - has been a horrific year for musicians. We lost Bowie. We lost Prince. We found Bieber again, unfortunately, not at the bottom of a casket. With the news that Anthony Kiedis is in the hospital, this seemed like an apropos time to evaluate my most meaningful musicians. Those Rockers/non-dancing Rockettes that - if they passed - would leave an excruciatingly large hole in my life. Because that's fun to think about on a Monday afternoon!

My rankings are based on both cultural impact AND my own personal sentiments. So undoubtedly, you're not going to agree with two-thirds of this. But, coincidentally, I could give two-thirds of a fuck. Because I'm cool as a cucumber, Hepcat.

And I'm also sorry for cursing. This whole thing has me on edge.

The Caveats:

The "Survivable Calamity"

Members: Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen
Of course I'm going to be supremely upset if and when any of these guys pass away. But lets be honest here. Dylan is 74, Stevie is 66, McCartney is 73. These guys have lived two to three rocker lifetimes already. Any extra music we get from this point on is a bonus.

The "Twit-Tastrophes"

Members: Madonna, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Adele, Any Artist Born After 1990
If these rankings were based solely on "public reaction," these guys would be right up there. Some I do genuinely appreciate. I think early Madonna rocks. I think Kanye is a lyrical genius, a tremendous innovator, and a rap pioneer. I think One Direction is a thing, I honestly do not know. If any of them passed away, I'd lament - not weep. I'd let the inevitable "Great Social Media Collapse of 2016" handle that.

The "And The Band Probably Played On"

Members: Arcade Fire, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Remains of U2, The Black Keys
If we lost any given member of these bands, a definite tragedy. But unless we lose the entire group, I have the distinct premonition that the their musical legacy will live on. If we lost one half of the Black Keys, I'd have to Wikipedia them to see which one is which. If we lost Bono, I know The Edge would call the Filipino guy who fronted Journey. And if we lost Arcade Fire, well, there must have been some type of nuclear attack. That band has 400,000 active members. Whose taking all of them out?

The "Whose Cutting Onions In Here? Why Are My Eyes So Red?!"

Members: Jack White, Ben Folds, Slug (of Atmosphere)
Now we're starting to get to the tough choices. Hooray? I'd be - medically speaking - pretty gosh darn butt hurt if any of these guys past away. Jack White is a probably one of the most talented musicians of (or co-opted by) my generation. I've been a fan of Ben Folds since I was a kid, even when I assumed "Brick" was a song about the crumbling infrastructure of America. I have more Atmosphere B-sides and seasonal EPs then I can count. And I think that's part of the problem. If we lose anyone in this category, I know I have a decade plus of music to fall back onto.

The "Ugh I'm Going To Regret Not Having These People On The List" List

Taylor Swift

Cause Of Death: Horrible Treadmill Accident
If you don't legitimately appreciate "Shake It Off" or another one or two of her songs, you're honestly not human. If she passed, the internet "shock-splosion" (TM pending) would be off the charts. Main thing keeping her off the list is her age. Her library isn't that expansive. Especially if you take away "break-up" related songs. You can't make the list on four tunes, sorry.

Q-Tip

Cause Of Death: Exhaustion (Via Another Twitter Rant At Iggy Azalea)
Q-Tip could (and maybe should) be up with the likes of Jack White and Ben Folds. But I have him closer to the main list for two reasons. 1) The man's flow is still ridiculous. Yes he's been quiet on the music front of late, but I believe he's got two or three solid records left in him. He's going to be Hip Hop's most talented elder statesman. Just listen to his main verse on Busta Rhyme's "Thank You." 2) That Phife Dawg loss is still hitting close to home. And if I - and the general public - miss Phife that much, we're gonna lose our shit when Q-Tip goes.

Dave Grohl

Cause Of Death: Decapitation (From Rocking Too Fucking Hard)
I haven't been the biggest fan of the Foo Fighters for a while, but the respect is still there. Grohl has an ABSURD body of work - even without considering Nirvana - and is still destroying shows. His energy and intensity is unmatched. Even on one leg. He misses the list by the slightest of margins, but he has my total appreciation and admiration. And he can have me as a son/student/best friend if he desires. Just make the call Dave.

The One's I'll Buy A Flag For, And Put It At Half Mast:

10) Hozier

Cause Of Death: Alcohol Poisoning (He's Irish, I'm Just Playing The Odds)
This one is a bit of a gamble. If we're being honest with ourselves here, Hozier only has one album and a handful of good songs. But I truly believe that the kid is destined for great things. He's got song writing ability, he's young, and has a voice that makes you hate your own voice just a little bit more. If we lost him, it would be tough. I'd ponder the frail nature of human existence, and the potentially great career we lost out on. And then I'd listened to his music. And REALLY start to get bummed out.

9) Sufjan Stevens

Cause Of Death: Elliott Smith Disorder (A Bummer Of A Suicide)
On body of work alone, Sufjan maybe shouldn't be down here. If he goes, I still have enough of his music to keep me "pleasantly melancholic" for quite some time. But Sufjan is a visionary. He's capable of producing relatable and simple ballads ("To Be Alone With You," "Chicago," most of Carrie and Lowell), or he can churn out an entire symphonic piece on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway (The aptly named BQE). Yes, I too wish I was kidding. Either way you slice it though, the man produces great work and inspires others. If he goes, we'll be missing out on a lot of good music, collaboration, and artistic development.

8) Mark Ronson

Cause Of Death: Sax Related Aneurysm (Brought Upon By A Case Of The "Uptown Funk")
I love Mark Ronson. And not just recent producer/director Mark Ronson. I liked him back before it was cool. Back when "Ronsonians" (as we were known on the streets) we're constantly accosted for liking someone so different and edgy. Way back in like 2008/2009. I know his success really depends greatly on re-mastering and improving other artists, but the man can compose a fucking catchy tune. 2007's Visions was a great album ("Just" and "Toxic" being two all-time favorites), and he's consistently been behind some of the best singles and remixes since then. He's a collaborative genius, and music would be a lot less creative and interesting without him.

7) Jonathan "Yoni" Wolf (Of Why?, Which I Promise Is A Band)

Cause Of Death: Drowned (In Money; After This Article Goes Live, And He Blows Up)
This one is definitely a guilty pleasure, and one I don't expect anyone else to know. Why?, a small band out of Oakland is pretty off the radar and even tougher to explain. They're a weird rap-folk-indie rock hybrid. Their last EP was just seven songs about fans they stalked on social media. Their lyrics vacillate between the disgusting, awe-inspiring, and incomprehensible. Normally in the scope of one song. But I love them. How can you not be enthralled by someone who comes up with, "my dad wore this face in old photographs." Or, "your face never forgets a cry/like trace remnants on acid in your spine." Or, "Sucking dick for drink tickets at the free bar at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah." Yeah, he's super weird. And the world would be a bit more boring without him.

6) Justin Timberlake

Cause Of Death: Asphyxiation (Bro-Hugged Too Hard By Jimmy Fallon)
In terms of pure musical accomplishments, this man probably doesn't deserve to be this far up the list. I mean, he is without a doubt a talented singer. He can seemingly turn out hits at will (IE - "Can't Stop the Feeling"), and he's got range and depth. But he's here because he's a god damn showman. Women want to be with him, and men want to crack him open and suck his marrow dry of his talent and charm. Hypothetically speaking, of course. He's a legit pop icon. If he were to die today, I would certainly "Cry Me A River." Don't hate the pun, you would too.

5) Justin Vernon

Cause Of Death: Boredom (AKA: Living In Wisconsin)
The other day a friend played me a new song By James Blake (sadly not the former tennis pro) featuring Bon Iver. I realized then - or more so was able to formally articulate - something I've known for a while. Justin Vernon is fucking brilliant, and everything he touches is great. Both of the Bon Iver albums are beautiful masterpieces, and his collaborations - with Blake, Kanye, Volcano Choir - are equally wonderful. Did I mention his solo work is world class too? He's often imitated, but his raw - yet tender - talents are not easily duplicated. He's a once in a lifetime talent. And if/when the Wisconsin dreariness swallows him, we will wipe that state right off the map.

4) Brittany Howard

Cause Of Death: Ham Sandwich (Sorry, I Had To)
Objectively speaking, both Alabama Shakes records so far have been glorious. The first one was a real discovery of their style and voice. If you don't hear "Hold On" and want to scream-sing in the shower, you're a robot. And Sound & Color has been this great evolution of their musicality. It may be deprived a bit of their original spark, but it's this tremendous sign of depth and deftness of craft that will propel them forward. They're going to be a wonderful band, for a wonderfully long time. But if you take Brittany out, the "Shakes" would turn into a "Seizure." And has there ever been a good seizure? I'll check WebMD, you think it over.

3) Thom Yorke

Cause Of Death: Whatever It Is That's Gotten The One Eye, And Wants More
Don't worry, I looked it up, it's not fatal. So I'm a "Jackass," not an "Asshole." But that aside, I don't think I need to really talk about the accomplishments of Yorke. Radiohead is pretty much the best thing to come out of Britain since the Beatles. And I said thing, not band. That means I rank them above JK Rowling, fish and chips, and the words "cheeky," and "wanker." Radiohead IS THAT GREAT. Also Yorke's solo stuff, Atoms For Peace, and his dancing: all perfect. He'd be number one on the list if he weren't 47, and had already pumped out hours and hours of my favorite music. The day he dies will be a terrible one, but at least we'll have a lot to remember him by.

2) Kendrick Lamar

Cause Of Death: Inflammation Of The Esophagus (From Spitting Hot Fire, Yah Hear?)
With as much gravitas as I can say this with - as a 28 year old white byproduct of the suburbs - Kendrick Lamar is the next evolution in the rap/ hip hop game. His rhymes, his flow, his musicality, his stage presence and overall production and performance IQ - they are ALL off the charts. He is a once in lifetime performer, and he's currently re-writing the rules of his genre. To lose him right now would instigate one of the greatest games of "What If" in the history of Modern Music. And it would allow raps second greatest artist - JaRule - another shot at the crown. He's waiting people, I promise.

1) Beyonce

Cause Of Death: Becky With The Good Hair
Beyonce is at the apex, the zenith, of the collision between talent, fame, and popularity. If Beyonce were to die right now, in her prime, right after dropping the massively intriguing and important Lemonade, the world would collectively lose its shit. It would be like losing MJ and Prince Diana. I kid you not. She's the only person on this list I wouldn't be sad to lose, I'd be afraid to lose. Because her death would be the end of days. To put it simply, ALL HAIL BEY!

"I've never been this happy, and wrinkly." 24 Hours In A Moon Shaped Pool

For all those - now former -friends who did not know, yesterday marked the release of Radiohead's latest studio album: A Moon Shaped Pool. As I consider myself a pretty big Radiohead-head (we still don't have a lock on a cool follower nickname, sorry), I wanted to make sure I gave the album an early listen and review. For all those unfortunate enough to not have the album already. Poor saps. Without further ado, lets "dive" right in. Nailed it.

The First 24: A Moon Shaped Pool.

2:00 PM - The record officially drops.
3:45 PM - You know what would be a good idea? If I figured out what "7 PM BST" meant.
3:47 PM - 7 PM British Standard Time. Not "Bitching Sweet Tunes," as assumed.
3:48 PM - That's 2 PM Eastern Standard Time?! This record's already out?!
4:05 PM - Downloading issues. I'm having a hard time tracking this bad boy down. Of course on very legal websites where I "pay" for the pleasure of listening to this album.
4:08 PM - If I "were" (hypothetically) to DL this illegally, maybe now wouldn't be a good time. Radiohead is Britain's most valuable currency. I feel like they're going to shoot trespassers on sight.
4:10 PM - Decision made: we wait. I should be a good son, and spend time with my family.
4:12 PM - OH MY GOD THEY WON'T STOP TALKING.
4:15 PM - Distraction required. We're putting on a movie.
4: 20 PM - Bridge of Spies. Tom Hanks, what a treasure. I bet he had the new album yesterday.
4:30 PM - No seriously, I would pay to watch Tom Hanks watch paint dry. He's so damn charming. He's like a later phase Leo. So perfect. So "acty."
4:45 PM - Remember when they were in Catch Me If You Can together? That movie should have won all the Oscars. Some Tonys too.
4:47 PM - Thank God for TBS. It accounts for 62% of its programming time. And honestly, that's not enough.
5:00 PM -  Why did this movie have to be on my computer? Why didn't I pick something on TV?
5:30 PM - Getting antsy. The movie is fine, but there's not really any suspense. You're not killing off Tom Hanks. He's fucking Tom Hanks.
5:35 PM - Facebook. I'll use Facebook on my phone.
5:38 PM - Oh My God, we get it. Everyone has a mother, congratulations.
5:50 PM - First mention of a bridge in this movie. Good to know that wasn't a metaphor or anything.
6:32 PM - "We did it, we survived!" The characters and my own general sentiment.
6:33 PM - OF COURSE. My dad immediately asks "if maybe I'd mind if he played us a song?" Is there a more polite way of declining then jumping through the living room window? Not seeing it.
6:35 PM - We're searching for a Hendrix B-Side. "Highway Chile." He assures me it's pronounced "child." I have my doubts.
6:36 PM - Fuck you Wikipedia.
6:38 PM - Still can't find it. My dad ASSURES me he listened to it the other day, on YouTube. I would pay so much money to hear/see whatever he watched.
6:39 PM - He always has a backup tune. Don Henley. "If Dirt Were Dollars." Keep an open mind Andrew, You can do it.
6:40 PM - SOMEONE GET ME A GUN.
6:42 PM - "I saw Jesus on the Plane, or maybe it was Elvis, you know they both look the same." Is this what Guantanamo is like?
7:01 PM - Escape. Apologize to my parents, I'm locking myself up tight in my room.
7:02 PM - Download this thing, whatever (COMPLETELY LEGAL) means necessary.
7:05 PM - IT BEGINS!
7:06 PM - 7:58 PM The first listen. Initial thoughts:
1) Burn The Witch - First single. It's about 3 days old now, so I've heard it about 35 times. Nice rock anthem, not very experimental, high replay value and easy tune to listen to. Can see why it's a single. Score: 7.9 out of 10
2) Daydreaming - Also already released. I didn't like this as much upon first listen, but it's grown on me. One of those songs that very perfectly encapsulates the title. Also, Paul Thomas Anderson video - amazing. I could watch Thom walk aimlessly for hours. I probably technically have now. THAT'S NOT SAD. Score: 8.1 out of 10.
3) Decks Dark - Starts off with almost a Beach House vibe. As soon as Yorke starts singing though, classic Radiohead. Especially the lyrics: "It's the last sound you've ever heard/ we are helpless to resist/in our darkest hour." Never thought I'd say this, but hearing someone scream that... makes me SO FREAKING HAPPY! Score: 7.8 of 10: possibly inflated because it's the first NEW track.
4) Desert Island Disk - Slow acoustic tune. Great to hear that they aren't 100% dedicated to pure techno-tronica-tation stuff. They can also kill a simple, calm, folk song. It just kind of falls short though. Good, but doesn't go anywhere great. Jazzy back-half helped, but didn't go far enough. Score: 6.5 out of 10.
5) Ful Stop - Not a huge fan of the first portion of this. For some reason I can't really get behind music that sounds like a 56k modem and TRON fucking on acid. I know, I have some musical growing to do. Worth it all though for that second half flourish. Score: 7.3 out of 10.
6) Glass Eyes - What a beautiful start. I don't know if Thom knows how nice it is to hear him clearly singing. It's a blessing. A great tune but quite sad. Maybe not something to listen to in your childhood home, that's being remodeled, after several glasses of wine. First song I'm pumped to come back to. Score: 7.1 out of 10.
7) Identikit - I like it, but I'm a bit turned off by the numerous voices in the background, almost too much. If I wanted several voices talking at once, I'd go back to my parents downstairs. But that chorus though... "broken hearts make it rain;" so solid. I love being so happy as Thom cries about unfathomable sadness. Hooray! Score: 7.4 out of 10
8) The Numbers - Getting very psyched that so far we haven't had a "bad" track. This is so far the best harmony of new and old styles. Piano discord doesn't overshadow everything. Good balance. And "Cell-Oh;" raging strings on the second half? Be still my heart. Score: 8.1 out of 10.
9) Present Tense - Awesome guitar riff AND Thom moaning to start the song? Clean up on aisle boxer briefs. This album is really hitting its stride. "Don't get heavy. Keep it light, keep it moving." Besides the heart wrenching lyrics, the tunes themselves are at least holding true to that. Score: 8.2 out of 10.
10) Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief - Now that's a title I can't wait to repeat a bunch to fellow Radio-philes. This song is my jam. Start to finish, love it. Got a quasi NIN vibe, but the perfect mix of vocals, beats, and melody. Definitely favorite so far. Score: 8.4 out of 10.
11) True Love Waits - I know this song. Not this version, but this is definitely a Radiohead song. I like this version though. Melancholic, but beautiful. No doubt about it. Score: 8.0 out of 10.
7:59 PM - Imaginary post-coitus cigarette
8:00 PM - What the hell album was "True Love Waits" on? Google, let's dance!
8:01 PM - I Might Be Wrong: Live Recordings. I wonder if there's anything else interesting on this I don't know already.
8:47 PM - DEAR GOD. Where did the last 45 minutes go? Damn you Wikipedia Hole!
8:48 PM - To the early reviews!
8:55 PM Thom broke up with his partner of 20+ years? Yikes, No wonder this album came off so "happy."
9:10 PM - Johhny Greenwood had a side project called Junun?
9:11 PM - Oh Christ on a Cracker, it's with an ALL Indian band?
9:12 PM - http://junun.co.uk/ I will give $20 to anyone who can tell me straight face that's not the best album cover art ever.
9:18 PM - I'm not trying to find more of this, am I?
9:23 PM - The documentary is online. There is a documentary of this.
9:26 PM - Fuck it, I'm downloading the documentary.
9:28 PM - This is going to take a while. Whiskey time.
9:30 PM - My dad is still awake. Unexpected, Well, he looks tired...
10:48 PM - I can now say I've watched over 20 minutes of Dio. Live.
10:50 PM - Whiskey is kicked. I wonder why. Switching to wine.
10:52 PM - Nice.
10:53 PM - Download is at .08%. How are more people not the proud owners of Radiohead's guitarist's Indian sitar band side project's documentary? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
10:55 PM - Back to Tinker Tailor. "TTSSRMPMBMT" (for short?)
11:15 PM - Still firmly believe this is my favorite off the album so far. But, "True Love Waits" is the perfect closing song. I don't know if it's because it's already been around for 16 years or so, but I think it will be one of the album's longer lasting successes.
11:16 PM - Bed.
8:45 AM - My parent's still think I'm asleep. God Bless us.
8:47 AM - re-listening to "Ful Stop." I think this was my least favorite so far.
9:00 AM - Still not a huge fan. I really like the ending, but the first two minutes are somewhat tough to get through. Definitely easier on the second and third try. My heart already might be warming.
9:02 AM - Breakfast. Strawberries. I feel like I need cream to make this a more Radiohead approved breakfast. All we have is butter.
9:03 AM - I officially debated a Butter and Strawberries bowl for too long.
9:25 AM - Mom needs a quick favor. Clouds are swirling overhead.
10:05 AM - Well, now I remember what it feels like to move 500+ pounds of mulch and topsoil bags. I can't wait to feel like I pulled my torso muscle tomorrow.
10:25 AM - Car ride back into the city. Lets see how much Radiohead dad can stomach.
10:32 AM - Dad taps out to track 2, "Daydreaming." "I wish I could like them, it's just, I don't." Well, at least he wasn't ambiguous about it.
10:34 AM - Black Keys. Everybody likes the Black Keys.
11:22 AM - Back in the apartment, computer awake.
12:15 PM - Round Two, COMPLETE!
1:03 PM - Round Three COMPLETE!
1:04 PM - Debating the use of excited caps. Is listening to an album three times in under a day cause for a celebration? I think its more a cause for a shower.
1:05 PM - Editing time. Play me on Thommy Boy!
1:10 PM - Nope, this is not music to focus too. Let's do a nice summary instead.
1:11 PM - 2:00 PM - Final thoughts Recap:
1) Burn The Witch - Great song. I feel like it's going to get lost in the shuffle under some much more musical songs, but I'm still randomly humming it/singing "low-flying panic attack" a lot. I'm pretty sure that's not going to be a good thing once I leave the confines of my apartment.
2) Daydreaming - I wasn't sold on this song originally, but the more I listen to it, the more I love it. Got to be in my top three for the album. It's a little more avant garde (and hence easy to blow off right away) but it just encapsulates its own vibe so well. Glad the video will give it replay value too.
3) Decks Dark - I was worried I rated this song so highly because it was the first new song on the CD. Don't think that's the case. It's a great song, and doesn't have many dead patches throughout. Going to be a nice song to play for friends who like "Burn the Witch," but are turned off by "Daydreaming." So, the majority of humans.
4) Desert Island Disk - I think it's a nice break from the more expansive songs, and a needed one for the album as a whole. I just don't think it's particularly amazing. Good but not great. I stand by that.
5) Ful Stop - Growing on me, but the ambient stuff in the first two-ish minutes is tough. It's getting better on repeated listens, but I don't know if other people will give it that much effort.
6) Glass Eyes - Beautiful song. I don't think I was paying enough attention to the words AND the melody before. It's very beautiful. I can definitely see Sean Bean dying in a movie with this playing in the background.
7) Identikit - Big swing since my initial listen. I was kind of put off by the layered vocals before, but I don't think it's as big a turn off as earlier assumed. And the entire "broken hearts make it rain" section; just wonderful. In that soul crushing despair kind of way.
8) The Numbers - I was really into the background dissonance before, now I think I'm less excited. It still feels the most "Radiohead-y" song to me. Can definitely see it slipping into their earlier catalog and fitting right in. Good song, but I keep forgetting it on these listens. Probably not a good sign.
9) Present Tense - I think this song suffers in album location. I don't care enough about "The Numbers," and I really want to get to "Tinker Tailor Long Song Name." But it's a beautiful song. And although I'm kind of ignoring it now, I think it has some serious staying power.
10) TTSSRMPMBMT - I just had to cut and paste the ABBREVIATION to this song. This is why sometimes even I can't defend Radiohead. That aside, this song is my go-to favorite. Love the beat, and Thom's voice kills it. I could use like 20 less seconds of static at the end though. We get it, noises.
11) True Love Waits - This is just a beautiful freaking song. Heartbreaking, touching, gorgeous. But I feel I'm going to have to be in a certain mood to search it out. And since that mood seems to be "break-up/puppy death" I'm hoping it doesn't happen too often. Bummer.

Overall, album gets an 9.2 out of 10. There's really not a weak track on here. Couple of dead spots on particular songs, but there's not one piece of music that misses the mark completely. Much better then King of Limbs, and I feel that we'll recall 75% of these songs fondly when we look back on the collective works of the band. That's freaking awesome. My only complaint, I want more. Looks like I'll need to wait until the full release in June. WITH BONUS TRACKS! Because I think we need another 3500 words about this CD! Heck Yeah!